Gym People
By
Dustin Kuhl
Do you ever want to just scream when you walk into the weight room and look
around at everyone else in there? What are they doing? Doesn’t it sometimes just
drive you a bit crazy (especially with all those New Year’s resolution people in
there)? Sometimes, don’t you just want to turn around and walk right back out
the door?
This won’t be as informative as my “Origins of Strength” article, but
hopefully it will at least be a little entertaining. I’d like to go into rant
mode here. There always seems to be the same stereotypical people in the gym. It
gets a bit frustrating (and sometimes funny), partly because you see some of
them doing the same dumb things you did in the past but mainly because they
don’t know their head from their arse. Or maybe more appropriately, they don’t
know their vastus medialis from their vastus lateralis. Or their linear
periodization from their conjugated periodization. I digress…
To protect the guilty, names have been changed, made up, or hell, kept the
same even. My apologies if you fit into any of these categories. Don’t take it
personally. (Note: When you preface what you say with “my apologies” or “don’t
take this personally,” you can say whatever you want!). Hopefully, you find
these as entertaining as I do and this helps you make it through a few more
workouts in your foo foo commercial gym. If you don’t train in a commercial gym
and have your own “garage gym,” can I join?
Mirror Matt
Do you know the reason why mirrors are in gyms? Well for Mirror Matt of
course! How else could he check out the pump his guns are getting during his
set, after his set, after his set, and after his set of curls?! It’s a good
thing he’s doing four days a week of biceps training. He might soon get those
pythons up to a full 12 inches!
I’ve been meaning to talk to management and have them check on any leaky
seals in the building too because whenever Mirror Matt walks by the mirrors,
there seems to be an updraft. I can walk around the same location but never feel
it, but I know it’s there because his shirt always seems to come up. This
usually causes an involuntary reaction (from the shock of the air hitting his
skin I’m assuming) of ab flexing. His training sessions include any location in
the gym or a machine where he can see his reflection. I’ve never heard of said
training protocol, but he’s a hardcore follower!
Mirror Matt’s favorite shirt
Chatty Chad
Sometimes training is just overrated. Chatty Chad knows this and makes sure
to talk to everyone in the gym instead. Whether it’s about his fantasy football
team, a movie he just saw, or that girl on the treadmill, he’s got something to
say between every set. He must be really concerned about full central nervous
system recovery between sets because it routinely takes him between five and ten
minutes. Of course, between leg extensions and triceps kickbacks, I’m not sure
which is the more physically demanding and requires these long rest periods. I
guess I must be missing out on the “eXtreme rest period mass accumulation”
scheme he’s using.
“Feel the burn” Barry
Rep after endless rep, Barry always lifts for “the burn.” Because if you feel
“the burn,” that means you’re making progress and actually doing something.
Feeling “the burn” equals getting results, right? Unfortunately for Barry, he’s
getting “the burn” on endless reps of curls or push-downs, not exactly the most
effective exercises. But of course, he’s not exactly using the most effective
training methods either, so it really doesn’t matter. Maybe, just maybe, he
should skip focusing on “the burn” and on how sore and horrible he feels after
training and focus on results instead. Feeling “the burn” doesn’t mean you’re
doing anything right. Puking doesn’t make you hardcore. Both of those are easy.
Getting results is more difficult.
Pathetic personal trainer Ted
Ah, trainer Ted…where do I start? Do you really think your new client should
be doing lunge walks with an alternating dumbbell press the first day? I can
just glance over and see she has tight hip flexors and the thoracic spine
mobility of Frankenstein’s monster. Did you do any assessments before giving her
a trial by fire? I can only imagine how her lower back is holding up under that
extreme lordosis with load. I guess you are too busy to fix her form because you
have to catch her from falling over. Maybe some basic exercises and movement
patterns along with some mobility drills would be better to start out with. No
need to do an advanced progression right away. Or I guess the harder it is for
your client, the better the client thinks you are, right?
Don’t forget to spout off some idiotic information from a fitness magazine
you just read because your weekend certification course didn’t teach any real
information about training, anatomy, or physiology. It’s a good thing Joe and
Jane Q. Public are as clueless as you are due to infomercials, quick fix
advertising, and the misconceptions that keep getting spouted by most media
outlets or they wouldn’t be wasting their time (not to mention money) with you.
Fancy Felicia
Nothing says training attire like wind pants and a fancy dress shirt. Kind of
like a mullet—business up top and party on the bottom! Fancy Felicia is retired
and comes in to do her physical therapy. Now, I will be the first to say that
you should rehabilitate when necessary and pre-habilitate the rest of the time.
The only problem is she’s been rehabbing for a few years now. There’s a word
called “progression” and she needs to learn it.
Even if she’s going to stick with endless rehabilitation, at least get up to
date a little on the rehab methods. She is doing stuff for her back that would
make Dr. Stuart McGill cringe. Even so, I guess I can’t rant too much on her
because she is actually doing something and has kept at it for quite some
time. And even though I don’t know about style, do you really need to wear a
dress shirt and wind pants to the gym? Really?
Lollipop Larry
Also known as “chest and arms Adam,” lollipop Larry looks like, well, a
lollipop. He pulls off the look by sticking with upper body exercises, focusing
on chest the majority of the time with a little arms and back thrown in
occasionally. But no resistance training for his legs. Ever. This results in a
very comical looking, skinny lower body with a muscular upper body. A good wind
would tip him right over, and he also gets pointed and laughed at by girls and
guys alike. I’ll give him credit for putting in the effort and getting some
decent results with all the upper body work, but c’mon. Only dweebs don’t work
their legs. No, running or jump roping doesn’t count for working your legs.
Marathon Molly
The distance runner. The bane of powerlifters everywhere. Marathon Molly runs
and runs and runs and runs some more. While I will say it’s impressive, I don’t
think the repetitive stress, pattern overload, lack of range of motion movement,
increased cortisol levels, decrease strength levels, and potential for increased
fat storage is really worth it. I’m not saying powerlifting is the safest event
done long term, but having the force of 2–3 times your body weight on a single
leg with every foot strike tens of thousands of times isn’t what I call healthy
either. I’ll give her credit for actually competing and being consistent with
training but don’t expect me to endorse it (or do it!).
Running hurts you. Don’t do it.
“Trying to lose fat” Phyllis
Poor overweight Phyllis. She has the best of intentions, but due to all the
misconceptions out there, she is doing far from the best things to lose fat.
“Aerobics are the best way to lose fat due to the fat burning zone,” “lifting
turns females into “she-he’s,” and “anything low fat is good for you” are only a
few that are out there. I can’t blame her too much because she’s only following
what most people think is proper anyway. Throw in her seeing Marathon Molly, a
slim and trim runner, and of course slow distance running is the best thing to
do. Please realize that a naturally slender, built to run, never been overweight
person is probably not the best person to mimic. Diet and aerobics can take your
body from “more fat” to “less fat,” but without resistance training, the body
composition changes you want will not come. Sorry Phyllis.
“Self-proclaimed guru” Grant
Guru Grant comes in every day with a plan like he knows what he is doing. He
does some foam rolling and mobility and activation work before he starts his
resistance training. Free weight compound exercises are the staples being used,
and his technique is close to textbook. He must think…Wait! This sounds pretty
good. Never mind…I think I’m describing myself. Next person!
Grunting Gage
Grunting Gage is an annoyance, but luckily, he can be drowned out by wearing
headphones. Watch out if you forget. I once was doing a set of dumbbell bench
presses when I started hearing a whole lot of grunting and groaning. I got up
and uneasily looked over, half expecting to see that the side of the gym had
somehow turned into the set of a dirty movie. Luckily, it was only a couple of
guys benching with a plate on each side. Maybe the more noise you make, the more
impressive you are supposed to look. But if you want the attention, at least
have some weight on the bar.
Along with grunting and yelling, grunting Gage usually looks like he is
having a seizure while lifting. Swinging weights around and moving your body
seizure like doesn’t scream safety or proper training. Learn some technique and
body control. You’ll be better off in the long term, and you won’t look like
such an idiot.
As much noise as Grunting Gage, but a lot more weight, so it’s
okay.
Martial arts master Marty
Kick box master and Tae-Bo killer, master Marty, goes to all the classes he
can and considers Billy Blanks a close personal friend. For some reason, this
silly guy believes all of this improves his fighting prowess, and his ego is
only matched by the number of punches and kicks he does a day. This is also the
guy who does Crossfit, P90X, and any other flavor of the week training protocol.
Not that any of those are necessarily bad in and of themselves, but don’t think
you’re some advanced elite trainee because of it. There isn’t an infomercial
this guy doesn’t like!
Veteran Vick
Veteran Vick has had many years ‘under the bar.’ Unfortunately, that’s all he
has and still relies on the training information from his gym teacher he learned
back when “he had to walk to school barefoot ten miles in the snow.” He has all
sorts of stories about what he could do back in the day and never misses an
opportunity to let a younger lifter know he remembers that it was easy for him
years back but age is taking a toll on him. He gets credit for staying at it all
these years but needs to quit whining and making excuses. There is a decline
with age but only if you’re at your absolute genetic peak (no, you’re not at
it). Too old? I’ve seen guys in their 60s and 70s compete in powerlifting. Have
to take care of a bundle of joy? You have Dave Tate and Jim Wendler who still
can keep at it. Multiple kids? Check out Jen Heath and see what a mother of four
can look like. Excuses are like…well…you know what they’re like. Stop making
them.
Now before you get all offended or start sending me hate mail about these
caricatures and why I don’t help these poor, mislead people, you need to realize
a couple things. People don’t want help. They think they’re doing the correct
things and won’t listen or change. Their ego can’t take it. They heard it from
someone or read it somewhere, so it must be the right way. I understand. I was
in the same spot, and until they broaden their base of knowledge and realize how
much BS is out there, they aren’t going to change.
To be honest, rewind a little more than ten years ago, and I’m in the same
spot. I know I wouldn’t even listen to myself if I could go back in time and try
to put myself on the correct path. Back then, I knew everything. Now, after
years and years in the gym, thousands of hours of reading everything from
articles on lifting and supplementation to books like Supertraining,
Science and Practice of Strength Training, and ones usually reserved for
college courses, I realize how little I know. I had the same kind of hubris the
people described above have. Reading a thing or two, taking it as gospel, and
following it. Really if you “don’t know that you don’t know,” what else can you
really do?
Also, I really don’t know where to start. I was baffled when I heard someone
say that muscle turned to fat. Seriously? People still believe this? Lifting
weights turns girls big and bulky? C’mon. I’m just thrown off when I’m supposed
to go from thinking about reciprocal inhibition in lower crossed syndrome to
some thought like “muscle turns to fat.” It would take hours just to get a
person to a basic level. How would you explain how to rebuild an engine to
someone who doesn’t even know how to check their oil? I get frustrated enough
reading and listening to what people think who don’t even have a basic knowledge
of physiology or training much less trying to explain it all to them.
Frankly, I’ve wasted so much time already trying to help people out. I’ve
grown a bit cynical and figure why waste my time (although sometimes I do slip
up and help)? I remember one time I was asked to design a lifting routine. I
was given the old program for an idea of what was currently being done and the
exercises that were known. It was a train wreck, but I went ahead and just did
some basic things to make it way more effective. I changed the split, I changed
the exercise selection and exercise order within the workout, and I changed a
progression scheme to use that would have lasted a few months for this
relatively new lifter. I gave it back and explained a bit about the thought
process behind it. To my sorrow, the very next day, the person came back with
another ridiculous workout similar to the original. Claiming what was in the one
I gave him and the thought process behind it inspired him to fix it himself. I
just shook my head and realized once again how much time I had wasted on helping
someone.
Hopefully that explains a bit on where I’m coming from. But hey, if you’re
still mad, send off an email to me and I’ll read it. Or if I’ve missed a
commonly seen gym type, let me know. If you really want to make me happy, send a
few bucks my way so I can get my own equipment and you won’t have to listen to
me complain as much because I won’t see these people in my own gym! Happy
training, and remember, the New Year’s resolutioners have almost given up!
Dustin Kuhl is an office worker by day and weightlifter by night living in
Michigan. He’s able to get lots of exercise for his neck by shaking his head in
disgust while training around others. While not shaking his head, he has
competed in the USAPL at both the state and national levels. Considering himself
a “self-proclaimed guru,” he is always willing to help others who want to
achieve their goals in training (if they’ll listen!). Dustin can be contacted
at dustinkuhl@gmail.com.
Elite Fitness Systems strives to be a recognized leader in the strength
training industry by providing the highest quality strength training products
and services while providing the highest level of customer service in the
industry. For the best training equipment, information, and accessories, visit
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