A College Football Rant from the New Guy

TAGS: college football, Zach Nicolay, ohio state, collegiate

Who doesn’t love college football? The energy is unmatched, the fans are as die hard as they come, and we get to watch tomorrow’s NFL stars rise, fall, succeed, crash and burn, or get arrested for criminal possession of a firearm.

In case you didn’t know, EliteFTS is located in London, Ohio. Yes, right by Columbus, and right in the middle of Buckeye country. As the title says, I’m the new guy, and I moved out here to work for EFS not realizing the religious adherence to everything Ohio State-related. I mean, I knew it was pretty serious, but it’s like a cult! Every time I forget to call it The Ohio State University I get a bunch of raised eyebrows and people instantly know I’m not from around here. In the grocery store, I’m constantly afraid that someone is going to shank me with a carrot for not wearing scarlet on game day. I’ve got to wonder if the cops see my out of state plates and go after me.

I'll give it to you straight: I like the Badgers. I’ll probably get my name on a few hit lists for saying this, but I thoroughly enjoyed watching Wisconsin take Ohio State out behind the woodshed and lay into them. I like Wisconsin because of my roots, but also because of their style. You see, so many teams in college are gimmick teams -running the spread and whatnot- but not Wisconsin. There are no gimmicks in Wisconsin; they play real football. The bullies on the offensive line grind out yards with tough halfbacks John Clay and James White, and a stout defensive line led by JJ Watt makes opposing quarterbacks wish they hadn’t been born.

And Ohio State, well… they’d be a hard team to like even if I wasn’t a fan of another Big Ten school. Their excessive-to-the-point-of-cultish school pride makes me wonder if there isn’t a crowd of 50,000 undergrads chanting the fight song while bowing to a shrine of Terrelle Pryor every morning. I know that you tough-as-nails EliteFTS readers probably don’t care what a men's fashion magazine like GQ says, but I just want to let it be known that Ohio State ranked #19 on the list of “America’s 25 Douchiest Colleges.”

I don't know if the author of that piece has since been tarred and feathered, but according to his rankings, Ohio State is douchier than Virginia and Texas, but less douchy than USC, Notre Dame, Harvard, and Duke. I think he ranked them correctly. Ugh, just hearing those names -USC and Duke especially- makes me want to projectile vomit, which would be bad because I don’t see Dave buying me a new computer if I ruin mine with puke.

Here’s a mini rant for each of those schools:

USC- “Hey, I go to USC and you don't. I’m rich and surrounded by beautiful surgically enhanced women. Reggie Bush was the best ever. Shine my shoes, peasant!”  That’s how I envision all the students there.

Notre Dame- All I have to say about ND is that Jimmy Clausen went to this school. He was a grade-A punk and they practically canonized the kid.

Harvard- Wait... Harvard has a football team? I think to get into Harvard you must have a Swiss bank account, your parents have to make 7 figures, and you’ve got to present documentation of a blood relation to a former President. I couldn't find proof of that on the admissions website, but trust me on this.

Duke- No one likes Duke. It's natural. Everyone is born with the instinct to hate everything about Duke. "Oh, but they're good at basketb-" NO ONE CARES!

Everyone's got their opinions about college football. I still love Tim Tebow, I think Boise State is overrated, I hate Nick Saban, and I think Trent Richardson is a better halfback than Mark Ingram. As you can see, I've got mine. If you read the Q&A, you know that Matt Rhodes has plenty of opinions of his own. What are yours? If you've got some love -or hate- that you need to get off your chest, share it in the comments. I didn't even talk about the latest rankings! Please, share your thoughts, rants, and vitriol.

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