Rhode Rules

TAGS: jabbathehut, cult, council of fatties, rules, rhodestown, rhodes

We will not be drinking Kool-Aid. Rather, Liquid D-Bol in Gatorade, EVERY DAY!
I feel it's time to elevate my godlike status to that of cult leader. My followers are growing in numbers. This is a message for those who choose to listen, and a warning for those that do not. I am the one to bring this message - a message of hope

Here are some of the basic requirements of membership in the RHODESTOWN cult:

1. You MUST be at least 275 pounds, regardless of height.

2. Amendment to requirement No. 1: if you’re not 275, you must REALLY want to be and you MUST be trying REALLY hard to get there.

3. You must be happy when someone refers to you as "fat."

4. Progress reports (stretch marks, to the non-cult member) are absolutely necessary.

5. Sweating ALL the time, regardless of temperature, is required and graded.

6. You must have trouble wiping your ass and are willing to deal with it if you cannot finish the job properly.

7. You DON'T have to take off your shirt to look jacked. If there’s any question - you're out.

8. Visible abs are severely frowned upon.

9. Amendment to requirement No. 8: the top two abs can be out, but no more!

10. You must believe and put into practice that McDonald's is the perfect pre-workout food.

11. You count PR’s and 45 pound plates, ONLY!

12. You must be willing to have a "fat-off" - like a flex-off - to see who has more body fat.

13. You can ONLY measure your neck, and your belly at your belly button and hips. No one cares how big you can get your biceps.

14. Addition to No. 13 - your neck must be bigger than your head. The nickname, "Stack of Dimes" is not cool.

15. You must use 45 pound and 25 pound plates only.

"Dimes, nickels and chips are for chicks." -Dave Tate

16. If you ask, "How much do the chains weigh?" or "How much tension does that band give?" you will be beaten. Badly.

17. Under Armour or any form-fitting shirts are banned.

18. If you’re wearing a sleeveless shirt and hear, "You have a string hanging from your shirt," put on a shirt with sleeves. The next part of that question is, "Oh, sorry. Those are your arms."

19. No one follows Prilipin's chart or calculates percentages. SMASH F@CKING WEIGHTS!

20. If you miss a weight in training, you’ll hear, "Two more reps!" as the bar is being pulled off you.

21. You must not put anything in your mouth that doesn't have calories in it.

22. Amendment to No. 21: your girlfriend/boyfriend is okay.

23. You WILL be sodomized by all members of the cult upon acceptance. We’ll be wearing condoms and using Capsacin as lube. We do not provide mouthpieces, so bring your own.

24. If you’re gay, that's totally cool. But, you must divulge this information so that when we’re insulting each other and saying, "You're so gay, dude," we can make sure to say, "You're so hetero, dude," to you. If we’re insulting, we want to make sure everyone's feelings are hurt.

25. If you have veins that are visible, other than in your penis, the Council of Fatties will have to determine if you still can be considered for acceptance.

26. While training for a contest, you can ONLY gain weight. We in RHODESTOWN do not – under any circumstances - cut weight.

27. There’s no cutting and bulking season. It's a perpetual bulk. And we don't call it a bulk. It’ll be referred to as "getting jacked" or "getting fat."

28. Amendment to No. 27: if health concerns arise, they must be brought to the attention of the Council of Fatties. If the Council cannot come to a decision, the final call will be made by Jabba the Hutt. His decision is final!

29. If you can see your cheekbones, collarbones or jawbone, you need to start eating McDonald's for every meal until the problem is solved

30. It’s looked upon with great reverence if your cholesterol is higher than your bodyweight.

31. You must retain water at all times.

32. It’s preferred that your blood pressure is high by medical standards. You must not care. No one needs to live forever. We’re here to SFW!

33. No food is to be left on your plate. If you throw up in your mouth, swallow it back down and continue eating. You’ll excel here in RHODESTOWN.

34. Amendments to No. 30 and No. 32: you may take the appropriate medications to control the problems. However, no change in diet is allowed! No weight loss will be allowed, unless deemed acceptable by Jabba himself.

35. You must find trannys hot.

36. No more than three days per week or twelve days per month of cardio.

37. Amendment to No. 36: sex doesn't count as cardio, but you MUST be on the bottom. If you change positions, please videotape it so we can learn how it's done. Then, go to the refrigerator and start eating. There is no reason to not be on the bottom! If you can or want to change positions, you're not big enough.

38. Absolutely NO Red Sox or Patriots fans. You people are so retahded and I can't stand the accent or ignorance. Get in youah cah and get the F%$* out!

39. We in RHODESTOWN are Dallas Cowboys fans. We do not recognize other sports.

40. Sleep Apnea is preferred. However, we do recommend that you get a CPAP.

41. If you’re hungry, EAT. If you’re not hungry, EAT. It's that simple.

42. Flip-flops are to be worn year-round regardless of climate. If you can or want to put on and tie shoes, you must refer back to No. 41 and No. 1.

43. Fat, bloated and strong is the ONLY way to go thru life.

44. Glenn Ross, Vasily Alexyev, Zadrunas Savikas, William "The Refrigerator" Perry, Nate "The Kitchen" Newton, Johnny Perry, OD Wilson, and Fat Bastard from Austin Powers are to be referred to as "beautiful.” Others that fit the mold are to be referred to in a like manner.

45. You must put butter on everything you eat. Crisco is better.

46. There are no medical or dental benefits, but you’ll receive a free haircut

If you have concerns or questions, you're probably not going to be accepted. Don’t try to deceive us here in RHODESTOWN. We’ll know if there are non-believers in our midst. You will be punished!

Your leader,

Matt Rhodes

Disclaimer: I have the final word on acceptance into RHODESTOWN. If you aren’t accepted, you’ll be killed and eaten. Nothing will deter us from our mission to rid the world of metrosexuals, Health Clubs, counting calories, maintenance diets, lifting to look good/get chicks and prejudice towards others.

 

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