The Ten Commandments for the Powerlifting Troll
By
Elitefts.com
This article originally appeared at
here.
1. Thou shalt pass no lift
There is no such thing as depth. Like Big Foot, no one has ever seen it, and no
one ever will. No matter how good the lift appears to be, there is always room
for criticism. This holds true for all three lifts.
2. Thou shalt remain anonymous
This is a no-brainer. Why would you want to be accountable for anything you
post? It would be difficult to obtain free help or merchandise from lifters or
companies if they knew what you actually say about them. An alias is a must.
Usually a homoerotic misspelling of your favorite lifter’s name works best.
3. Thou shalt not compete or post thy own numbers
Never compete. Why put your reputation on the line and subject yourself to your
own standards?
Never post your actual numbers. Your 225-lb bench may earn you a round of high
fives at the local fitness center, but it won’t garner any respect from actual
lifters. It’s perfectly acceptable to post outrageous numbers you lifted “back
in the day.” For some degree of credibility, keep your numbers under current
world records. When someone calls BS on you—which they will—and you have to
explain your 315-lb deadlift, have a list of prepared career ending injuries to
explain your current weakness. Beat up shoulders for the bench, bad knees for
squats, and low back injury for the deadlift are tried and true. This same smart
ass will want proof of what you did in a meet. Tell him your total was at a
small, unsanctioned meet back east years ago, but a lifetime of self-abuse has
permanently damaged your memory and you can’t remember minor details such as the
venue or date. When in doubt, refer to commandment seven.
4. Thou shalt always give thy opinion
It’s your duty to give your opinion on anything and everything regardless of
your knowledge or lack of on the subject. You’re always right. Others just don’t
realize it. There is no other opinion but yours. The more incorrect your opinion
is, the more you should assert it. Remember, there is a direct link between post
count and intelligence. This especially holds true on the subject of training.
It’s perfectly acceptable to alter tried and true programs and cite their
ineffectiveness based on a single two-week cycle. Feel free to point out flaws
in the training and technique of elite lifters.
5. Thou shalt contradict
You should contradict everything and everyone, including yourself, even in the
same thread. This helps to sow the seeds of confusion, especially on subjects
about training. If asking a question, be sure to pick apart every aspect of the
answer. The more experienced your adversary, the more viscous your attack. Keep
it polite at first. You don’t want to scare him off. Slowly build up to the
obnoxious ass you know you can be. When in doubt, refer to commandment seven.
6. Thou shalt use correct grammar and spelling, usually
The beginner troll likes to rely on the caps lock or obvious spelling errors,
and while this might trigger reflex actions from the grammar police and spelling
Nazis, it will never lure in the sophisticated poster, An elite level troll
knows that a careful wrong use of a word or subtle misspelling can draw out even
the most troll savvy poster who just can’t resist the chance to correct you,
especially if you keep an on-line log everyone knows but no one reads.
7. Thou shalt question sexual orientation
When confronted, called out, or proved wrong or when you’re in a hurry and can’t
think of a good comeback, question your opponent’s sexual orientation for no
reason. This trumps any response and shows everyone just how hardcore you really
are. There is no way to come back from this.
8. Thou shalt be fruitful and multiple thy accounts
You must have multiple, dedicated troll accounts ready for your inevitable
deletion. There are times when you will be detected or even revealed. Know when
to move on to the next screen name.
9. Thou shalt not suffer the gear whore among thee
No other topic, except maybe federation wars, can stir the pot as much as
equipped versus raw. The raw zealot, while shouting “drug free for life,” is
quick to recognize the fact that gear instantly doubles your total. Throw in a
different kind of gear and it renders training a mere formality.
10. Thou are hardcore
In any forum, you make the rules. No one can withstand your fury. Feel free to
throw your weight around and intimidate whoever you please, knowing that if you
strictly adhere to commandment number two, you will never have to back it up.
Elite Fitness Systems strives to be a recognized leader in the strength
training industry by providing the highest quality strength training products
and services while providing the highest level of customer service in the
industry. For the best training equipment, information, and accessories, visit
us at www.EliteFTS.com.
