Well, those that still follow my log have probablly been wondering what the hell happened. I haven't said it out loud yet or announced it yet as I felt like it was a job to get done that was a process. Here it is:

In April 2016, I was diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma related to HPV in my neck . It was a tumor that orginated in my right tonsil and grew out and latched onto the lymph nodes there.  I found out after a biopsy of the site by a ENT. She scared the shit out us and made us feel like this might possibly be it.

Like most people, as she said the words out loud, I thought who the hell is she talking to? It is a surreal moment you don't believe.  You still look around as if there is someone else in the room they are talking to you but, hell no she is still talking to me and my face. She was nice enough but not informed so the worst case scenario was getting all your trips done and have a good time. Fuck really, the wife goes nuts for a couple of days. I have dealt with alot of shit over the years but this one stings you numb and pretty much all time stops for you while you are stunned and shocked. The next step was to go to the oncologist.

The oncologist is a tall slim and very pale guy. He does not talk alot but I find out that this type of HPV related neck cancer is very common.  Pet Scan is engaged a week later to see where we are along with 30 radiation treatments and 3 chemos. Meanwhile, during the wait time, they do all the prep work for radiation including the head and shoulder mask you have to wear that keeps you pinned down during radiation. .  Esssentially, they heat up a pliable plastic shield in hot water that they then mold over your body and head.  I guess if you took a picture of hannibal lectur in his face mask and mixed it with the  body suit of the Creature from the Black Lagoon, you got my mask.  Super creepy and again goes back to the whole numb moments when the Doc told me I had cancer. You are not in belief it is happening to you!  But there you are, pinned down looking up at the reflection in the glass. I am thinking I just want out and run or Ricky Bobby telling Cal Norton, Sling Shot Engaged and rip myself out of  there.  Had i known the hell I was going through in the next 10 weeks plus I would have run out of there more then likely.  The anxiety on me at the time was raging on the inside while the outside was icy and numb.

My last good meal that I could actually taste was the weekend of my birthday and the wife's APF Masters Nationals. This was about 9  radiation treatments in and one chemo day down. Each chemo takes about a week to recover from. Basically, the chemo is like a Tsunami wave crashing all thorough out your body. It's goal is to kill any straggling cancer that may have moved throughout the body, but in the process it wrecks everything in its path. Everyone handles it different, some vomit, some just have constant nausea. For the first round of chemo I stayed on top of my nausea meds every 4 hours which made a big difference so I just had that nausea.  The nausea meds make to sleepy and I hate that sleepy feeling. I developed hiccups for pretty much two straight days for the first two chemos. I hate hiccups like I hate sleepy adn being doped up!

Getting back to the last meal I can remember. You really take for granted being able to chew and swallow and just enjoy food. Neck radiation kills your taste buds. I am at 4 weeks out of radiation now and almost to a point i can swallow without water to push it down. I can sorta taste food in the beginning but then nothing.  This is suppose to all come back with time and so far it is a tiny incremental process where I gain alittle ground each passing day.  Super frustrating to say the least.  When I go through my facebook feed, there are always people making great food. I constantly send these to the wife saying I want this when I can eat!

When I can eat is part of the perspective you gain when you take a beating like this.  After week two going in the the third week I had not lost any weight, maybe a couple pounds. During the whole thing, both Doctors said you will lose weight. I figured I would but I thought it would only be 20lb, maybe 25lb tops. I was okay with this being that I was alittle heavy at 255lb to 260lb.  I was not prepared for what would happen after that.  About that time, every meal began to require a bite of food and a swallow of water to push it down.  I also had to chop any meats down to tiny pieces or puree them in a blender so the meals got smaller and smaller and small.  I went from 3000ish to 2000ish calories to 500/750ish calories a day. A good day was two whip yogurts(the 80 calorie ones and a serving of ramon noodles with come mushed up canned meat.  That is when the muscle fell off along with alot of bodyfat(about the same rate really). This went on for almost 4 weeks post radiation treatments. I am just now back up to 1000 to 1200 at week 4.  My weight dropped all the way to 205, 50 to 55lb lost in 6 to 8 weeks! When it got to 205, I really thought we might get to 190ish which I had not been since the bodybuilding show in 2008! But I had a ton more muscle then!.

But this is also a testament to all the years of training  I had done including cardio. Had I not been 255lb with alot of muscle,  I would have probably dropped to the 160ish ,maybe less range.  Early on, before treatment began, I spoke with Clint Darden many times. He was extremely helpful in preparing me for some of what was to come. He lost about 80lbish during his intial go but because I had not been through it I was still not in full comprehension of what was to come. You never are till you actually go through it honestly. That is anything in life.  I do need to thank him profusely though for his help.  He kept lifting all the way through as well. I trained as well except for the 3 weeks post radiation.

The first week post radiation was really the most difficult of them all. The chemo didn't help at the end but the buildup from the radiation was terrible. I really didn't sleep for days. A hour here and a hour there. I had gotten some bug as well and was taking some anti biotics which turned out into  a really bad case of thrush-twice! Basically, thrush in the mouth is a yeast infection of the throat and tongue where you get white bumps that crack, dry out and impede swallowing and in general hurt like hell.  The thrush and radiation build up created quite a double team of face pounding-literally and figuratively! Additionally, the body was trying to realign itself and get everything back to what it was. That process involves alot of dead tissue and what seems like infection to get out. Hack, spit, hack spit. Remember eating food and drinking enough water is a huge task. Pretty much each time to eat and drink required me to draft up alot of courage. You are not hungry ever and the pain is so intense with the added thrush you just don't want anything. Trust me, I tried everything-painkillers, mucsonex, pure lidocaine orally, etc just to tolerate things.  I ended up living on what they call magic mouthwash-lidocaine, benadrly and milk of magnesia along with  oral lidocaine for the next 3 weeks well the majority of time after week 3 of radiation.

Pretty much the entire time, people were asking me if I was doing a bodybuilding show again. A bodybuilding show would have been a treat compared to this! I ended up naming it the Death Diet, cause what else do you call it? Still the majority of people had no idea what was going on except I lost alot of weight and my voice was gone.

About a week out from radiation, I see the radiologist.  This is the worst I felt and if someone called me a zombie, that would have been a upgrade to me.  At this time, the after effects of the last chemo where leaving me. The doctors told me about 2 or 3 weeks to feel better. I am a optimist because the suffering currently is  beyond anything I have dealt with physically and as most of you know I have torn the majority of muscles and tendons/ligaments off my body! I ask the radiologist how much longer before I feel better, he says you will start to feel better in 10 days. I am trying to negoitate with him by saying, "you means 10 more days or two weeks total?"  He does not mean what I want him to mean and it is literally to the day 10 days before it begins to incrementally get better.

The radiologist is more proactive then the  regular oncologist. He was the first one to tell me the cancer was only between stage  one and two and that being a HPV related cancer, very treatable. So at the week after radiation check up, he orders a CT scan with the dye to see where we are with the cancer. The scan reveals the tumor had shrunk from the tonsil back to the lymph node but that the remaining part had fluid in the middle meaning it was dying. Not out of the woods but super encouraging so far. The oncologist would not have ordered this but the radiologist wanted to see if he needed to implement any further electron radiation(basically very specific right on the tumor) But , otherwise I would have to wait till six weeks out to know anything.  Thanks goodness the Radiologist wanted know right then!

I let the cat out of the bag about this time to the general public(gym and stores) The wife had told the family and a few others but pretty much no one really knew. A couple of people guessed the situation so we let them in on it.  It is not that I didn't want anyone to know as I mentioned earlier, I just didn't want to talk about it incessantly with people not knowing where it was going or what to expect plus I didn't want a  leper/pity party from everyone. Just hammer the job out and get to the next stage-no frills or drama.

This past weekend I went out for the first time with everyone for a couple beers. My voice is beginning to return and some of my taste buds are working again.  But the majority of food for awhile just does not have much taste and the beer burned as I tired to force it down. I thought it would be a couple weeks and back to normal eating and drinking but it ain't so.  The cool part was my friends who showed up to hang out and support me.

In the beginning of this, the wife wanted to plan a vacation a couple weeks after but not knowing how it would turn out made me pull back from anything like that. It would have been terrible to go on vacation and not be able to eat.  I will say the frustration waiting to heal up can make you depressed-I think I am still depressed to a degree. The three weeks you are down after  the radiation,you think about alot you took for granted. Eating anytime you want. Talking anytime you want. Going anywhere you want.  Handling your affairs on a day to day basis. Having any fun. Just the normal daily activities are almost impossible. I managed to pull my hours at work until after the sixth week of radiation. It was not easy.

I also watched alot of tv and read when the chemo brain would let me read for more then 10 minutes. I found the Vice channel and have been glued to that alot. It is a gritty reality channel with alot of different shows-some fun and some that just give you another person's perspective and the reality they live in.  Again it goes back to how you look at things. I have always been a straight forward and get to the point guy. FInd out what the problem is and figure a way to resolve or conquer it. I  will always be that guy but I do believe after you get news you have no control over, you sorta have to take a different look at it and maybe not approach things so black and white. I find myself wanting to return to the old ways but I don't think I will ever be able to fully be the old guy I was.  Many a time I was in chemo or headed to radiation treatment  and realized that was I was going through was mild and be thankful. Which I am very thankful and pray they got it all out of me but there are people in way worse shape then I am. Those are the people who really need the prayers and hope from people.

I guess what I am saying is cancer or any other disease can happen to anyone and at anytime. Sometimes it is something you could have avoided but mostly you just never know why you got it. You just can't predict it. Take care of yourself and enjoy your life. Some of the things you think are important really aren't that important.  If you want something, go out and earn it. It isn't worth having if you don't earn it. Go out and have some fun. Do stuff you are totally scared of or that just make you uncomfortable.  That is my plan along with all the other things I got going on!

Finally, I have to mention the wife, Susan, who I could not have made it without her support. She did everything in her power to ease my pain.  She racked her brain, the internet and anyone she could think of to find ways to deal with the suffering and aftermath of the radiation and chemo. Without your loved ones helping you, it can be a impossible road but with her and friends I am getting through it Love you dear!

Let you know in a couple weeks the verdict. Pray it is good!

 

Spud