elitefts™ Sunday Edition

How Powerlifting Gave Me Life after Child Sex Abuse

Penn State Scandal

In the wake of the Penn State scandal, the media reports allegations concerning Jerry Sandusky and Joe Paterno, who were or might have been involved, how long it went on, how many kids were abused, and what recourse should be taken. Sadly, you never hear about the victims and how the rest of their lives were affected by the men who were supposed to protect them. The abuse didn’t end when the perpetrators were caught and arrested. For most, the abuse will never end and the ones who are lucky enough to reach out and get help will hopefully see an end to the abuse for them one day or become better equipped to handle the aftermath. My thoughts, love, hope, and support goes out to each kid who was abused.

My physical abuse began at the age of eight and stopped around the age of 11 or 12. I’m not exactly sure, as I have very little memory of my childhood. Growing up, basketball was my life. It was a passion that I loved very much. All I could think about at school was going home to pick up a basketball and play games with the neighborhood kids. There was a man who lived in my neighborhood who took notice. He was a well-respected coach and seemingly knew a great deal about the game. In the beginning, he would come up to me as I was shooting around and give me pointers. He would show me how to work on my left handed lay-ups, left handed shots, and fade-aways around the basket to increase the chance of scoring and also critique my defense.

After a few months of him helping, he asked me to go with him to a local training facility where adults play, so I could get better playing against people who were bigger and better than I was. I graciously agreed. Anytime I had the chance to play basketball, I took it. There were countless nights when my younger neighbor, Alex, and I would play until four in the morning with nothing more than a spotlight shining on my backboard.

When it Began

It wasn’t long after our trips to the training facility began, that the physical abuse started. I’m not sure what initiated it, or what gave him the idea – like I said, my memory of all the events, minus a few, are non-existent. At first, I didn’t know how to process the abuse. It wasn’t something that I wanted, but figured it was normal. After all, an adult you know and trust would never take advantage of a young child. Perhaps in a perfect world, but not the one we live in. The abuse continued until the summer after my seventh grade year. Even though I don’t think I quite knew that what was going on wasn’t normal, I knew I no longer wanted any part of it. One of the very few things I remember is running out of the house for the very last time. Maybe I remember it because it was the first time I felt liberated and had the power to make my own decision? I don’t know, but I remember it like it happened a few hours ago.

It took another year before the effects settled in. I thought and felt differently than others. My self-esteem and self-worth went down the drain. Other kids sensed my vulnerability and began to bully me. Being bullied wasn’t as frequent as what other kids dealt with, but at that age and time in my life, it was all too frequent. This kept going until my senior year of high school when my depression, stress, and complete disregard to appreciating being in this world was at an all time high. There were nights I would go to bed, praying not to wake up the next morning.

I was very skinny in high school, weighing 130 pounds at six feet tall. I wanted nothing more than to be taken from this world; a world that I felt betrayed by. A world that I felt didn’t give a shit about me. My parents, sister, and extended family loved and cared a great deal about me, but I was numb to the feeling of love and care. Sadly, I partially still am today. I found ways to stay busy and decided to start lifting weights since I wanted to be stronger and build a suit of armor to protect myself from further damage.

Addicted to Iron

After a few months, I became addicted to the iron. I always ran to the nearby Kroger and picked up the latest Flex magazine to learn something new. Lifting weights didn’t erase my past, but it did eliminate it from my thought process for a few hours and that meant the world to me. As I became stronger, my self-esteem and self-worth increased, but my view of the world hadn’t changed.

I spent the last 10 years training my ass off in the gym and the last five years competing in the sport of powerlifting. My physical strength increased dramatically. In 2001, I was one of the weakest boys graduating high school and now I cannot think of anyone in my graduating class who is stronger than me. Each battle in the gym that I get through increases my confidence and the ability to know that I can accomplish my battles outside the gym and overcome anything I set my mind to. Once I decide on doing something, it’s done – the only thing left is for others to watch it happen. I had a friend over the summer talk about going to Europe and sightseeing, but wasn’t sure if she would or not. Things like this make little sense to me. If I feel something is important or I want to accomplish, I go out and do it. I make a decision and stay the course.

I can confidently say that if it wasn’t for powerlifting and music (music is also a huge part of my life because I could always relate to the anger and brutality in the sounds of metal), I wouldn't be here today. Both gave me the strength I needed to move past the wretched life I used to live. I was one of the lucky survivors that found a passion to lift me up and allow me to develop the mental strength in order to move forward. Many victims don't find that passion and unfortunately, some of those victims have removed themselves from this world

Serious Matter

Child sex abuse is a very serious matter. The extent of the effects are severe and damn near paralyzing. It changes how you view yourself, how you view the world, your friendships, relationships; it changes everything. There isn’t an hour that goes by when I don't think about what happened. I sometimes wonder how my life would be different if it never happened. Would I be married, have kids, have a career and be enjoying life? As contradicting as this may seem, I wouldn’t change anything. I have the greatest friends anyone could ask for and I'm fortunate to have them in my life. I gained a great deal of mental strength from the experiences I had to deal with. If for nothing else, it puts things into perspective. I remember a few years ago when I was pulled over, the cop that gave me the ticket was perplexed by how unfazed I was. He was used to people trying to get out of the ticket. I replied back, that if me getting a ticket is the worst thing that happens today, then it was a good day.

First Reason

This article was written for two reasons. First, elitefts™ gets hundreds of thousands, if not millions of hits every month, and out of that, who knows how many people are fighting the same battle I and many others are fighting. Perhaps if I read an article like this a few years ago, maybe I would've got the ball rolling instead of waiting until now? Many men do not know how to go about getting help. After all, we are “men” and “men” do not ask for help. This is wrong. Do not have this mentality. I used to think like that and felt that over time, everything would go away. It won't. Trust me. My first recommendation is to pick up a book and read it. Victims No Longer by Mike Lew is a great start, but beware, as it is brutal. If you have anyone that you trust and feel you can open up to as you read, do so. My anger would soar through the roof and I have the dents on the side of my refrigerator to prove it. It's a bitter pill to swallow when you find out your abilities in sustaining relationships, trusting people, openly expressing how you feel in a positive manner, showing emotions, and having faith in humanity, have been taken away. These are just a few of the common characteristics among CSA survivors. Second, I'd recommend talking to a therapist. You can go to MaleSurvivor.org to see a list of recommended therapists. MaleSurvivior.org also has a fantastic forum to read and ask questions regarding CSA. I fought with going to a therapist for a long time, but looked myself in the mirror one afternoon and called myself out on my own bullshit. If after 20 years nothing has changed, who am I to believe things will be any different the next 20 years? I have an enormous amount of inner rage that I need to rid myself of and I refuse to allow myself to continue to live like this. There's nothing wrong or weak about seeking therapy and learning how to move forward. I screwed up enough relationships in the past to know that not only does this effect me, but it effects those closest to me.

Second Reason

The second reason for me writing this is that it is my “coming out.” By coming out, I mean this was a secret for the past 20 years that less than a handful of people knew about. And the ones that do know, don't know any of the details because it's not the easiest topic to discuss. If you're a husband, wife, son, daughter, friend, or have any relationship to someone who was abused, just let them talk. Listening and showing support is all that will be asked of you. My family and closest friends have no idea what my childhood consisted of and it makes things very difficult when you feel that you have no one to open up to. Sometimes we're told that it’s in the past and we need to move on, but those words are said by people who have no idea on the effects of CSA. When someone told me that, I asked her to imagine leaving work one night, walking to her car, only to be brutally attacked and raped. Now imagine that happening once or twice a week for the next three years. How easy would it be to trust another person? How easy would it be to just move on as if nothing happened? You can’t. It’s humanly impossible. You have to come to terms and accept what happened, seek help, and know that you can move forward and lead a productive and healthy life.

If you lift weights to try and rid yourself of the anger and resentment towards a lewd act committed against you, then keep lifting weights, but also look at the deeper issue. Do it for yourself and your family. I read about how many families have been torn apart due to CSA and it deeply saddens me, but I also refuse to become a part of that statistic. I'm not married, but if I'm fortunate enough to one day have a family, I'll know for certain that I carry the tools to not allow CSA to impact my marriage.

Doing Nothing

A tragic thing happened to me when I was a kid and it would be even more tragic if I did nothing about it. It would be equally tragic for those who are suffering the same fate, did nothing about it either. Take a stand and tell yourself that you won't carry this burden any longer. We may not have full control over our future, but we at least have one hell of a say in where we go. You cannot continue to allow yourself to be paralyzed from the fear of moving forward with your life. Don't be afraid to fail. If you're afraid to fail, you won't push yourself to move past this. Trust and believe in yourself, and know that you can succeed in all aspects of life.

In closing, I'd like to thank my mom, dad, my sister Jaime, Brian Adams, Zach Fitzwater, T.K. Saunders, Stephen Bias, Chewy, Jim Wendler, Sean Donegan, and Will Ramsey. These people are like brothers and mean the world to me...and a reason why I am still here. Life is far from easy right now, but I'm very optimistic about the future because of the people I chose to surround myself with. I also want to thank God for helping me when I needed it most. Many prayers went unanswered, but the one I needed most, he gave. I am beyond grateful for finding the iron and the many lessons it taught me. I will forever be a part of training, getting stronger, and appreciating each and every lesson it teaches me.

“Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.” – Mahatma Ghandi