In our industry, we like to make fun of resolutions and those who make them.  In some way, it makes us feel superior to laymen and we must take the opportunity at this time of the year to remind all of the undisciplined and "average" people of the world that we are superior and, therefore, do not need such plebeian goals.  

I do not subscribe to this viewpoint.  I do, however, admit to rolling my eyes more than a few times over the Holidays while out-of-shape people - drunk on eggnog - proselytize about the plan they have to get into shape... finally.  Nevermind that they don't recall doing the exact same thing only a year ago and probably the year prior.  It does get old, but that does not change the fact that some people really DO want to change and though only a small percentage will last through February, I try to be as supportive as I can for the few that actually might stick with it.  Basically, I am not a dick and want to support people.  I don't need to put myself on some ridiculous pedestal and pretend I am better than they are.  In fact, I should probably resolve to quit chewing in the new year because I really do need to quit.  Why not quit now?  Because just as the New Year gives fatties a clean slate to potentially get less fat, it also offers me the opportunity for a clean slate, as well.  And just as fatties don't want to start dieting and working out before the Holidays, I do not want to quit chewing just yet, either.

My ideas are not about how to help my fat wife (she's so cute fat, though) buckle down and stay focused on her goal after the Holidays.  Instead, I am going to give some advice to those who plan to go to the gym and may lack gym etiquette.  You will get in the way in the parking lot, on the gym floor and in the locker room, but I am going to minimize your risk of getting bitched out by the holier-than-thou meatheads that will hate you being there whether you stick with it or not.

1. Don't rest your ballsack (or vajayjay) on the dumbbell rack.  This means get your dumbbells and get the hell out of the area in front of the dumbbell rack to do your exercises.  If that space is not delineated by a yellow line, pretend there is one and it is roughly 5 feet in front of the rack.  The only time you should be in that area is to get your dumbbells or put them back.

2.  Don't hog the dumbbells.  This means if you plan to do drop-sets with 3 or more sets of dumbbells, go home instead.  The gym is packed after the first of the year and no one is going to support your circuit program that you read about in Family Circle or Woman's Day Magazine.   Everyone else wants to use the dumbbells, too, so take one set of dumbbells and when it is time to use the others, put the dumbbells you are using back and grab the other set.

3.  Do not think you can leave dumbbells unattended while you do another exercise and expect them to be there when you get back.  I am a pretty nice guy in the gym, but if you aren't using it and you have left it unattended and I need what you have, they are now mine.   I may return them when I am done, but most meatheads won't.

4.  Don't make up exercises that are stupid or you might end up on social media.  People are terrible and will take a pic or video of almost anyone doing stupid shit so don't be the one that goes viral.  Basically, figure out what to do - the right way - before you go into the gym and take up space at the time of the year where space is limited.

5.  If you train with a fat wife or girlfriend, expect me to hit on her.  I like the fat ones.

6.  Wear clothes that fit.  There is nothing worse than seeing the equivalent of what looks like 10-pounds of potatoes crammed into a 5-pound sack.  That goes for you fat guys, too.   Titties hanging out is an exception unless you are a guy - put that shit away.

7.  If you don't know what good hygiene is, stay home.  We are in close quarters and if you smell like shit at home, your stinky ass is going to smell even worse at the gym.  And don't eat anything with curry before you go to the gym and I don't care if you are Indian or not (dot not feather).  Curry and sweat don't mix.

8.  If you load plates, unload them.  If there is a gym full of people training, there are guys like myself that will single you out and yell at you from across the gym to not be a lazy ass and put your shit back.  That goes for even one plate.  Why?  Because there are plenty of people that will be in the gym in January that can't move one plate and it is rude (and lazy).  If you are big enough to use em, you are big enough to put em away.

9.  Be aware of your surroundings and don't get too close to anyone who is doing an exercise.  You aren't a gym regular so you don't know what they are getting ready to do and you might get hit by a barbell or dumbbell, or worse yet you could injure someone, including yourself.

10.  Put your phone down unless you are changing your music.  It is a waste of time and someone is likely waiting for you to get done using a piece of equipment and if you are fucking around on your phone in between sets, you are setting yourself up to get bitched out.

11.  If you are using a piece of equipment, a barbell or dumbbell and adhering to all of the above points I mentioned, don't, for one second, be intimidated by a meathead who is bothered that you are using something they want to use.  You can let them work in or they can wait.  If you aren't using it and you are talking, leaving the equipment to do something else or playing with your phone, get the hell out of the way.

12.  Do not rely on one of your friends to workout with you.  You need to be motivated to workout on your own because statistically you are going to quit after 1 to 2 months and if you do stick it out, statistically your friend will bail on you in that time, as well.  The likelihood of you both staying with it is slim to none so focus on YOU and you won't be disappointed when your friend doesn't show up.

Now, go get drunk on eggnog and shove massive amounts of calories in your fat talk hole because after the holidays you need to follow through on your drunk rant about how you are going to get into the shape you were before you spit out 4 kids and let your body go for the last 20 years.  If you think it will happen in 2 months, stay home.  If you understand that it is going to take quite a bit of time and you are committed to making it happen, I will gladly welcome you into our "club" and at this time next year you can look down upon others, too.  It's good to have goals.