Well, it’s been a long time coming, but the meet was finally here. I hadn’t competed since May, and was ready to get under a bar again. I was headed to was the IPA Nationals in York, PA. It was a short 8-hour drive one way. I know that sounds bad, but I was absolutely elated that I wouldn’t have to spend one second driving on I-80. If any of you have ever driven on it, you know exactly what I’m talking about. It's approximately 500,000 miles long and completely crosses the state of Pennsylvania...about 300 times. There is, I’m sure of it, some circle of hell that is merely driving on I-80 for 20 hours a day.

Brandon and I took off on Friday at about 11AM. Rolling in the rental, we started on our way. Much to our chagrin, we didn’t see any zoo animals as we drove through Zanesville. We did, however, see some land whales, about six of them, slammed into what looked to be a 1984 Toyota Tercel. It made me want to buy one, to be honest. Any kind of vehicle that can withstand that kind of loading for that long is solid in my book. Other than that, the ride was pretty uneventful until we got to the state line, and saw a sign that said “Welcome to Pennsylvania, The Construction State.” About 300 miles of cone zones and 45mph speed limits later, we arrived in York. The highlight of the trip out was watching two girls fist-fighting IN THE CAR in the turn lane. They were beating each other senseless. I seriously haven’t seen an ass-kicking like that since the Franklin-Silva fight. The lowlight was both of them jumping out and running off, leaving the car, and having to wait eons to get back into traffic. Once we finally were able to get back on the road, we were able to arrive safely at the meet hotel...where they were having a COUGAR CONVENTION. Swear on my life. We had people to do and things to see, so we didn’t make it over. For too long, anyway.

Saturday was pretty uneventful, as we spent most of the day lying around the hotel being bums. For those of you who don’t know me, I excel at this. We watched a lot of football, and ate like beasts, and managed to find the worst Chinese buffet I’ve ever been to in my life. I headed over to the meet site at about 7:30 and weighed in. I was light, very light. A mere 288.5 pounds. My training weight was between 300-310 pounds depending on how awesome I ate the day before, and I have no idea how this happened, but it did. Had I known I was that awful, I would have laid off of the food and went down to 275. Oh well, time to GFH. The rest of the night was pretty entertaining, lots of eating and drinking and making fun of fat awful people.

Sunday we got up, checked out of the hotel, and headed over to the meet site. First thing I did was jump on the scale. 296.5 I managed to bloat up eight pounds in less than 12 hours. Below is how I managed to do that.

MASTER OF RETENTION DIET:

  • 3 movie-size boxes of Mike & Ikes
  • 1-pound bag of Chex mix
  • 1 gallon of Gatorade mixed with electrolytes I borrowed from my horse. These taste like death.
  • 1 box of tasty cakes
  • Another gallon of Gatorade
  • ½ gallon of water
  • 1 small bag of salt and vinegar potato chips
  • 4 donuts from Dunkin Donuts
  • 1 quart of chocolate milk
  • 18 wings, fries, ranch, and cheese sauce from hooters
  • 6 cokes
  • 2 Finibars
  • Salt added to almost everything

Aside from the feeling that my stomach was going to explode, and pissing every 11 minutes, I managed to retain a lot of what I took in. I was looking very much like an Asian Barney, and felt pretty good.

The meet Sunday had 40 lifters, broken down into two flights, with a bench flight thrown in for good measure. I was in the second flight, so I had some time, or so I thought. My hat is off to Mark and Ellen Challiet. They ran an awesome meet. It was very smooth, and actually went pretty quickly. I started warming up to squat when the guys in the first flight were taking their firsts.

Squat

  • Bar x 5
  • 155 x 5
  • 245 x3
  • 315 x 1 (add 46 Jack Briefs after)
  • 465 x 1 (add 54 Jack Suit after)
  • 545 x 1
  • 730 x 1

My opener was 810 pounds and I got with 3 whites. I was in the meet! I had no idea what to take for my second attempt, and Brandon called for 925 pounds. This would be a 5 pound PR. I took it out of the racks fine, and realized that I was bent over like Steve Goggins in the bottom of a squat. I called for the rack, and had them move it up two holes. I took it out again, they ran the rack, and almost knocked me over. The bar hadn’t cleared the rack. Rather than jackassing around, I passed and decided to take it again for a third attempt. The third attempt came out of the rack probably the best out of the three attempts. It felt light on my back, and I was pretty excited about how it was going to go. I took it down well, got to the bottom, AND SHIFTED EVERYTHING FORWARD LIKE AN IDIOT. Not surprisingly, my Stephen Hawking quads couldn’t hold it and it was mercifully pulled off of my back before it drove me through the floor of the platform. I wound up with 810 pounds. This was a NEGATIVE 110-pound PR. To be honest, I was happy with it. My training cycle, squat-wise, was absolutely atrocious. In the days prior to driving over, I had no idea if I would even get one in. I managed to, and was happy with that. This wasn't my best day by far, but it was enough for me.

Bench

My benching was pretty solid. I managed to demolish my elbow, so I only took an opener. Special thanks to Dave Kirschen and Paper here, as not only did I manage to forget my singlet, Brandon got stuck in some sort of time warp at Wendy's grabbing lunch and missed all of the benches. No problem. Dave hooked me up with a singlet that made my junk look HUGE, and Mike handed me my warmups. They went like this:

  • 135 x 1

My opener was 250 pounds. It felt fine. I paused it, pressed it, and during the movement, I heard and felt three loud pops from my junk elbow. I wasn’t worried, because I’ve got insurance, but in the vein of not tempting the fates, I passed on my second and thirdattempts. It probably had something to do with the numbness that was now in my hand. Whoops! Oh well...

My deadlifts started quickly after the benches. I was ready to pull, and it seemed to have gone pretty well for me the whole cycle. My warm-ups were more of the same

  • 145 x 3
  • 345 x 1
  • 545 x 1

My opener was 710 pounds. It should've been easy, right? WRONG. It came off of the floor fast, and when I got close to the top, it popped out of my hands. I can now say from experience that missing your opening deadlift because of grip issues is NOT a big booster for your confidence. Knowing this, I did what any other idiot would do and called for 15 more pounds on my second attempt for 725 pounds. This was also a 15-pound PR for me, and I hit it pretty well. I was pretty excited about it, as the first two lifts had been a total bust. However, I didn’t feel bad about the previous two lifts, and still don’t. I managed to total 1765 pounds, which I’m pretty sure would give me a pro total at 114...if I lifted raw and was a woman. Looks like I’ve got some work to do between now and March – and I like that.

I don’t have any excuses. I just had a shitty meet. That's how it goes sometimes. I was excited that I didn’t bomb out, but that’s about it for highlights from the weekend as far as lifting goes. I honestly had a very, very good time otherwise although it's frustrating knowing what kind of weight I left on the platform. It was also nice to kind of get away from school, work, and just spend two days doing whatever I wanted to. It was awesome to get to see some people that I hadn’t had a chance to see or hang out with in a long time. After we left, we stopped at a BK to find out they were closed at 7PM. We ended up eating at one of those combo Taco Bell/KFC joints. I housed a 7-piece family meal, some diuretics, and three Pepsi bottles. Then, we started back. A very uneventful trip, except for stopping every 25 miles so I could piss. I fell asleep and Brandon almost ran us into a bridge piling literally a mile or so from the house. Thanks Brandon!

I would also like to say thanks to Dave, and everyone at elitefts™. Even though I've been on the site for a while now, I still really appreciate the opportunities and exposure that the site has given me. Thanks to the guys on the team who texted and called and heckled me for having a shit meet. Sounds bad, but it helps keep me grounded. Also, I want to say thanks to the guys at the compound, my training partners, for helping me out with coaching and sticking around to help me out even after they were done. It is much appreciated. Thanks to the guys at Biotest for sending the awesome supplements month after month. It’s greatly appreciated. Finally, thanks to you guys who read my log and send in questions. I appreciate it more than you know, and apologize for not keeping up with it like I could. I’m fixing that too.