Trying to BLOAT

TAGS: water gain, bloat, clint darden, weight loss

Well, I don't want to know how much water I've lost this week, either one end or the other. I've spent nearly ALL day, every day asleep except for when I went to pick my son up from school. I'm lucky, he has been an angel for me while I've been sick.

Thursday I was sick all morning, sick before and after squats, picked up my son from school and then sat in my chair as my son played. Then I began bear hugging my trash can and making horrible noises as I puked over and over and over. My son comes out from his play room to put his two-year-old (nearly 3) hand on my shoulder and say "Are you OK Qwiint? It's OK."

So, I'm currently loaded up on a large mixture of medication to help me feel better. Librium stuff, anti-inflammatory for my intestines, anti-nausea injections, phenergan tablets for nausea, Xanax (slows down the intestines), super Imodium, electrolytes, etc...

Saturday I again slept nearly 12 hours and still woke up tired, but I keep thinking 816. There's no way I'm going to pull three's on Sunday if I'm small and weak - that will throw off my 816 to come. In fact, I risk getting seriously injured if I'm not full and bloated for deadlifts. So, my son and I head out into the Monsoon to get bloat products.

  1. Eggs: I'm thinking I'll use these to help make the meatloaf I'll make stick together.
  2. Yogurt: Add to any protein shake for extra calories.
  3. Lemon Soda: Increases speed on all lifts.
  4. Orange Soda: Increases squat strength and all hip power. Also increases core strength.
  5. Salt and Vinegar Chips: Helps to increase the water bloat and solid carbs as well. It is best to drink these with another drink which also has lots of salts and not as many calories.
  6. McDonalds: BigMac-A-Bol and Double Cheeseburger-V with Fries has been proven time and time again not only to pack on the pounds, increase testosterone (and cholesterol, almost testosterone), but it also stays alive A LONG FREAKING TIME!
  7. Vimto: Berry fruit flavored drink I mix with ice water so I can get down a couple gallons a day. Besides, your body has to have "water" going in before it can hold it.
  8. Lime: I mix this with the Vimto.
  9. Ketchup: Since not all my meals taste good, I add ketchup.
  10. Milk: It is Strong(er) than water in your protein shakes.
  11. Cottage Cheese: No bedtime meal is complete without a cup.
  12. Bananas: Add to protein shakes for more good carbs.
  13. Canned Peas and Carrots: Add to my DadHelper meals so I have vegetables in my diet.
  14. IsoTonic Drinks: Drink these to help get some electrolytes back in. I'm actually adding powdered electrolytes to it to help me even more.
  15. Baby Wipes: If you have to ask, you wouldn't understand or want to know.
  16. Fresh Cream: Adds good calories and protein to DadHelper meals.
  17. Condensed Soup: Add to DadHelper meals to thicken it up, add flavor, and lots of sodium.
  18. Soy Sauce: Again, adds flavor and sodium. Bigger bloat. Decent on BigMac's and to dip your fries in. Add to ketchup if needed.
  19. Baby Powder: Again, if you have to ask, then you don't really want to know.
  20. Conditioner: It helps to soften the beard. Everyone knows that a happy beard is a good beard and a good beard leads to a bigger squat, deadlift, bench press, and log press.
  21. Tuna: As soon as I can get the taste of tuna flavored puke out of my mouth, it is about the cheapest protein source out there.
  22. Ground Pork: Well, ground beef is out of the question here.
  23. Pasta: A core part of DadHelper.

Tips

Tip 1: The smaller the pasta, the easier it is to shovel it in your mouth with a spoon.
Tip 2: Put your mouth up to the edge of the plate when you shove it into your mouth for maximum consumption.
Tip 3: Breathe out before you shovel it in and breathe in as you shovel the pasta into your mouth.
Tip 4: Add other foods to the pasta (cottage cheese, sweet potatoes, "vegetables,"ground beef/pork, tuna etc...so that it will go inside the pasta and you get more calories (and added nutrition) per shovel.

Anyway, I do feel very bad and I'm sore all over from all the injections, but I'm just happy to have the ability to train Sunday morning. Good or bad, I will have a deadlift bar in my hand. 140 x 3 or 711 x 3 (as planned), something will happen before I get home.

I've gone from my wedding ring falling off my finger this morning to it getting close to impossible to take it off. I have three more hours before bed so I'm going to try my best. You know...in the name of love, beards, deadlifts, and all those bloating today.

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