Lately, it seems that I’ve gotten a lot of questions and comments from people talking about how frustrating powerlifting is, and asking if it’s all worth it. They’re thinking about the dedication, sacrifice, stress and pain powerlifting can cause. I’m not exactly sure why these questions seem to come to me, but I think it’s because of the honesty in my training logs.
I try very hard to write about what I’m actually going through and doing, because I want people to be able to see what it really takes to make strength gains like the ones I’ve achieved. Most athletes always talk about their highs, while only rarely talking about their lows. In speaking with a lot of world class athletes, I’ve found that most of them have been through some pretty bad times physically, emotionally and with life in general – with work, family and financial issues. These things are very difficult to talk, or even write, about, so most of them never say much about it – especially to the general public.
As hard as it is for me to write about the bad times – letting the whole world know that things are getting to me – I feel like it’s an important part of the process that people need to hear about. I hope that it will help people to see that others go through the same things. Maybe this can even help them avoid some of those things. Still, this brings me back to all the questions asking whether it’s all worth it.
This question is one that I’ve honestly never really thought too much about. I get so focused on “the goal” that most of the time I just see everything as problems I have to overcome in order to get where I want. This isn’t to say that I don’t get frustrated and think about quitting, because I do at times. At my first Arnold Classic, I strained my back during the squat. I had never strained a muscle before, so that’s what I thought it was. Either way, something was wrong, and it shot down all hopes of winning the meet and putting up the all-time best total – which I honestly thought I had a chance to do.
I kind of lost it in the back and started spouting out shit like, “Why the @#$# do I do this sport?” and, “This @#$% sport sucks!” At that moment, all I could think about was all the training, sacrifice and energy I’d put into this sport, only to have some shit-ass accident screw everything up.
A couple of days later, I had already started new plans to rehab my back and get ready for my next meet. Every now and then, I’ll go through little bouts like that when I have a bad day in the gym. Sometimes, I get all pissed like that when I think an injury is healed and I tweak it going for something heavy.
It wasn’t until recently, though, that I really thought about quitting. With all the problems I’d been having lately and the last few meets completely sucking, I started asking myself if it was all worth it. At my last powerlifting meet, I’d lost my mental edge and my focus. To me, that’s my greatest strength, and to lose it meant that something was seriously wrong. I thought maybe this was it, that I’d pushed myself as far as I could go and found the limit of my body. I was so frustrated that I couldn’t see a way to make it work with all my problems, but I knew I had to take some time off for a while, either way.
After a short time, I realized that all the thoughts of quitting – or my body being limited out – were bullshit. I knew I still had more – lots more – and I was not ready to give up on my goal. I knew I just needed to find a new and better way to achieve it. In short, the few times I did ask myself if it was worth it were only when I was down or frustrated. By the time I felt a little better, I was already back to thinking about how I would go about reaching my goals.
If I’m going to attempt to fully answer the question of whether it’s all worth it, I think I should split it up into the positives and negatives of powerlifting for me. I don’t like to focus on negatives, so I’ll get those out of the way first. The biggest issue for me is sleep, but that’s a problem I had a long time before I ever started powerlifting. I’d say that the apnea portion of my sleep is definitely because of my size – which is related to my powerlifting. The CPAP easily takes care of this problem, and although it’s sometimes a pain in the ass – yeah, I know, it goes on your face – it’s not too hard to get used to. My other sleep problems are affected by the intensity of my training and how hard I push myself, but they’d still be there, to some extent, even without lifting.
My ups and downs of emotional states – related to depression and suicide – are related to my sleep problems. Like my sleep problems, I’ve had these my whole life, but their intensity seems to increase with the level of my training and how hard I push my body. Basically, I will have these problems whether I train or not, just in differing levels of intensity. I feel that I should eventually be able to find a balance where I can train at the highest level without pushing myself over the edge. When I do push over the edge, my training stops making real progress, so I need to learn to go to the edge, then stay there without going over. Even if it means the intensity isn’t as high as I’d like it to be, it’ll be more productive and will decrease, or even eliminate, some of these problems.
Next, I’ll move on to some of the sacrifices I make to compete at this level. I’ve kept a job I really hate just because they’ve been willing to work with my training and meet schedule. Although I hate this job, I think my mentality is such that I’ll never really be happy working for someone else. I do hope to eventually find a way to make a living through lifting. So, even if I went to find a new job, I’d probably make more money, but I don’t think I’d be any happier with it.
I sacrifice a lot of time to powerlifting. This is time with family and friends. I’m lucky in the fact that most of my friends are very understanding and respectful of my powerlifting. They understand the time I have to put into lifting, and they’re just glad to spend time with me when we can get together. I usually try not to make any friends that don’t understand what I do. This isn’t a problem for me because I have tons of friends the way it is. It does really upset me, however, that I don’t get to spend enough time with my niece and nephew. I love them more than anything, and I want to be a big, positive part of their lives. I’ve spent a lot of time wondering whether I should quit lifting at this level just because I want to spend more time with them. I’ve come to the conclusion, however, that it’s better for me to set a good example about hard work and dedication – that if you want something, you have to go get it, and that you can achieve whatever you want. I’m still trying to modify my schedule to spend more time with them, but I do feel that training at this level and achieving success will be the best thing I can do for their futures.
Over the last eight years, I’ve sacrificed both material items and hobbies for powerlifting. I’ve sold cars and motorcycles in order to have money to get to meets and to spend on training. I’m lucky to still have one motorcycle and my quad, but I rarely get to use them because of training. Most of my time is spent on training, answering emails, writing articles and trying to figure out a way to make a living through lifting. When I get some free time, I’m usually so tired that all I want to do is sit and stare at the TV.
Looking back, I’m not really that upset about losing my stuff. At the time, it sucked to have had to get rid of it, but it’s all material stuff I’d saved up to buy. I can always do that again. For a long time it didn’t really bother me that I wasn’t getting to ride much, but it’s been pissing me off lately. This may actually be a good thing because I’m getting to the point where I think I need to step back a bit and do some things that get my mind off lifting for a little while. I’ll be trying to make more time for my hobbies, and this will hopefully clear my head a bit.
Injuries are an all-too-common part of being a powerlifter. I can’t remember the last time I was completely injury-free. Luckily, most of my injuries have been minor, except for my hip-glute problem that I’ve had since my first 800 lb squat. This is a recurring problem that has been a major limiting factor in my lifting. I haven’t been able to pull a deadlift without pain since the initial injury. I’m still pretty lucky with injuries, though, and I’ve had some really nasty falls that I was able to walk away from. I don’t really look at the injuries as that much of a negative, because I think powerlifting has actually saved me from other injuries.
I have a very bad addiction to speed, and powerlifting is one of the things that helps control that. I decided to sell my fastest motorcycle – the one on which I would often be doing well over 160 MPH on, sometimes just a hair under 200 MPH. When I ride my quad, it’s always in my head that if I wreck too badly it’ll effect my lifting, so it slows me down a bit. Whether I’m lifting or not, I figure I’d end up with injuries either way.
Powerlifting has brought me many, many positives. One of the first ones that comes to mind has to do with the people I’ve met. My phone and email contacts lists are insanely long. I have good friends all over the world, and I’ve formed relationships that I’ll keep for the rest of my life, whether or not I’m powerlifting. Some of the closest friends I have right now are people I’ve met through powerlifting. These relationships mean a great deal to me, and if it wasn’t for powerlifting, I may not have ever met these people.
Powerlifting has given me a lot of pride because of my achievements in the sport. I’m not necessarily talking about the numbers I’ve hit – more about pushing myself to the limit and knowing I’ve given everything I’ve had to one thing. Don’t get me wrong – the numbers I’ve achieved are great, and I’m really proud of them, but I’m more proud of knowing how much I put into the sport and never gave up. I’m fortunate enough to be able to compete at a very high level, and I’m always striving to put up the all-time best total, but in reality, I’m only competing with myself to do the best I can. From the beginning, this has always been about getting better and doing what I’m capable of. This is usually a bit of a struggle for me, because I always think I’m capable of more, but when I look back, I know I gave everything to get where I am. That makes me proud. At the same time, I’m still looking to meet new goals in the future.
Over the last eight years, powerlifting has given me focus. I’m a very driven and goal-oriented person. Without something to focus on, I go crazy and feel lost. I need to know what direction I’m going, and I need a set goal of what I want to achieve. Before powerlifting, I just kind of wandered around like the rest of the population. My goal was to get to the next weekend to spend my money drinking. This was completely useless, and after enough time, I realized how stupid it was. I started spending my money on some of things I enjoyed most in the world – motorcycles and cars – but I eventually figured this wasn’t creating much of a future for me, and I was still looking for something else.
I started a small business that was doing okay, but because of some EPA restrictions, I decided to close it. It was around that time that I found powerlifting. This was exactly what I was looking for, and I immediately fell in love with it. I loved the training, the discipline, the learning and especially the competition. Powerlifting was something I could set goals for, and something on which I wanted to focus my energy. Every day, I knew what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go, and what I had to do to get there. It gave me direction.
At first, it was just about getting stronger, but later, it also became about finding a way to make a living doing what I was passionate about. I’ve been gradually working on just that, while still having training as my main focus. Now I have a couple of small business ideas involving powerlifting and photography. I was introduced to photography by someone I met through powerlifting. These are business ideas I still have trouble finding time to fully work on because I’m always busy with training and everything, but they’re moving forward and they’re ideas I’m very passionate about. Right now, I’m trying to find a way to balance everything so that all my focus points keep progressing to where I want them. I know that I’m moving ahead every day and getting closer to where I want to be. This is something that I really needed in my life, and it’s all because of powerlifting.
In my opinion, too many people just stroll through life, never testing themselves or pushing themselves to see what they’re truly capable of. This is good for the soul. It satisfies something deep down inside of us. It’s not about whether you win or not – it’s about the journey. It’s about testing yourself and discovering things about yourself. It’s about breaking through barriers and pushing yourself to see how far you can go. It’s about picking yourself up after an injury and coming back stronger. It’s about never giving up when things are bad. It’s about trying to get the absolute best out of yourself. These are all things that powerlifting has given me. This sport has taught me an incredible amount of stuff about myself, and it’s made me a better person.
So, back to the original question: was it all worth it? I must admit that on a bad day where everything seems to be going wrong, I feel like complete shit and I’m thinking more with my messed-up emotions at the time than with my head, I may say no, but I’d be wrong. The answer is that it was most definitely worth it, and I’d do it all again. If I could keep the knowledge I have now, I’d do it a little differently training-wise, but I’d do it all again. I’m very happy with the person I’ve become, and I attribute a lot of that to the experiences I’ve been through since I started powerlifting.
I would have to say that I didn’t grow very much in the seven years before powerlifting, where I was just walking through life, but I’ve grown a tremendous amount over the last eight years since I’ve been competing. A few months ago, I ran into a nurse that I worked with in college. She lives down the street from my parents, and I’d see her every now and then after I quit doing the physical therapy stuff. She has a son that always called me Superman because of my strength, and a cool little girl who has Down’s syndrome. When I ran into her – she was with her daughter and husband, with whom I always got along – we got to talking.
After a while, she said that I grew up to be a really good man. This threw me off, and I said I was just the same guy I was back in college when we’d first met. She insisted that I wasn’t, and that she was proud of me. She is a pretty tough woman, and very stubborn, so I figured I’d better just take the compliment. I’m still not all that sure, but I must be doing something right, and it was cool of her to say that.
So, along with making me a better person, powerlifting has given me many close friends, a lot of great experiences, many fond memories, focus in my life, goals to shoot for, avenues to start a business, knowledge about myself, and great pride. Pride in what I’ve accomplished in working through the problems I have to get the numbers I’ve put up. Pride in knowing that my niece and nephew have seen me accomplish something impressive and hope that they’ll us it to motivate themselves to accomplish something. Pride when I hear my friends and family talk about me. Pride when I get an email from someone saying that I inspire them.
There have definitely been some bad times I’ve had to go through, and some bad things have happened because of powerlifting, but I think those things are all part of the learning process. The good still outweighs the bad for me.
SO YES, IT WAS, AND IS, UNDOUBTEDLY WORTH IT.