I have worked with a lot of great people over the years and I am fortunate to be in a position that I can pick and choose who I work with these days. That being said, someone always slips through the cracks. It happens to the best of us and there is nothing worse than working with someone that makes you count the days until you are finished with the consult. For those that aren’t shitty clients and are considering this route in the future, I want to make the process as easy as possible by providing you with what I feel are the five absolute best ways to accomplish your transformation to shitty client. I would encourage you to try this on either your current trainer or someone you hire in the future as long as it isn’t me.

1. Know More Than Your Trainer

I should probably rephrase that: THINK you know more than your trainer. You paid them a lot of money because of their experience, knowledge, and reputation (or at least you should have). They almost certainly have years—if not decades—on you, but you have somehow acquired more knowledge and experience than they have. This may explain why over 90% of people that workout claim to be either online trainers, specialize in contest prep, or are nutrition experts. My thoughts have always been that if you are that good and you know that much, why hire someone? Save your money and do it yourself.

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2. Don’t Follow The Plan

This one piggy-backs off of the last point in that because you know more than your trainer, you don’t trust the instruction you are being given so you obviously need to take the controls and do what you feel is right or, even better, pick and choose what you are going to do and change the parts you don’t agree with. That way, your trainer has no fucking clue why you aren’t progressing and  you certainly aren’t going to tell him. Sure, some do, but most won’t. If you feel hungry then you are probably just losing muscle and must take in more calories. If your legs are beat up and cardio is a bitch, just skip a session. These are your decisions to make, not your trainer's.

Food Fight

3. Think You Have More Potential Than You Do

This one is a favorite. It’s as if some people have different mirrors than the rest of us. These mirrors give off a reflection that only the client sees while the rest of us see something completely different. This can get so bad, actually, that the client doesn’t even believe the trainer when the trainer is honest with them.

Another example is when someone starts their first prep doughy and fat with very little muscle and expects to have ripped glutes and a stage weight of ten pounds less than their starting weight. This person might get into excellent condition for THEM but they are usually disappointed when they go to a show and get destroyed. This is somehow the trainer’s fault but I will get to that in the next point. Having high expectations is never a bad thing until those expectations aren't realistic.

4. Listen to Advice From Your Friends

I get that your friends are experts (as you are) because it says so on their Instagram accounts. Taking their advice or taking the advice of another so-called trainer is another great way to be a shitty client.  You’re not paying everyone that you are asking questions of, and they have little to no experience compared to your well-respected trainer, but for some reason you feel this is a good idea. I encourage it; go for it.  I especially think that you should listen when your friends say things like, “Your trainer said to do THAT?? That is soooo stupid, bro.”

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Equally as important is you need to listen to your mom and your friends when they tell you how jacked you are and how great you look.  Your trainer has no clue because obviously your friends aren’t biased — they wouldn’t lie to you.

5.  Scapegoat Your Trainer When You End Up Looking Like Shit

This is where you do the first four things that make number five incredibly predictable. Make sure to not take any accountability after the dust settles and you don’t look like you wanted to look. It CLEARLY is the fault of the person you paid. Forget that you didn’t execute the plan—that doesn’t matter—but if you knew so much more than your trainer, why aren’t you in excellent condition with the changes you made to the plan on the fly? Be sure to tell other people how terrible your trainer is, as well. Your trainer deserves the bad press on social media and you deserve props about how great you could have been had your trainer known what he was doing. Your friends are right when they say that with the right trainer next time you will "kill it, bro."

It is important that you at least do four of the above five if you want to be successful at being a shitty client. If you read this and think I am talking about you, you are probably right.  Just Sayin’.