The Clayton Meet

By Hannah Johnston

For www.EliteFTS.com

Here are some sections of Hannah Johnson’s training logs as she prepared for the Clayton Meet earlier this year.

12/17/2006; 6:37:48 p.m.

12/15/06, squat/deadlift

Sp squat, 8 X 3 at 50% of max plus a doubled green band, briefs and belt only; deadlift, reverse band with purple band 5 X 3, sumo stance; weighted reverse hypers; weighted glute ham raises

I was crawling to the car while dragging my useless legs behind me. Really now, how is it that I have to squat with the green band that’s so thick it could launch a space shuttle, yet I get virtually no help on reverse deadlifts from a purple band that looks like it’s begging for mercy? My coach must have heard about how much I hate bands. I have no idea how because I’m writing this top secret log. Hmmm…

It’s been awhile since I squatted with bands. Let me tell you that I had completely forgotten about something—the initial moment when the weight settles on your shoulders after you unrack it. Does anyone remember chicken fighting when you were a kid? That’s when you let a friend sit on your shoulders and try to topple other kids off of their partners’ shoulders. Being the base means that you get pushed all around and side to side, which is a lot of fun unless your partner is fat or gassy.

Anyways, I felt like the bar was doing some Olympic-worthy, chicken fighting moves on my shoulders. I was pulled front and back and mostly down. Add to that the fact that I was doing eight sets of three, and I felt like a punch drunk boxer. Of course, there was America’s favorite—raw reverse band pulls. Theoretically, this sounds like great fun, doesn’t it? “It simulates your suit helping you. The weight is easier at the bottom and harder as you get closer to lockout. So the weight on the bar is not the actual weight at the bottom.” Sure…

I surmised that what was left out of the explanation was, “It’s going to have a skinny rubber band that you think is helping pull the weight up, but what you don’t see is that there is also a large chain holding the weight to the floor making it impossible to move. What we really want to see is if you’re willing to die trying. Five sets of three, please.” It’s not often that I get angry. Frustrated, annoyed, irritated—these are better ways to describe my feelings. Pissed off is not necessarily a way that I enjoy feeling. But when I set up and pulled my first rep that looked like crap and felt like 550 lbs, I got marginally pissed off. These are times when anger with a purpose inspires people to be productive. And so I snarled and spit and bloodied my hands and scraped my legs and made it through five sets. I’m in awe of lifters who get so incredibly animated before they lift because I honestly felt like I’d run a marathon.

I just wanted to jot a quick note and mention how much I appreciate having a good team behind me. Every Friday night, I travel to Mt. Airy, North Carolina to train with my coach and the Granite City Barbell team. Without the help and support of my coach and my team, I wouldn’t be able to keep making progress. If it weren’t for the encouragement and motivation that they give, I wouldn’t push myself so hard. It’s nice to have those who believe in and support you. Thanks to Ben, Tim Higgins, Chris Clark, Ox Mason, Barry Wood, Chris Cooke, Rodney Coates, Joey Smith, and lots and lots of others. I’m sure I’ll think of more names. Anyways, I also enjoy the camaraderie that we share on the North Carolina State APF board. Check it out if you get a chance and feel free to post meet information or questions. Visit http://www.joeysmith.proboards105.com/. I also have a nutrition and rehab forum on the board: http://www.joeysmith.proboards105.com/index.cgi?board=hannahjsnutritionrehabing. If at first you don’t succeed, add another mini band.

12/18/2006; 12:19:53 p.m.

12/16/06, sled work

30 minutes constant pulling/dragging at 150 or above heart rate (I wore my monitor); four long pass ankle drags (took a plate off); four long pass ab pulls (straps over my shoulders like a backpack); two sets of walking lunges while dragging the sled

I pull my handy sled once or twice every week depending on how I feel and how heavy I’m training. I do it sometimes on Wednesdays and sometimes on Saturdays. This week I pulled on Saturday, and I must say that I’m now seriously rethinking that decision. I was already fried from my squat/deadlift work on Friday, but I just downloaded some new music to my Dell DJ so I decided to test it out.

I usually pull after work, but now that it’s getting dark earlier, I’ve been pulling around lunchtime. This is hilarious because our gym parking lot is adjoining to the Wendy’s parking lot. The drive-thru at lunchtime is packed with people ordering two triple cheeseburgers, large fries, a large frosty, and (of course) a diet coke. Then they pull over to the side of the parking lot and eat while watching me pull the sled. Inevitably, they roll the window down and start asking questions. I must say that this is more than a tad annoying. The best one so far was from a guy who asked (and believe it or not I’ve heard it more than once), “Where are the wheels? Wheels would make it so much easier to pull!”

Silence. Very calmly and with an absolute deadpan face, I replied, “They’re in the trash along with my TV remote control, my VIP parking sticker, and my drive-thru money. What’s wrong with putting effort into something?” That guy asked for a business card and has been a client with me for two days a week ever since. When did things change? When did working out become an oddity while sitting in your car and binge eating became the norm? When people come by to talk, I usually just point to my headphones and mouth something like, “I can’t hear you over the mammoth burger in front of your face. This ain’t osmosis. Watching me workout does not equate to actually doing so yourself.” I also keep a stack of business cards next to my water bottle and hand them out instead of stopping to talk. I’ve actually picked up a total of four new clients that way. And they don’t go to Wendy’s anymore either.

I used to pull my sled in my neighborhood at home, but people started complaining about the noise and dogs howling and all the car accidents from people gawking. Now I have to deal with the Wendy’s crowd and the FedEx crew across the street who have started taking lunch outside and clapping (yes, my friends, clapping) every time I complete a pass. One day they even made scorecards. Anyways, now I’m very sore in my core, and I don’t want to be sore anymore. Hah! If wishes were sleds, then beggars would pull...

12/21/2006; 3:20:29 p.m.

12/20/06, cardio training

Treadmill intervals; incline, 10.0, three minutes, heart rate 120–140, one minute, 140–170, total time, 1 hour 15 minutes

Today was a rough day. As if I weren’t already tired, I had a mass of clients canceling and rescheduling and just generally trying to make my life hard. I usually try to get my cardio done early in the morning, preferably any time between 5:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. Why you ask? Well, for starters, I hate cardio with a passion. Seriously, it’s like an abomination. However, I absolutely love to eat. Some people eat to live while I live to eat. So what’s a girl to do at 5’6’’ at around 148 lbs? I can gain weight watching people eat. So I do cardio in the morning because it seems to stall my appetite a bit. Also, our gym treadmills have cool little TVs on them, and VH1 and MTV both show nonstop videos until 8:00 a.m. After that, it turns into the absolute garbage that has become America’s pastime—reality shows. Ugh. Gag me with a pencil.

Anyways, if I set things up just right, I end up with an empty treadmill beside me. (I usually make a nifty sign that says, “Out Of Order.”) Ahh, now I can watch not only MTV, but also VH1 at the same time. This rocks because I need cool videos to keep me going. I used to hang a Snickers bar at the top of the treadmill and run for it but too many people complained. My favorite video right now is Pink’s “U and UR Hand,” which is just off-the-chain cool. If I ever go punk and get all tatted up, that’s the way I’d want to look.

So as luck would have it, the gym was packed this morning. Great. Now, as someone who preaches a blend of weight training and cardio, I really shouldn’t complain. But for Pete’s sake, walking on a flat treadmill at 1.5 mph while ordering items off of the home shopping network on your cell phone isn’t burning calories. I just wanted to reiterate that for those of you who were unaware.

Finally, two treadmills opened up, but before I could break out my “Out of Order” sign, a lady jumped on and started yapping on her phone while she did what I call the “mall walk.” Fantastic. I gave her every death ray, evil eye that I could possibly give. I seriously singed the hair on her arm holding the phone. She must not have smelled it because she kept on waddling and yapping. So I did what any red-blooded American would do. I reached over and changed the channel on her TV.

She looked at me in disbelief. I pointed at the sign that said, “No cell phone use on treadmills” and said, “I’ll let it slide if you let me watch your TV.” She frowned and got off the treadmill, but she never stopped talking. I whipped out my trusty sign and put my headphones back on. And what do you know? The Pink video was on! I’m not here for your entertainment.

12/27/2006 12:17:36 p.m.

12/23/06, squat/deadlift

Allow me to start with an apology. I’ve been out of town for the holidays without internet access since Saturday afternoon so I wasn’t able to post in my log until today. But I’m back now so gather ‘round the fire and I’ll tell you a story…

Squat, 5 X 5; deadlift speed pulls against quadrupled superpower god awful mini bands,  8 X 2; reverse hyper, 3 X 10; glute ham raise, 3 X 12

I had the ever pleasant experience of trying on a new Metal Pro Squatter today. I giggled just taking it out of the package. There is no way that my camel humps are going in that thing. Nevertheless, I pulled, pushed, manipulated, squeezed, stomped, panted, and sweated. I even hung myself on the rack by the straps. I was still lacking a good three inches up on my thighs and in the crotch. My coach kept trying to help me and said soothing things like, “Just relax into it. Let the strap hold you up. Wiggle and then relax.” Right. I felt like a rat being strangled by a boa constrictor. “That’s it. Wiggle and relax…” I lost all feeling from the waist down. We finally gave up, and I vowed to lose that last 5 lbs of cheese on my butt and thighs. No joke. Wearing equipment is definitely a reality check. My coach is going to inflate a football in the openings and see if that helps. I tried to tell him that he needs something like basketballs or bowling balls, but he says footballs will work. So I guess I’ll wait and see…

The end result—I wore my old suit and cranked out some heavy squats. After the new suit, the old one felt like a worn-out pair of jeans. Yet I can remember when the old suit felt so tight I wanted to throw up. I guess I’m making progress, but I can’t tell if I break in the suit or it breaks me in. Hmm…I’m feeling more and more confident getting the weight out of the rack smoothly. I guess I owe that to those (boo, hiss) squats with bands. I’m also making some big jumps in my deadlift weight. My lockout power has increased quite a bit because I’ve been pulling against (boo, hiss) bands. A major focus of mine recently has been core strength. Heavy, weighted side bends, eagle ab sit-ups, hanging leg raises, and stability ball crunches have all made a significant difference in my comfort under the bar. I daresay even my posture is better. I’ve also been making a conscious effort to maintain good posture throughout the day. The first few days I was actually sore. I guess my posture really sucked because now my abs and lower back hurt. Or maybe it’s all that (boo, hiss) band work that I’ve been doing…remember, “Suck it in, stick ‘em out.”

12/27/2006; 12:46:03 p.m.

12/27/06, shirt work

Close grip, 3RM; shirt work, heavy, 2-board, 3RM; heavy 3-board singles; dumbbell flyes, 3 X 8

My raw strength has improved a bit. I’m very happy that I’m doing sets of five with what I maxed out with earlier this year. Form has a lot to do with it (not to mention having an arch like the London Bridge).

Today went great. I had most of my team with me in the gym, and man does that ever make a difference. The ordinary gym goers look at us with disdain. Most of them are completely unable to grasp why we would want to get all hyped up, pop ammonia caps, pull belts, jack shirts, slap faces, and scream just to lift a weight. Sometimes I feel like I’m on an episode of National Geographic. People practically hide behind equipment and peek at us. Every once in awhile, I get the old, “What is that straightjacket thing you wear when you lift?” I’ve learned from countless explanations that no matter how moronically simple you make it, some people just aren’t gonna get it. Most of the time, I just say, “It’s for your protection and mine.” That usually cuts things short.

Altogether, I’m feeling very strong and mentally focused. However, making weight may prove a bit harder than I had originally thought. I’ve dropped several percentages of body fat, but I’m not losing weight. I know what you’re thinking—don’t I preach every day to my clients about how weight doesn’t matter? How muscle weighs more than fat? Well my friends, do as I say, not as I do. In about four weeks, I’ll be sweating my humps off in the sauna while I starve myself and abuse ExLax. Hey, nobody said this sport was healthy…I heart crash diets.

1/1/2007; 1:31:56 p.m.

12/29/06, squat/deadlift

Speed, 8 X 3, squat with briefs only; heavy 5 X 5 good mornings with cambered squat bar; glute ham raise, 4/10 with plate; ab raises

Tonight was my second attempt at getting into my new Pro Squatter, and it was redlighted big time (I think it had something to do with my butt not wanting to stay down). I’m beginning to think that this is all a cruel joke. I know this stuff is supposed to fit tight but really. This is getting a bit ridiculous. Even if I did get it all the way on, I think I’d be too exhausted to actually squat in it. So alas, I squatted in my old, faithful briefs that ironically are only one size down from my new suit. Yet I can put them on without help and sit all the way to the floor. Just fabulous.

So I’m exceedingly glad that I didn’t have to pull deads today because for the past two weeks I’ve been fighting some awful illness that suddenly manifested itself with gusto this afternoon. Mercy, I feel like I’ve been thrashed with a carpet stick. (For anyone who understands what I mean when I say “carpet stick,” rock on hillbilly.) However, I console myself with the thought that one day I might be sick at a meet, and I’ll still have to give it my best even if they end up rolling me out of there on a stretcher.

Good mornings, which are usually my favorite, were absolutely horrendous because I’m so dizzy from all of the sinus pressure. I did use a pretty decent amount of weight though. I really like the way those feel on my lower back (although I’m still preaching Zercher lunges for core stability and strength). The glute ham raises weren’t much better with all of the ups and downs. But I felt a lot better about myself after the workout just because I toughed it out and got ‘er done.

Anyways, I made it though the workout without throwing up, which is a miracle in itself. Saturday night I was feeling even crummier, but in hopes of raising my spirits, I went to Hooters with my significant other and some friends to watch the Tito Ortiz/Chuck Liddell fight. It was pretty decent, but I wasn’t expecting it to end any differently than it did. Liddell took it to Tito like the proverbial redheaded stepchild. However, the absolute highlight of my evening was during the beginning of the title fight. One of the girls in our group got agitated because a guy seated in front of us kept standing up and pumping his fist at the television. Now, I’m a firm believer in common courtesy. If you’re going to stand up in a seated crowd, you should either a) move toward the outside so that people sitting down can see or b) sit down shortly after standing up.

Apparently, this guy had never heard of courtesy because we’re sitting down in a packed bar, and he’s standing up directly in front of us blocking our view of the fight. Suzanne, the agitated girl, tapped him on the shoulder and said politely, “Hey, we can’t see. Can you sit down?” He said, “No, but you can stand up”. Suzanne is barely five feet tall, and this guy is probably six feet tall or so. She jerked his arm and yelled “Sit down!”

Ok, I’m honestly not sure what caused the situation to escalate so rapidly, but all I remember is Suzanne trying to push the guy into his chair. The guy spit in Suzanne’s face, which caused a flurry of activity that ended with Suzanne being carried out of the bar clutching a beer bottle and the guy unable to see because she broke his glasses and bloodied his nose. Never in my life have I seen fury unleashed like that. I daresay next time the guy will think twice before he blocks anyone’s view. Remember, dynamite comes in small packages.

1/4/2007; 12:12:31 p.m.

1/01/07–1/05/07

I now know what starvation feels like. I haven’t had a solid meal since last Saturday. Yesterday, I was finally diagnosed with salmonella poisoning. It turns out God was punishing me for going to Hooters. Apparently, I contracted it from the chicken wings. My significant other has it too. However, being twice my size, it didn’t hit him nearly as hard as it hit me. All I know is that I’ve vomited until nothing but blood came up. Between Saturday and yesterday, I lost a total of almost 13 lbs. I thought making weight by sauna was the worst. I now stand corrected. My fever was 104 degrees on Monday and still 101 degrees yesterday when I went back to the hospital. For some reason, the nurse kept trying to make me drink little cups of Pedialyte even though I told her I couldn’t keep anything down. So she’d pour a cup, I’d drink it and throw up, and she’d pour another. It’s not like I was doing it on purpose. I’ve heard of a pissing contest, but this was a bit ridiculous.

Finally, I just begged for an IV and got two bags of fluid, but the nausea got even worse. Great, now I’m bloated and pukey. Happy frickin’ New Year. The doctor gave me a prescription for phenergan suppositories (I’ll spare you the details of where those go) and that helped for about four hours. They also gave me a massive cocktail of antibiotics.

Now it’s Thursday, and I haven’t eaten solid food since Saturday. I have a meet in three weeks. Fabulous. I could probably pull my new Pro Squatter on like a pair of my jeans at this point, but I’m not sure if I could even lift the bar. So, in essence, I’m taking the week off. If anyone asks, I’m just doing so well that I took a vacation. I plan on benching Tuesday come hell or high water so keep your fingers crossed. After all, throwing up makes you look hardcore. Lift until you puke, and stay away from Hooters.

1/9/2007; 12:32:52 p.m.

1/8/07, speed squat/deadlift

Squat, 8 X 3; deadlift, 4 X 10; Zercher lunges, 4/15; superset unilateral leg extension/leg curl, 4 X 10; calf raises on the Bosu ball, 4/25; cardio, treadmill, 1 hour 15 minutes; interval training, three minutes, heart rate 120–140, one minutes, heart rate 145–165

After giving 13 lbs to charity, getting four bags of IV fluid, taking two trips to the hospital emergency room and one to Urgent Care, spewing copious amounts of bloody vomit, and (finally) indulging in two full days of solid food, I’m now once again on the road to seniors. And it ain’t the yellow brick road, let me tell you. I’m still at a significantly lesser body weight than last week, and I definitely don’t feel strong. However, I got my (somewhat downsized) hump in the gym last night and worked legs. At least making weight won’t be a problem.

I appreciate all of the emails and encouraging words. It’s hard to appreciate good health until something puts you out of commission for a week. I even had fun doing cardio yesterday and today. The treadmill with a high incline is my favorite cardio (besides sled training of course), and I hit that sucker like it called my mother a bad name. I felt much better afterward, like I had sweated the poison out or something. Nothing felt truly heavy, although I was winded just getting out of the car. My squats were not as explosive out of the hole as I would’ve liked, but they all came up and my food stayed down, which was a definite plus. The deadlifts were great. I wanted to push myself a bit but didn’t want to overtrain my first day back. Between those and the Zercher lunges, my lower back is tight today. Honest to God, I think I strained my abs with all of the throwing up. No, really. They’re so sore it hurts to laugh or cough. So I guess at least I got some work in this week.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Bosu balls, you should really look into getting one. They put a serious hurt on one’s pride, let me assure you. It’s basically half of a stability ball on a platform and you can either use the ball side or the flat side. It sounds simple but underneath that unthreatening exterior, lies a vicious beast that will hurl you to the ground without mercy. I used to surf pretty regularly, and this thing makes surfing look like standing still in a bathtub. I like doing calf raises on the ball side for ankle stability and achilles tendon stretching and squats on the flat side for stabilization and central nervous system work. So today my calves are so sore it hurts just to put my feet flat on the ground.

I had forgotten how hard supersets are. Unilateral leg extensions and curls aren’t so bad by themselves, but put those two back-to-back and you suddenly have a shockingly painful combination. I practically gave myself a crazy horse. Or charley horse or whatever. Zercher lunges are tough even on my best day. With low morale and little left in the reserve tank, I looked like a tottering drunk. But at least I’m sure now that I’m back in the land of the living. Whew, good thing too. I could practically feel my feet getting hot. My coach changed my bench training to tomorrow evening to give me one more day of rest. Shake the cramps out of your fingers and recross ‘em for me. I almost went to hell in a Hooter’s basket.

1/11/2007; 12:21:06 p.m.

1/10/07, shirt work

Raw close grip warm up; shirted 2-board singles; dumbbell incline press, 5 X 5; upright row, 4 X 12; OHP, 4 X 6; triceps single arm push-downs, 3 X 15

Last night was the moment of truth. My endurance wasn’t all that great, but everything came up smooth and fast so no complaints there. I’m feeling a bit more confident about the upcoming meet, although losing an entire heavy training week when you’re three weeks out from a meet is never a desirable occurrence. The only problem is that since I take the week of the meet off to rest and make weight that leaves only two training weeks. Strike one. Also, my new Metal suit is as yet unworn so if (and that’s a big “if”) I can get my camel humps into it on Saturday, I’ll only have one workout in it before the meet. Strike two. Oh, well. Bench night went well so if Saturday handles ok, I guess we’re thumbs up and three sheets to the wind for the meet.

I warmed up raw and put the shirt on starting at 185 lbs. It slid on like a nightgown. Uh-oh. I’m so used to it being very tight in my arms that I got pretty nervous. However, after some test reps and jacking the shirt a bit, I took about eight paused singles off a 2-board and felt fine. Whew. We went just as heavy as normal with no strain, and I was really relieved to see everything coming up so easy. After the shirt work, I did some heavy dumbbell presses, upright rows, and OHPs. Today I feel like Dr. Spock pinched me in the neck with his signature move. My traps are so sore it even hurts to move my head.

I finished up with individual cable tricep pull and push-downs. Those suckers burn like the dickens. I’m not sure what possessed me to do that exercise, but today I don’t even wanna think about reaching behind my head for any reason whatsoever, including fixing my hair. This means that I have on my baseball hat with “MINX” embroidered on it that my star client, Chad, gave me for Christmas. Anyways, I felt great about the workout. I’m regaining more and more energy, and I’m optimistic about Saturday.

Now it’s time for my personal rant. (I love this part). Last week, I had a client tell me that she was feeling “really hardcore” and dedicated because she’s going to this place called, “Appetite RX.” They (get this crap) pierce your inner ear cartilage with a staple to reduce your appetite. They advertise that you won’t even feel hungry because it’s an acupressure point that kills cravings. She asked me what I thought about it (are you chuckling already?), and I said it was a load of bullshit. I told her not to waste her money. But she did it anyway, and today I had to hear her sob story about how bad the staple hurt and how it obviously doesn’t work because she binged last night on Oreo’s. (I blame Dave Tate exclusively for populating the world with his Oreo scarfing post.) She told me that she’s mad because those people scammed her and now she’s got a staple in her ear that doesn’t help her appetite and isn’t even pretty to look at. My god. So she says, “I really really wanted this to work.” I said, “Well, of course it isn’t working. It’s in the wrong place. You should’ve had them staple your mouth shut.” I’m going to win Trainer of the Year. I can feel it.

1/14/2007; 9:50:42 a.m.

1/11/07, sled, cardio, and abs

Sled forward/backward/backpack drags at 150 lbs; one minute sprints X 20; weighted sit-ups and side bends with a 45 lb plate; hanging leg raises X 4 X 10

Because I’m feeling more and more like my old self, I decided to have a punishment day. I’ve gotten several emails from people asking for me to post my light and assistance work days as well as my main workouts so here we go.

Punishment day is a term that I came up with during my total body turnaround bootcamps. It involves a mix of cardio and weights designed to keep the heart working hard while burning as many total calories as possible. I started in the Wendy’s parking lot and proceeded to drag heavy for three minutes and then sprint hard for one minute. That lasted about four minutes before I had to take a plate off of the sled. I’m either still recovering or it was just that effective. Anyways, by the time I was done, my lower back and abs were en fuego. (That’s Spanish for “on fire.”)

Believe it or not, I only got one comment from the Wendy’s crowd. (Maybe my last post on sled training somehow made it out to the burger chompers). But the FedEx/Kinko’s guys always make my day. Two of them came out and clapped a couple of times for me. Ain’t that sweet? Anyways, some old guy stuffing down fries tried to stand there and talk to me while I was resting from one of my last sprints. He kept asking things like, “So what does that thing do? Why do you pull it and then run away from it?” I said, “I’m practicing.” He said, “For what?” I said, “Dragging dead bodies and running from the police.” He just laughed and went back inside. Thanks goodness. I was running out of time for my rest period, and I was seriously contemplating pretending to throw up my water on his shoes.

I carried the plates back into the gym and used 45 lb ones for my weighted sit-ups and side bends. Because I was already pre-exhausted, the burn was ridiculous. Hanging leg raises are the bane of my existence. My legs weigh more than some people’s entire body. Raising those suckers all the way out straight without assistance from a cherry-picker crane used to be laughable. Now at least I can do 10 without falling to the ground in agony. I was actually pretty comfortably numb from all of the other punishment day goodies so these weren’t as bad as usual.

There you have it, my friends—cardio training in its (not so finest) form. I hope at least some people find this program as helpful (and painful) as I have. Sometimes I think about the mindset behind pain. I mean really, there’s a bit of a masochist in all of us when you think about it. Otherwise, why would we do what we do? It’s quite an internal discussion if you study on it for a minute. I’m a sadomasochist. I want others to hurt just as bad as I do. Only then can they appreciate the workout that I as their trainer have taken time to design and test drive. But I digress…yes, mistress, may I have another.

1/15/2007; 12:18:59 p.m.

1/13/07, squat/deadlift

Getting into my squat suit, 5 X 1; full squat (suit only no briefs), 8 X 2; speed deadlift off of the floor, 8 X 3; glute ham raises, 4 X 10

Being so close to the meet, today was not a max effort day. But at long last, I finally made it into my suit. Mercy me, that thing hurts the fat at the top of my thighs. I never realized just how much I had until it was all squeezing out of the bottom of my suit like the Michelin tire mascot. (As a result, I have now redoubled my cardio efforts.) It also cuts my circulation off, and I can’t feel my legs and they turn blue. It’s actually quite entertaining. I felt like I had that remote from “Click” where he turns the color contrast to blue and green. (“Oooooh, you won’t like her when she’s angry…”)

So anyway, I got into the suit (there ain’t no way I’m getting briefs on under that thing anytime soon) and took some moderately heavy singles. The only problem was that everything felt heavy. I mean like “gargantuan fat lady sitting on my shoulders” heavy. Not good. Missing two heavy squat workouts really put me behind. My squats are my worst lift too. Having a 33-inch inseam at 5’6 ½” and trying to bury a squat is like a giraffe trying to eat crab grass. I’m also so short-waisted that my ribs practically touch my hipbones. I’m definitely more comfortable pulling than squatting, but I’ve really been trying to work my weights up in my squat training.

As (almost) always, pulls were fun, easy, and fast. There’s something about picking the weight up like that. It’s just a rush for me. At least something felt easy today because I was getting worried. I even sucked at glute ham raises. I never would’ve imagined that my strength would go down like this. I feel like such a weakling. This is my last official week of training so let’s see how benching goes on Wednesday. I think it’s time for a nappy to recharge the batteries.

1/19/2007; 2:53:03 p.m.

So today I set my bench opener for the January 27th meet. Aside from the extreme looseness of the shirt and the lack of chalk, I managed to make 225 lbs look easy enough to call it an opener. Seeing as to how I was doing that consistently for sets of five before I embarked on the salmonella diet, I’m a little nervous about my meet lifts. I had hoped to open with 240 lbs, but coach always drills the phrase, “It doesn’t matter where you start. It’s where you finish.” I desperately want to total over 1000 lbs. I’ve only been training a year, and all of my lifts have phenomenally improved. However, my squats are still piss poor compared to where they should be.

The squat is the only lift that I’m still not confident about, but hopefully that will change with the breaking in of this new suit. It definitely felt…shall we say…supportive last Saturday. It felt so supportive in fact that I still wear the bruises around the tops of my thighs. Seriously ladies, the control top hose industry could make millions off of these things. Squat suits would be all the rage. They could effectively flatten those annoying bumps and humps and make your ass all but disappear. The only problem is that (besides giving you a righteous camel toe) it pushes all of the fat out the bottom where it ends up making your legs look rather dimply. Or maybe that’s just me. Oh, remind me to share with you my marketing ploy for the Victoria’s Secret bench shirt bustier…

My accessory work was a lot of fun tonight. I did plate swings (we aren’t cool enough to have kettlebells), dumbbell OHPs, stability ball push-ups, and cable lateral raises. Wow, my arms are smoked today. I’m still a bit depressed over my loss of a week and a half of training time, but as Corky used to say, life goes on. (For those of you who got that, I really miss that show.) I don’t necessarily feel weak, but I don’t feel super duper strong like I did. Perhaps that’s because I was 10 lbs heavier than I am now or maybe it’s all in my head. I don’t have a clue. Aside from all that, it’s been a great week at work. I got a lot of sleep, and my personal life is more stress-free than it has ever been. (I find myself humming that Mary J. Blige song, “No More Drama,” while I’m around clients who work my nerves. This really seems to help.)

This meet really doesn’t mean anything. I already qualified for the Nationals, and I just wanted to do this to support our state APF and have fun. And I’m going to have fun if it kills me by god. The only problem is that I have this small inner voice that tells me that winning is what makes things fun. Only the fat kid in little league who rides the bench says, “I don’t wanna win, Coach. I just wanna play and do well.” Well, hang that up because that fat kid will never get to play. I want to beat my own total every time or else what’s the point?

Eight days and counting…this time next week. I’ll be stuffing my face with every food I’ve denied myself for the past six weeks. And then? I’ll go in on Saturday and give ‘er all I’ve got. I’ll set my deadlift opener on Saturday so hopefully this positive streak will continue. Is it better to die on your feet than to live on your knees?

1/24/2007; 8:14:20 p.m.

1/27/07, Clayton meet

Ok, if I told ya’ll the kind of week I’ve had, you probably wouldn’t believe me. So I think it will suffice to say that I feel somewhat like the ant being burned by the cruel fat kid with the magnifying glass. (You know the one who rides the bench in little league?) Anyways, in spite of my obstacles, I’m really looking forward to this meet. Really I am. I mean, I’m practically reaching up to touch bottom right now so things can only get better, right? I’m taking this week off (much needed because I have a roommate in bed with a recent knee replacement, a boyfriend hobbling around with a dislocated kneecap, and a $3800 overdrawn bank account thanks to hackers on the Harris Teeter corporate merchant website). I swear to god, smoke started coming out of the engines of my success when I contracted salmonella from that den of iniquity known as Hooters, and this week the plane pretty much gave up and went down in flames.

In spite of it all, if I can stay sane until the weekend, I just might make it to the meet. Everybody knows us pl’ers are a bit crazy anyway. So on Saturday I can perform a little group therapy with my team complete with shirt jacking, face slapping, belt pulling, ammonia sniffing, and chalk dusting. Chris Clark, get ready for the back/neck rubs.

Oh, I got a present for ya. I just got my film developed from the worlds in New York. This is me and my coach (Chris “Ox” Mason) in November. Pay special note to my fabulous hair. I had just had it done and went back to my natural color. After five years of platinum blonde, it was time to give up channeling Gwen Stefani and try out something more sophisticated. But I couldn’t completely give up my blonde addiction so I went brown and caramel with really blonde highlights. These days the look is really blonde, really tan, and really thin. And because I’ll never be even slightly thin, two out of three ain’t that bad. But as usual, I digress…

For anyone in the North Carolina area, come on out and support the sport! I’ll post an update soon. Going into battle with teeth bared and sauna suit at the ready…

2/1/2007; 12:06:32 p.m.

1/27/07, meet day

Meet attempts

Squat, 315, 353, 374; 3/3: It was actually a little tough to get below parallel on my first attempt. That was a great feeling. In the last few workouts, my old suit felt like it was going to fall through the frickin’ floor. My second attempt went fine and came up super easy so we went all out on the third and made it quite the grinder. I managed to blow some vessels in my eyes and break the skin on my thighs, but sho ‘nuff, it came up.

Bench, 225, 248, 253; 2/3: My first attempt looked like 135 lbs. I was red-lighted on my second attempt because somehow (don’t ask me), my incredibly large arse managed to come off the bench. It still went up, and I made my third attempt without any problems.

Deadlift, 335, 365, 402; 2/3: My first attempt was so slow that it looked like a max effort. My second attempt was so fast that it looked like I could’ve repped it for five. My third attempt came all the way up but wouldn’t lock out. I was thoroughly disgusted with my deadlift at this meet.

Total: 992 lbs: My second ELITE total and a 32 lb total PR! This meet marked exactly one year since I’ve been training with equipment and my first meet in Metal gear. So the meet went much better and much worse than I had anticipated. I had really expected my squats to suck and my deadlift to rock. So imagine my surprise when I set a 30 lb PR in the squat and then absolutely stunk up the gym with my deadlift. Weird, huh?

Anyways, I had an amazing time at the meet. Karl Tillman, Mike Johnston, and a few others were there. We all had quite the conversation in the warm-up room about my ever present makeup bag, hair checks, and body splash spritzing. But really now, rule number one is look good and rule number two is make the lift. However, rule number one is definitely to look good doing it. All the world’s a photo op, remember? (Oh, I’ll surely have the emails pouring in for this one…)

Besides, it smelled like someone had set off a fart machine in that tiny warm-up room. I’ll be durned if I’m not going to add a little freshness of my own in the form of Endless Love Delectable Body Splash by Victoria’s Secret, Degree Deodorant in Oxygen, and Shower 2 Shower Body Powder in Sport. I was actually thanked several times by grateful lifters who were happy to be distracted from the smell of feet, butt, horse liniment, and who knows what else in there. So I had a great time, I made seven out of nine of my lifts, and I set PRs in the squat, bench, and total. I had originally mapped out my lifts to ensure a 1000 lb total, but somewhere along the way with all of the kilo-to-pound ratios and attempt calculations, we overestimated my final total and I fell short by 8 lbs. If we had been aware of that, I would’ve added 10 lbs to my second attempt in the deadlift before making such a big jump on my third. However, we weren’t so I went for broke on my last attempt. Perhaps if things had gone better this past month I would’ve made that last pull. But either way, you can bet I’ll be doing plenty of top end and lockout work this training cycle.

My squats were my most surprising lift. Being so sick so close to the meet, I lost two heavy squat workouts and only got in one workout in my new suit. I was praying to break even with my third attempt from the last meet (350 lbs), but my second attempt came up so easy that we made a big jump just to test things out. For anyone who was at the meet (and hopefully I’ll get a video to post), seriously it was like slow motion on the way up. No joke. All I could think about was Matt K’s eight second deadlift in Chicago last year. My coach was screaming in my ear, my poor black legs were trembling, and I had bloody spots on my shoulders. But I came up with it. I can’t WAIT to see the pictures and videos of that. Hopefully, I’ll break that 400 lb milestone soon. I haven’t even put briefs on under this new suit yet so that should really help.

My bench wasn’t something that I had expected to be a problem. Usually, my bench is predictable and solid. I definitely wasn’t expecting to have any form or technical difficulties. However, for some reason (and again, I have NO idea how this was possible; it’s like defying a law of physics or something) on my second attempt, my butt came so far up off of the bench that you could’ve thrown a beach ball under it. So I’m going to focus on my arch and foot placement from now on to prevent that from happening again. Aside from that, my benches came up smooth, even, and fast. I have no complaints.

All that really matters is that I now know where I am on my numbers. I made it through the meet successfully with no injuries or setbacks, and I’m once again on that proverbial road to the Nationals. Aside from that, my bank reimbursed my accounts, my roommate is doing even better than expected, and the love of my life was there on crutches to watch me set PRs and make fun of my black legs (which were the result of my spectacularly tight squat suit). No kidding, getting that thing on and off is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Sweet Mother Mary. I broke the skin in several places, and today I have various bruises, scratches, cuts, and abrasions all over my body. However, all in all, I got exactly what I wanted. I had a great meet, I set PRs, I set all new state records, and I won best female lifter and first place in the women’s 148 lb class.

I had lots of support from the audience and my significant other as well as my fellow lifters. I snorted ammonia caps, got smacked around, and my legs turned black. So I’d say it was my idea of the perfect day. Thanks to everyone who helped, supported, and lifted at this meet. I met a ton of great people. I had an awesome time, and I can’t wait for the Nationals!

Thanks to (and this by no means will include everyone so I’m apologizing in advance) my fabulous sponsor, EliteFTS, who provided me with my uber fashionable Metal gear; my coach, Chris “Ox” Mason, and his beautiful wife, Kristi Mason (the emcee), who proudly introduced me as “The MINX” before every lift; Matthew (my “everything”) for sucking it up and putting me before himself even when in pain; Mike White, who popped ammonia caps, pulled my belt, and smacked me around for my bench attempts; Dr. Lawrence Gray, who stretched and poked and prodded me back together again after each of my lifts; my star client, Chad, who believed in me and always manages to inspire me with his own personal drive and motivation; Joey Smith, Rodney Coates, Chris Clark, and Julie Cooke for providing motivation and taking pictures; Kyle Robertson, North Carolina APF State Chairman and meet promoter; The Clayton Fitness Facility and staff; the entire audience who came out to support the lifters; Granite City Barbell; the former east coast Barbell; Greensboro Barbell; Team Torture Crew; all of our North Carolina lifters who did such an awesome job; and all of the lifters who traveled to this meet and made it such an entertaining and exciting day. I may add more at a later time because I’m sure I forgot at least one or two names or groups.

I’m startlingly sore today. It feels like I got hit by a truck. I’m going to rest this week, do some Chuck Norris cable exercises, and just mess around. Thanks again for all of the support and emails.

Check out Hannah's training log here

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