I’ve trained less than five times in 2019.

It started with my GI condition. I switched from Humira (it was destroying my liver) to Entyvio. So the inflammation in my body skyrocketed- i.e. everything fucking hurts- and it will take six months total for the new meds to kick in, which will be about the end of August (so long sweet summer!).

The good news (wait for it…) was that I had a probable torn rotator cuff and I’d have plenty of time to rehab it. Long story short it’s likely a cyst caused by a torn labrum, which is a better long term diagnosis post surgery. Hoping to have that over and done with soon.

So my motivation to train or even rehab plummeted. What for? Everything hurt.

It felt like a full on dumpster fire at one point. 

  • I thought I would continue doing shoulder rehab and push ups. I haven’t.
  • I thought I would continue sled work. I haven’t.
  • I thought I would continue walking on the treadmill. I haven’t.

So 2019 has left me feeling beat up physically, mentally and emotionally. But only part of that is due to lack of activity and/or circumstances. I’ve come to realize that the bigger drain is my EXPECTATION to train. I expect myself to stay productive. I expect myself to WANT to train. 

What I’ve come to realize is that the signal has been loud and clear- I need to rest. And I need to be ok with resting. That’s where I can be productive. 

It took so much fortitude to train over the last two years that I have no will power left. I need to let that heal or recharge on its own.

I understand that training is therapy for some people. But what good is therapy if you walk into the therapist’s office, lay face down on the couch, and then feel bad about not wanting to talk to the therapist?

 

So what wisdom can I impart on you, if any?

Be aware of unconscious expectations. Expectations in general lead to disappointment. If I wake up and expect to have a good squat day, it opens the door to ultimately feel let down. Instead, if I am grateful to have the ability, time, and resources to squat, well then everything else after that is gravy. I’M NOT saying that you shouldn’t have any expectations for yourself. I AM challenging you to be aware of what you are really expecting from yourself and use that constructively.

Understand that change is the only constant; adjust accordingly. You may be acutely sick (meaning a cold or the flu) or you could be chronically sick (like Ulcerative Colitis). You may be getting up there in terms of training years. You may be having your first child. Whatever it is, you don’t have to lower your expectations per sei, but you may have to adjust your approach or your timeline to live up to those expectations.

And remember that it’s your ride. I recognize training is therapy for many. It’s not for me. It probably was at one point- my shield for insecurities that I held dear. But now, this is a sport with an endgame. So I know where my ‘walk away’ is. And I won’t grovel at it’s feet for the chance to train. I’ll regroup. Recover. Reassess. And come back stronger.