Now, one week out from the BOTB and this is the first update I’m doing since I was seven weeks out. The training was fun and going great. One thing Conjugate is not great for is meet peaking. It’s great for muscle and strength building but there comes a point in a meet prep where the accessories and speed work takes away more than they give. Especially when it’s time to push the heavier numbers.

Every training session, I take videos and every week I update my log. Well, the last month every time I went to update my log, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. The truth is I’m in a lot of pain. I would go to write and the only thing that would come to mind is the searing pain of my muscles wanting to rip off my bones. The swelling around every joint that throbs. The difficulty of just sitting or standing in one spot right now is another deterrent, not to mention the numbness in my hands and arms that leaves me with a burning sensation and no use of my hands at all, till it subsides. The loss of sleep from pain and numbness. My frustration and impatience that has been growing along with the agony in my body. The fear I experience all day before training. Pissing my pants under the bar on squats. The time invested in my training that takes away from work and family (and this blog). Then, looking at other women, half my age who have not been alive as long as I have been training, blowing right passed the numbers I struggle so hard to achieve.

Work, for me, is mostly online coaching and personal training. I’m on my feet a lot. When I’m not growing stronger, I’m helping others too. I’ve noticed I’ve grown a bit intolerant of anyone who complains because they need to suck it up too. People tell me I inspire them. I don’t want them to know how bad I’m suffering. I feel shame around it. I didn’t want you to know how hard this is for me. I’m a “beast, a “badass.” I have never trained so hard for anything in my life. I go to the gym just knowing it’s too much. I can’t do it. Then I do and suffer the consequences. But my numbers have all gone up. That was my goal, right? Why aren’t I happier about it? Because it’s still not good enough. Which means (in my mind), I am not good enough. Currently, I’m the second strongest woman for my age and weight and it’s still not good enough. Would number one be? Nope. Nothing is good enough to an addict. We have the disease of wanting more, constantly. It won’t be good enough, till I can’t do it anymore and that day, I dread more than anything. I have openly admitted, I’d rather die. Coming from someone who has attempted suicide multiple times and survived near death many others, I mean that statement. Right or wrong.


Life in recovery is a lot of work. You don’t just do what you need to do. Its not possible. Resistance is there 24/7. You must fight yourself to do the things you need to do. You must get out of your own way constantly. How do you do that? Well, sometimes you don’t. You go back to bed. You sleep and avoid. I’ve done quite a bit of that lately too. I’m beat up and exhausted, so I’ve been napping during all the free time I have. Train, work, sleep. To be a champion, you need to be a selfish asshole. At least for a little while. That’s what addictive behavior becomes. Prepping for any competition leads to this. It’s selfish. It has to be in order to achieve greatness. For an addict, it’s behavior that’s precarious. I become a “victim” of having to train. I become a victim because I can’t train due to work or exhaustion. “Poor me.” “I have to.” More bullshit to sift through. Nobody is asking me to do this but me. I want to do this. So, the vicious circle of passion, drive, guilt, and shame run a continuous circuit in my brain, effecting every decision and rep I make or do. Some stuff is going to get neglected. Namely, my blog this time. A lot of people want to get to the top. Not a lot are willing to do what it takes to get there. That does not make you any less of a person. Just maybe, it makes you a better person if you don’t compete. I can’t or won’t let competing go. Not only won’t I let it go, I’m going to continue to compete in two sports. So, I’m going to be the best selfish asshole I can be. If I inspire you to do anything, I hope it is to be as honest with yourself as possible.

When I first began this powerlifting journey, I wrote down some goals. Part of me never thought I’d hit them. I was told by a coach after a meet, “you’ll never be one of the best, but you can be the best you can be.” I quit training for three months after this. I learned a lot about what not to do from this coach and for that I am grateful. I got back on my horse, didn’t I? And I am within reach of the goals I wrote about. I’m also ranked #2 for my age and will be #1 after this meet. I’ll be moving up the Open rankings too. Calling my shots? Yeah I know that’s ballsy but it’s also factual. I may not be genetically gifted to be one of the best but I won’t be outworked. And hard work trumps lazy genetics.

Back to the training. In the last seven weeks, my recovery wasn’t keeping up with my training. My nutrition has been pretty good. My sleep has been interrupted lately so that doesn’t help. I had to take most of the accessories or bodybuilding training out of my program. Initially, this helped a lot. I still had speed work in though and my numbers on squat and deadlift weren’t moving as fast as I’d like till I did this.

Then, I decided it was in my best interest to turn my programming over to my powerlifting team leader, Andrew Yerrakadu of Ironbound Barbell. We took out my speed work and accessories and stuck with just the meat, the three main lifts. The last month we began “overloading” and I’m pushing right now at around 120%. Even without the accessories and speed work, it’s taking me about 3 to 4 hours to bench, squat or deadlift. As the weight increases, the time for each break increases. I train late, after working all day so I’m usually spent when I get there. Training under distress has served me well and I’m much closer to my goals and it’s conceivable that I could hit one, two or all three of them at this meet. The training itself is very straight forward. Start with the bar and keep on adding weight. Once I get to my overload goal, I start backing down at 100% and go till I can’t go anymore. Last night, I pissed my pants every set over 65%. I collapsed after one set and fell into the puddle of piss, where I sat and had a conversation for at least five minutes. I went home covered in piss, sweat, and dirt and I wouldn’t have it any other way. If this doesn’t sound good to you, you may not want to have the same goals I do, that’s all.

One more day and this prep is done. As of next week, I will have done three meets in eight months. In 17 weeks, I will step on stage again at the IFBB Puerto Rico Pro. I will (hopefully) have done three meets and three shows in one year by June. My powerlifting ranking will be back to Elite standing in the Open and hopefully, I will qualify for the Olympia. A dream I’ve had since I was a teenager. I will also be 47 years old. I’m not bragging. What I’m trying to get you to understand is, in order to do what I do, I have to make sacrifices most aren’t willing to, and that is OK.


I appreciate you following along and the support you offer me. It does make a difference. I think of you when I train. I hope that you are disappointing some people in order to be true to yourself. It is not your responsibility to make anyone else happy, except yourself and it IS your responsibility to do that.

Be honest and stay strong.