EFS Troll Vacation – The Search for Dave Tate
By
The EFS Troll
Day 1 – Plane Trip from Hell
Left this weekend for a cruise. A little R and R (Rack Pulls and more...Rack
Pulls) for this overworked and underpaid Troll. It is no secret that I
structured my vacation around 2 things:
1. My training.
2. Dave's vacation
See, Dave is currently on vacation (with the Ghost of Bob Youngs) and I'm here
to steal his Jockey's and see if we can't just "happen" to run into each other
at the buffet or the weight room. God, I hope I can train arms with Dave. Dude's
got some missles attached to those broken shoulders.
Don't say anything about his shoulders, asshole. He's a friend of mine so I can
tease him! Well, not really a friend but I've read both of his books, so I feel
like I know him. Well, not ALL the way through but most of it. The books are
pretty good. What I've read, anyway.
I did go to a seminar once.
Not an actual, live seminar. I bought the Westside Seminar VHS off Ebay for
really cheap. Some one made copies. Felt like I was at WESTSIDE!!!
So I got stuck in coach on the plane ride there. I don't know what the f*ck
happened. I had my APF card AND my IPA card with me but it didn't make a
difference. I should have broke out Dave's business card, but I have it framed
and hung at my mom's house. Wouldn't have mattered anyway. Everyone knows Dave,
even lame flight attendants who won't acknowledge a PRO ATHLETE. They know what
he looks like and they would've known I was an imposter. Bitches. Looks like
I'll have to enter the unsactioned Raw Unity meet and get the card from there.
Maybe that'll help.
So as you can see I was crammed into my seat. Back was killing me after the
flight so I'm hoping the cruise has a reverse hyper to knock out these low back
pains. I only got one drink and couldn't even open the bag of pretzels I bought
at the gift shop. Note to self - stop using straps when deadlifting.
Look at the turd next to me. I started talking about Dave and his new diet but
he just stared at me, confused. At first I thought, "This guy doesn't know
Dave?" then I figured it out. He doesn't like Dieting Dave. I can appreciate
that. I don't like it but can appreciate it.
In order to make it a better flight for both of us, I talked about things I know
would make him happy; Wave Loading, foam squatting, CHUCK TAYLOR'S! and
extensions.
I saw him crack a smile when I lifted up my camo shorts to reveal a very loose
pair of Metal briefs. My hips have been killing me lately so he understood - a
lifter's gotta do what a lifter's gotta do.
They are Viking briefs, not Ace. I'm not stupid.
Anyway, I'm in my cabin now and got a full week of plans - I've got Dave's
intinerary from Bob Youngs.
Day 2 - A Brush with Gyno and Dave Tate
After breakfast and a hearty dump, I walked around the boat (down the hallway
and out the first door, actually) and admired the ocean views. After 5 minutes,
I had enough and proceeded to the pool area. I thought this would be a good time
to bronze the body. After lathering my front side in SPF 15, I came prepared. I
took out my toilet brush and squeezed a healhty portion of sun goo on the brown
stained brush and applied liberally to my traps and lats.
After 30 minutes on my stomach, I flipped over and noticed my gyno was KICKIN'!
Man, I could've squeezed a quart of brown boob fluid from these suckers! I put
on my tank top, not wanting to show the tater tots turned potatoes.
That's cool though. Stuff is working!
I climbed into the hot tub with some fine looking babes, wearing my tank top and
made sure to take my time. I saw the ladies admiring my body. I wedged myself
against one of the nozzles. I'm pretty sure I didn't wipe very well after
breakfast so clean up was priority #2 (after doing some hot tub triceps dips.
100 reps a day).
I spent the rest of the afternoon walking slowly, making sure I had a good lat
pump. Jumped in the pool a couple times to cool off and almost drowned. I'm not
that strong of a swimmer, but I played it off. It's my low body fat.
But the big news is that I saw Dave. F*ckin' Dave Tate, baby! He was laying by
the pool, enamoured with his iPhone. It was soooo mint. I walked by him a few
times but he didn't notice. After my 6th pass, I had to take a break. Low back
was pumped and cramping. Damn plane ride.
I came back for a 7th pass (Lucky Number Seven!) and no luck. He probably left
to do some dieting. I sat in his chair and tried to absorb some of his sweat.
You know that sh*t's anabolic.
After a busy day, I had to take a nap. Sitting and walking is serious business
for a man like me. I got out my binder of powerlifting articles and rededicated
myself to GPP and aminos. It's gonna be different this cycle; I probably won't
bomb again
Day
3 – Snorkeling Adventure
I slept pretty good last night. Woke up 6 times in order to down my 6
protein shakes - I'm always trying to stay in postive nitrogen balance. Woke up
with a pump, sweating and out of breath. No better way to start the day.
Swallowed some NO2 tabs and made my way to the top of the ship.
We docked today and I got to go snorkeling. See that watch in my picture?
Waterproof and good to 10,000 feet! And it tells me how far I've dived. I
didn't check it though. I'm not even sure how that function works on my watch.
Awesome watch though. There is so much cool sea life under the water. It's
like a whole different world down there - fish and rocks and coral and things.
I even saw a Manta Ray. Stupid thing doesn't even look like the barbell
contraption that you snap on.Totally disappointed. I'm not sure why the marine
biologist even named it that. It seems that someone needs to go back to
school. After the snorkeling, I hung out on the beach and even did some jump
training in the shallow part of the ocean. Lots of tuck jumps and lateral
hops. Totally inspired by Vasily Alexiev - sh*t was so mint. I fell a lot
though. I made a mental note to train harder in the water and added it to my
list. After a 4 hour nap, I got back on the ship and ate dinner. I got about
80g of protein in and made my way to the bar. I was hoping to see Dave there
and we can talk about training and stuff. So many hot girls though! Dave was
almost an afterthought. Almost. There was this one girl that was making eye
contact with me and I thought it was on! She was pretty intimidated by me
though - I'm pretty big and a pro athlete so I just let her make the first
move. Which she didn't.
Wow did I drink! It was like college again. I remember one time in college me
and my bros each drank 2 cases of beer in one night. We were f*cked up. 2
cases, man! I threw up for 6 hours straight, landed in jail and pissed my
pants. College was awesome - man do I miss those days.
I mostly drank alone though. One time this totally hot chick came up to me
and asked if I was using the chairs at my table. I said no. She then picked up
the chair and brought it back to her table with her friends. 5 girls and 3 guys
- all the guys were lame. None of them had any upper back development so I have
no idea what the girls saw in them. I saw them look at me a few times and
smile. Actually, they were laughing. They probably recognized me from that
picture of me that ran in PLUSA in '05. In the back, with the meet results.
Did I mention I once drank 2 cases a beer in a night?
Day 4. My meeting with Dave Tate
I had the best day ever. Fuckin’ Dave Tate and me, the EFS Troll. Breakin’
bread and breakin’ wind. Did I mention how cool Dave is? Like a cucumber,
which he apparently eats a lot of because he’s on a diet. That’s what people
eat on diets. I’m not sure though because I’ve never been on one (a diet not a
cucumber).
The Ghost of Robert Youngs told me that he and Dave were going to be going to
the Mayan Ruins in the afternoon. I got ready that morning, making sure to load
up my fanny pack with some extra pinky’s and some clenbuterol. I don’t take
clen but figured it would be a cool peace offering to give to Dave. Friendship
built on thermogenics.
I arrived a little later than Dave and spotted him at the top of the ruins.
How fitting. Dave, my God. I laced up my Chuck Taylor’s, took a hit from my
puffer and started making my way up.
The guide told us that there were 68 stairs. That guy is full of shit.
After 30 minutes, I reached the top and finally met Dave Tate.
“Are you (WHEEZ, WHEEZ, COUGH) Dave (PHLEGM WHISTLE) Tate?”
“Ummm, yes?”
I don’t remember much after that because I passed out. It was so awesome.
The rest of the day was foggy and filled with calf cramps and back pumps. I
finally made it back to my room and fell asleep to the quiet hum of my c-pap.
Day 5 – Shopping
There are two things that define a man – his total and the rigidness of his
erection. Both can be purchased in a Mexican pharmacy.
After assuring I’d have both, I went and had some fish tacos. Nothing better
than a taco cart and some stinky tacos. While they were good going down, things
weren’t the same the rest of the day. Had a few problems at the swimming pool.
I kept playing it off, saying my sunscreen was really oily. I don’t know if
anyone believed me though. I headed back to my room to try some Viagra. I had
a date with Pornhub.
Day 5 – Going home!
I also got bumped to First Class! Check out the meal that gave me.
Salisbury steak just like the lunch lady use to make. And corn. You know what
they say; Corn today, corn tomorrow.
Vacation Photo Show
If you are not eating carbs, you are wrong. Or really lean.
Check out the girl in the background. I totally gave her crabs.
Dave’s private vehicle. Here I am sitting in Dave’s seat. This gave me a
permanent band peg.
Sunset was beautiful in Mexico. Somehow I managed to find a button down tank
top. That’s harder to find that a hymen in Las Vegas.
The EFS Troll lives and breathes lifting and internet forums. He can
judge parallel from a thousand miles away, never writes under his own name and
is currently the #1 rated lifter in his own mind. Despite his faults he has the
good sense to not videotape his monologues shirtless, thus exposing the world to
his gyno.
See the Troll Slideshow here
Get the Troll wallpapers here
