1. Be like Jesus H. Christ
Número uno, you have to be like Jesus H. Christ himself and have a biblical following. You must have Paul, John, Matthew, and all the homies preaching your gospel.
Psh, think about it. Someone of another faith calls you on your bullshit, and your prophets are there to "handle" your business. Tagging each other in, like some 90's WWF wrestling match. While you sit back enjoying the fruits of the kingdom, they, embedded in mom’s basement, unleash holy war for you.
Stress-free from the throne, unless that one, tainted, dark, sport-killing action happens. Then it's at the Holy One for a depth-check, bringing fire and brimstone, with a "high" call bellowing from above. You know, cause integrity and shit.
2. Run a Camera
Okay, now that you have the following – the “crew” – your next move is número two (Spanglish).
You HAVE to follow this because it’s a significant component to becoming a great powerlifter. You have to teach one of the prophets to run a camera – not just any camera, but a high-velocity, $4k do-hickey that shows your five-o'clock shadow (male or female), or every pimple on your scrawny back.
Time for the drama: record every warm post to the biblical channel of your choice. When those aren't reaping enough harvest anymore, go for the old “I was homeless but we’re dying to become great” video, chock-full of tears and dramatic background music. Maybe pass out, puke – you know, something, anything to get your word to spread to the nations.
3. Get Sponsored or Die Trying
If you get a significant sponsorship, you are fucking set! It's a well-known, researched, and tested fact that free t-shirts add at least (and I'm conservative here for the sake of science) 100 pounds to your bench, and at least 200 to your squat.
Now that you’ve made it to the big leagues, that deadlift day has to, JUST HAS TO, have a nice bottle of some overpriced, shitty, sweet whiskey. Hey, you’re big time now. Splurge and send it – it could be your next sponsorship opportunity. Knee wraps, wrist wraps, t-shirts (oh my!), and another podium to preach and spread your prophecy.
4. Go For a Few More Clicks
This one is going to be a little tricky – so come at me. Train harder? Stupid, go a few more clicks, and in a few weeks, a few more, then a few more, and well, I'm sure you get it that if they aren't full, you’re a fool. Giggle, giggle, integrity – giggle.
I mean hey, Tren is as cool as a polar bear’s toenails these days – all the cool kids are doing it. Tren, Test, Anadrol, Dbol, my balls, your balls – take it all. Make sure to tell everyone that you are running it too, its totes cool points to be on gear. Hey, don't mind that you look like shit and couldn't fight your way out of a wet paper bag – you’re on gear man, so you are fucking James Dean-cool. Tiny back, having ectomorphic clowns with high blood pressure and low totals, poetry.
5. Buy Something Powerlifting-Related
This is one for the mere mortals who will never achieve almighty status. Every chance that you get, buy something powerlifting-related. Wear a shirt or hoodie every day that says, “Hey, look at me – I lift. I lift and I know you wouldn't be able to tell unless I wore this sick, chicks-who-lift-for-power shirt in seven different colors, one for each day of the week.”
Be sure to tell anybody and everybody who will listen that you are the real-deal steel-mover. Tell the masses that it’s “who you are” – well, until it gets hard or you get hurt, or there's a sick party on Friday. Then and only then is it okay to rock your lame-ass powerlifting brand shirt to show your dedication. (Man, I can see you clowns lighting up when someone asks you about lifting because of your whiskey and deadlifts shirt – fuck that).
Bonus
I'm feeling the "pass on" portion of the L.L.P.-on mantra, so here goes what NOT to do in order to become great. Got your pens ready? Got your glasses on? Okay, here goes:
Do not, under any circumstances, train hard – that's a really stupid fucking idea. Don't sleep and eat and train your balls off – that’s a sure-fire way to fail. In addition to that gem, don't train without public praise – it's a scientific fact that 100 likes will add five pounds to your total.
So, take this advice from one of the great’s and reap the benefits of this tried and true, proven training advice.
Oh yeah, and if you could please donate to my GoFundMe, I have a meet coming up in March – it's a 30-minute drive, and my truck blows through gas like you wouldn't believe. Also, I have cookie-cutter diet and drug programs for the low, “you-know-so-I can-pay-for-sups-shit-ain't-cheap” bro. Act fast – I'm swamped and only have like two or 30 spots left this month.
Alright, there you have it. Follow these scientific ways and you'll be on your way to greatness. You'll still be weak and look like shit, but man, people will know you lift!
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