I flew into New York City on Wednesday from the great state of Indiana. The flight was fairly uneventful, except I sat next to two reasonably hot chicks, and not some 500 pound fatass that didn’t feel like he needed to pay for two seats. Surprisingly enough, neither chick wanted to talk to me. I didn’t know what their problem was…I’m pretty good looking. Just ask me if you don’t believe me. I’ll tell you. I’m pretty sure they were lesbians, but they wouldn’t answer me when I asked them. They may have been deaf, too.
The Angry Coach and his driver picked me up in typical New York fashion, that being that they were 40 minutes late. It wasn’t too bad, as I got to see some real big city-type stuff. Not really, but I did see a gang of Asian dudes say “motherf%*k” to old man who was working at airport security a half dozen times, and some NYPD officers got loud with some cabby, who, from the looks of him, didn’t understand a word they said. The highlight was probably the cabby who just repeatedly yelled the word “douchebag “out his window, over and over, for a good two minutes. Doesn’t sound like much, but say the word “douchebag” out loud. It doesn’t take long. Now do it for two minutes and only stop to reload your lungs for the next verbal assault. NOW you see how entertaining it was to behold. He eventually let off, and I honestly never did see whom the hell he was yelling at. Fortunately, after The Angry Coach and his driver picked me up, the rest of the night was pretty uneventful.
We left the Angry Coach’s place pretty early Thursday morning. That’s a total lie; it’s his mom’s place. She let us stay because he has an approximately 46-square foot apartment in the city that he can hardly sleep in by himself. Freddy Francisco, his driver, picked us up and we were on our way to AthElite. It’s Ben Tonon and Dave Cavalluzzo's gym located in Hawthorne, New Jersey. Thanks to the apparent lack of any sort of legal requirement, such as a license to drive in NYC, the 30-mile drive took approximately two hours and cost us just under $600 in tolls.
We managed to beat the photographer and his assistant there, which was surprising - at least to me. I’m never on time to much of anything. It took them a while to get set up. Then, it was time to get busy…or so I thought. On my first day working as a professional fitness model, I had no idea what to expect. It was pretty cool though, the photographer was kind enough to explain anything I had questions about. It was pretty apparent to everyone there I had no idea what the hell was going on.
I had no idea how long it would take either, or the amount of time it would take getting the right picture. I tried to make sure that he got me from my good side. However, as anyone who has met me will tell you, I don’t have a good side. They’re all awful.
I was under the impression that I was just going to be training, and that he would be taking pictures as I went along. Once again, WRONG. I did get to warm-up, and do everything I needed to do, but then I found out how they get the sweet pictures they have in the magazines. They’re fake. Not fake in the sense that the stuff isn’t being done, but they’re kind of posed. I did refuse on more than one occasion, to go all Matt Kroczalewski and open my mouth as wide as I can, as if a 225 pound squat is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Sorry Matt. It’s not that hard. Not for me!
The Angry Coach made sure to blow me enough shit while we were there to keep it entertaining. I thought that as Senior Editor of a major national magazine, he would be all business and get pissy at me for acting like a retard the whole time, but he didn’t. That was probably a good thing because I might have felt bad if I had to kick his ass at his own photoshoot. I’m kidding.
I did a little bit of training while I was there; I’m so much more than a pretty face. This included some squatting and doing some rack pulls and a little benching only so the Angry Coach could see how a man lifts. It’s unfortunate that I didn’t have the flip, because I had to do something that I literally hadn’t done in years and will probably NEVER EVER do again. I walked out a squat with a 7-foot Olympic bar. I gave fair warning to the Angry Coach that it was going to be one of the most disgusting things he has ever seen in a weightroom, bar none, and I didn’t disappoint. It was literally an hours worth of footage for Team Awful, and not one second of it was caught on tape. Dammit, such a waste! It was so bad that the photographer’s assistant actually asked the Angry Coach if it was safe. He has been lifting for seven months or so, if I remember correctly. How is that for awesome? As far as the squatting, I don’t remember what I worked up to, but I know it wasn’t a whole lot. Maybe like 800 or so…maybe a touch less.
Since my back still is a bit jacked up, we did some rack pulls instead of pulling from the floor. Surprisingly these went well. I didn't know how my back would react, but other than being a bit stiff, it gave me no problems. It was kind of funny, as the photographer, Matt, wanted me to do the Kroc faces. I told him the weights weren’t enough to do it, and I didn’t really know how to make faces. So we put some more weight on the bar. This happened 3 times. He got the shot he wanted, and I hit 675 for a double.
After the deadlifting, we were pretty much finished. Did some more stuff, but nothing related to lifting. He got some pretty cool shots. Apparently I do have the ability to look EXTREMELY creepy if need be. As if I didn’t know I had a sweet stalker stare anyway.
Probably one of the coolest parts of the day came after the pictures were almost done. Ben called the Angry Coach, and asked him if he thought I would be interested in speaking to the Bergen Catholic High School football team. For those of you who aren’t aware, Bergen Catholic has some ridiculous athletes on their team. Ever hear of a guy named Brian Cushing? He played for Ben and Dave for four years before making his way to USC and the Houston Texans. I’m sure the fact that Ben himself played for the Philadelphia Eagles had something to do with that as well. I’m still convinced you can’t coach something you have no idea how to do yourself. As a frame of reference, they played Don Bosco Prep within a touchdown last year. Don Bosco was the No. 1 high school team in the country last year. These dudes can play some football. It was great to get to talk to them for 20 minutes about my story, and the importance of focusing on today, because you have no idea what will happen tomorrow. I think they enjoyed it, as they all paid attention. You know how kids are. If they don’t care, they don’t listen.
In closing, I just want to take a second and say thanks to the Angry Coach for the hospitality, and the opportunity to make this happen. Thanks to Ben and Dave for letting us use the gym, and for letting me talk to their team while they were in the middle of a training session. I really appreciate all of it.