Camp Crap

PREFACE: I have the authority to write the following sport-specific post for public consumption, due to the following factors...

1. I have actually played and coached the sport I’m about to discuss.
2. I can bench press more than I did for reps in 9th grade.
3. I’m capable of getting a job on my own merits.
4. I’m capable of not sucking at that job once I have it.

With that said, let’s discuss football.

Football Camp

This post is for any high school coach who’s currently away at camp—or any college coach who’s been there over the past few weeks. That situation is what I’m dealing with right now. As usual, it’s (not) very exciting. As I said to my good friend Jeff Moyer yesterday, although I love coaching, summer two-a-days kind of suck. I’d honestly rather be a player going through this shit than a coach. Having done both for years, it really is easier to just run around, get tired, hit people, and get yelled at. We all miss that, right?

That conversation got me to thinking about the thing that bothers me the most while we’re away at camp. It’s something we all have to do, and it should be more fun than it actually is, but the way the players handle it pisses me off. Simply stated, waking the kids up in the morning irritates the living shit out of me.

Every year, we go to this “reservation” in the middle of nowhere. This place has several grass practice fields, lots of hills to run, cabins for the kids to sleep in, and a main house with electricity and a kitchen for the coaches. For meals, we go to a main dining hall that has a kitchen staff. The food is surprisingly good, and we do all the typical camp crap like by making the kids sing, etc, etc.

Golf Carts and Megaphones

Since I’m probably the biggest prick on the staff, at least in the morning, it’s my job to drive around with the golf cart, a megaphone, and a stick ball bat (to bang on the walls of the cabins) at 6AM, waking the kids up. The more I do this, and the more years I do it, the more irritating it gets.


Because I find it mildly offensive that the kids think it’s easier for me to get out of bed than it is for them. I tell them this, too. If you’re a coach, I want you to think about this for a second. By the time I’m making my rounds on the golf cart, driving around and being a total asshole, I’ve showered, shaved, gotten dressed, and had a cup of coffee (using a paper towel as a filter, I might add). This means, in most cases, that I was up and moving a full hour before the kids are.

The Old Guy

I’ll let them know about this, too. Seriously? I’m a bona-fide “old guy” now. My back hurts, my knees hurt, and I have all kinds of real life shit to worry about outside of football. These kids? They should be able to roll out of bed ready to run, right? Shouldn’t they? Especially considering the fact that they have that extra hour to sleep after we’re already up and planning out how bad their day is going to be.

The point of this post?

You guys can totally steal this line of reasoning if you want. If you’re the dumb f--k that gets to go around waking the kids up for practice, tell them you’ve already been up for an hour, and that as a result, there’s going to be hell to pay for anyone who complains about the fact that it’s morning. After a couple of mornings with me, our guys have pretty much figured this out.

And, oh yeah, until you’ve actually been through this shit, try not to talk about football, okay?