Addicted to Ammonia?

By Chad Aichs

For www.EliteFTS.com

Recently, it has come to my attention that I and team “Disciples of Strength” may have possibly developed an addiction to ammonia caps. I don’t really agree with this, but it may be possible. I prefer to believe that we just have a great appreciation for them.

The ammonia cap is one of the great inventions of our time. It has many extraordinary uses, and I think many more will be discovered in the future. Maybe people are just unaware of all of these great uses. So in order to increase the popularity and spread the great joy of the ammonia cap, I’ve decided to make a list of some of its uses.

• Great way to start the day: Coffee and energy drinks are mere child’s play compared to waking up, rolling over, and cracking some ammonia. Now that’s a GOOD MORNING!

• Clear out those pesky sinuses: Forget about all that over the counter crap at your local drug store. Crack some ammonia and feel those sinuses clear right up so you can breathe again.

• Perfume: I always hear wives and girlfriends of lifters complaining about all of the time that their significant others spend at the gym. Ladies, try putting a little ammonia on your neck and chest. Your man will be all over you. He won’t be able to resist the animalistic urges coming from deep within his brain. You will probably have to beat him off of you.

• No more falling asleep at the wheel: Make sure to keep a few in the car at all times. We all know that sticking your head out the window only works while your head is out the window. As soon as you bring it back in, you’re falling asleep again. Singing or slapping yourself is just like putting a bandage on an amputated limb. Crack some ammonia, let out a big yell, and your good to go for hours. In fact, I think it should be a federal law that all commercial vehicles have a little emergency case of ammonia caps with them at all times.

• Constipation: Drug stores carry all kinds of products for this problem, but ammonia is by far the easiest fix. You can try drinking prune juice, which is one of the worst tasting liquids ever, or taking flax seed oil, which is the nastiest thing just after prune juice. Then there’s the enemas, which are just plain wrong. The butt hole is for exit only. It’s not designed for anything to go up it. But I’m getting off of the subject…that’s a whole other article.

Simply take a couple ammonia caps into the little boy’s or girl’s room, take a hit, and push it out. I do suggest a few safety precautions though. Be careful not to crack the toilet during the exit of your waste. Also, be careful that you don’t pass out and hit your head on something.

• Labor: I’m not talking about physical work here but childbirth. What’s all this crap about women being in labor for hours? Who in their right mind wants to go through that? Wait until the doctor says that you’re fully dilated and ready to go. Then crack an ammonia cap, let out a couple big yells, and push like mad. Just make sure the doctor has quick hands, and you’re out of there within minutes.

• Public speaking or talking to girls: If you get nervous speaking in front of people or with girls, I have an idea for you. Right before you go out to speak to a large group of people, take a big hit of ammonia. This will give you an immediate shot of adrenaline and help take your focus off of the fact that you’re about to speak publicly. Make sure that the audience doesn’t see you take the hit or wipe the tears from you eyes before going out. 

The same idea will work with the ladies, too. However, it’s even more important that you don’t let them see you take the hit. This could cause them to run in fear away from you. On the other hand, they might like it. I’d be worried about that though because it means    they must be really freaky. If that’s your thing, go for it.

• All sporting events: Other than strength sports, all of the sports have missed the boat on using ammonia. Could you imagine golfers using ammonia? Imagine Tiger coming up for that big drive. Wouldn’t it be awesome to see him crack the ammonia, let out a big yell, and drive that little ball 500 yards? What if divers started using ammonia? Imagine a diver up on the high dive. He needs that last, perfect dive to win. He cracks the ammonia, takes a hit, lets out a huge yell that echoes through the building, and does the best cannon ball ever. I’d watch that on TV every time.

Then there’s chess. Ammonia could really liven that up. One of the opponents cracks a cap, screams out, “knight to B6,” and then yells, “in your face” to his competitor.   Bowling is prime for ammonia use, too. Bowlers should hit the ammonia, quit that         finesse crap, and let the ball fly with some real power. I want to see someone break some       pins! To hell with just knocking them down! I believe ammonia would liven up all sports,   and that would definitely get me to watch more. It may not work for drag racing though.      It probably wouldn’t even effect guys like John Force. He’s already jacked up enough.

While I was working on this list, I competed in another meet. Again, I was asked if I had an addiction problem with ammonia. This got me thinking…how would I know if I really did have a problem with it? So, I decided to create another list. This one includes the ways you would know that you have a problem with ammonia.

• Your boss keeps getting pissed off at you because he’s spending too much money to replace the ammonia caps in the first aid kit at work.
• You walk around after the meet picking up the used ammonia caps to see if there is any power left in them. This is similar to a bum going through an astray looking for cigarette butts that still have some tobacco left in them.
• One capsule is no longer enough to get the desired result, and you sniff two or more at the same time.
• You hit the ammonia for no real reason other than you think it’s fun.
• You carry an ammonia cap behind your ear more than 50 percent of the time that you’re awake.
• You’ve shoved ammonia caps up your nostrils and wondered why you hadn’t thought of that before.
• You’ve done numbers 1, 2, 5, 6, or 7 in this list, which means you probably have some addiction. I think numbers 3 and 4 are actually good ideas though.

Based on what I just wrote, it appears that I may have an addiction to ammonia. I can live with that though. There are many worse addictions in this world. Ammonia helps me live a fuller lifestyle, and I really only have one more statement on this subject…to Dave, Jim, and EliteFTS—please send more ammonia. Fast.

Chad Aichs is a WPO competitor in the SHW division. He began training seriously for powerlifting in 1999. In six years, Chad has proven to be one of the strongest lifters in the world. He now has an 1102 lb squat, an 810 lb bench press, and a 722 lb deadlift. His best total is 2623 lbs, and he has a lot left to prove. Chad holds the AWPC world records in all three lifts and holds the WPO three-lift bench press record. Chad currently trains at American Iron Gym in Sparks, Nevada.

Elite Fitness Systems strives to be a recognized leader in the strength training industry by providing the highest quality strength training products and services while providing the highest level of customer service in the industry. For the best training equipment, information, and accessories, visit us at www.EliteFTS.com.