How I became a staunch advocate of self-meditation medication
By
Jim Wendler
1. Alcohol: This is a slippery slope, so you’d better
know your limits and your reactions. The good thing is that alcohol can make
you more social. The bad thing is that you might forget to use your edit button
and ask grandma about the open sores on her legs - and then compare your
deadlift shins to hers. Of course, having a few drinks can also knock you out,
and this is a good thing. Sleeping through a family gathering is highly
recommended. Although you may look lazy and disinterested, it’s better than
starting a conga line and dry humping your aunt (or uncle).
2. Bring a child: Even if you don’t have a child, you can
always borrow or rent one for a few days. There are plenty of parents who would
pay you to take their children for a few days of peace and quiet. Now, of
course, there will be questions but most of these can be easily answered with a
few words and a cute smile from the new child. If you are a parent, having a
young child with you is perfect. The elders will swoon around them and shower
them with affection. This is your cue to sit on the nearest chair (never the
couch…people will sit next to you) and pretend to give a damn about the Detroit
Lions.
3. Sit at the kiddie table: This has been in my arsenal
and always will be. This ensures that you will avoid all adult conversation
during dinner. Because there are lots of old people (that smell gross) at these
gatherings the conversations are always about people who died, death, dying and
bowel movements. At the kiddie table, only the latter is discussed, and with
much more enthusiasm. Plus, no one cares when you don’t eat your vegetables
(i.e. some kind of green casserole thing).
4. Never show up: If you have two families in the same
town (or relatively close), this is easy to pull off. But you must have an
understanding spouse. First, call your parents and tell them that you’d love to
come but your in-laws are demanding that you spend the whole day there. Then
say how much it means to your spouse, blah, blah. Play the role of a good
husband/wife. Next, have your spouse call her parents and spout the same
garbage, blaming your parents for being selfish pricks. Finally, enjoy the only
peaceful time in your life with your family, as they will be eternally grateful
to you for your devious plan for independence. Now if you’re single and don’t
have a family, no one really cares about you anyway.
5. Latch on with the cool kids: As with high school, this
is a surefire way to make it through any social situation without incident.
Cool kids (and adults) have Kool Rays and a Douche Shield that prevent the nosey
aunt or prying grandfather from entering the Awesome Lair. Now if you don’t
know where the Awesome Lair is, you are probably not awesome. So stay out. But
if you can spot it and get in it, cocoon yourself and stay there as long as
possible. No bathroom breaks. Usually this area is around the drinks, so
you’ll be able to have some cocktails while basking in peace.
6. Religion and politics: This is a huge faux pas at
parties, but not if you can set the bomb and leave. This is easy. After a few
hours casually start a conversation about Obama or Catholicism (or Islam!)
amongst a large group of people. These people must be drinking to get the full
effect, but a sober debate can also turn ugly. There is nothing funnier than
seeing people fight over the merits of a peaceful religion. Once you set the
wheels in motion, excuse yourself and watch the fireworks. Again, sit in chair
and care about Detroit Lions.
7. Drugs: This is a last resort, but only because of
liability. If ever there was a time to take Xanax, Vicodin or whatever else you
have left over from various surgeries, this is it. Spending time in a haze is
always positive. I do not recommend doing this with the aid of alcohol, unless
you’re awesome. Then, by all means…
I’m going to end this article with one of the greatest EFS Q/A posts ever,
written by a friend of mine. This has nothing to do with Thanksgiving or
Christmas, but very relevant for family parties. Enjoy!
---
“Okay. So last night I went to a family get together for my Uncle’s birthday.
Now keep in mind, I loathe family parties, and my family in general. My
grandmother is old and crusty, my Aunt Terry never fails to babble incessantly
about her boring work as a computer tech, and her husband seems to favor my ear
over any other with his "entertaining" stories of the adventures he and his
friends used to come upon when he was my age.
Well, my mother and I get to the party, and after about an hour, I realize that
this party is going to follow the precedent of all the others - it's going to be
boring as hell. As I sat in a chair at a table all by myself, my only company
being a bowl of stale buttered popcorn, I glanced over to where the beverages
were and my eye happened to catch a case of beer. "What the hell?" I thought to
myself. I'm going to be here for the next five hours, I'm bored, and as everyone
is well aware, a boring situation can quickly turn into fun when you're piss-ass
drunk. So with this in mind, I moseyed over to the beer and proceeded to get
shitfaced. No one really took notice, as my family is a bunch of goddamned
drunks who love to share. I don't know what it is, but for some reason when my
family gets together, everyone suddenly turns Irish and the liquor flows like
water. Well, whatever. I took advantage of this and started chugging beer after
beer. After beer four, I started to feel plenty good. My cousin came over and we
started talking and after about 10 minutes we decided to grab a couple and head
up to her room (it was her house).
Anyway, my cousin and I are up in her room, pounding beers, and surprisingly I'm
having a pretty good time. Conversation somehow takes a turn to her ex-boyfriend
and how big of a jerk he was. She begins to tell me how she thinks I'm a good
guy, and how she would like to be with someone like me. Well, that's great. I
start to begin to think that she's a LITTLE more drunk then I originally
thought, as these are some pretty weird remarks she's making. Whatever. A little
while later, I'm still drinking, and the conversation is starting to die down.
She starts looking at me, and gets up and sits right next to me. Well, at this
point I felt a little uncomfortable, as I was getting a weird vibe from her - a
vibe that one cousin should not be getting from another cousin. I start spouting
off random stuff to break the awkwardness of silence, and as I'm in
mid-sentence, she leans over and kisses me. Not one of those, "Hey it's nice to
see you" kisses, but an "I'm putting my tongue in your mouth and then I'm going
to put it under your ballsack" kisses. At first I was taken aback, as I’m sure
you would expect, and I pulled away. I stared at her, and she back at me, and
then once again she leaned over and kissed me. This time, however, I let her do
it. She’s pretty hot, a good kisser, and I was drunk. Yada yada yada, I got up
and left and had a wicked hangover the next morning.
My problem is, I know she is my cousin and stuff and family is supposed to be
close...but I let her borrow my Eyehategod CD, and when I was up in her room I
saw that the stupid bitch broke it. Should I make her buy me a new one, or just
let it be?”
