A log far personal than I probably will ever share, and as I sit down to write this, I'm not totally sure I will even post, but if you're reading this, I've posted it...so let's get to it.
I am sitting here in my bed for the first time since last July, only the last time I was in this specific bed, I laid with my most favorite human of all time...which brings great sadness for me to think about, but am grateful for growth, so I will not dwell. You see, last July I moved out of my apartment that I was in for only 2 months and back home, and I gave the bed to my brother, leaving me with a twin, in my childlike room...painted pink with green polka dots. (My room has recently been painted, thank god.) Anyway, back to the point, I'm sitting here and literally just texted my bestfriend Nicole because I couldn't help but think about how happy I am. She asked why, and I had to sit for a minute. Why.
I have posted about it before, but I do not question the timing of events in my life. And while I wouldn't call myself a religious person, I am certainly spiritual, and I feel like I am tuning into that side of myself more....which I've never done. So I want to take you through a tiny snapshot of what has been my life, and then I will explain why I think God put me on this path...and more importantly why I'm so "happy"
May 2016: Left a toxic relationship, moved into an apartment, met a wonderful human whom I cared for so much.
June /July 2016: mostly just inner conflict and struggle. Moved out of my apartment & began 80% living at my new significant others home.
August 2016: Trip to california, inner conflict and struggle.
September 2016: Did some shitty things, made some really poor decisions, hurt the ones I loved the most & decided to leave the relationship I was in. Lost the ability to train like a powerlifter/ train at all.
October - December 2016: Quite possibly the most rough of months I have gone through to date. Conflict, the most conflict. Followed by more poor choices and bad judgement. Anxiety was climbing and I was trying to push through, literally grasping at anything and everything trying to figure it out. I also began therapy in October. December I had a moment of clarity and was able to close the door on some things that were lingering. - all of that, coupled with my Dad spending Christmas Eve in the hospital and having some major heart stuff going on.
January - April 2017: Chaos within, while I tried to get back what I had lost. Navigating how to be a better me. Letting go of what I cannot control. Spent TONS of time alone and just trying to figure out what I want and who I am. Anxiety, so much anxiety. Crying. I think I cried at least every other day, if not multiple times PER day. i hung on for dear life to the situations I had previously let go, only to find that they weren't coming back. But lets go back for a second, because in January I gave up the idea of me being a powerlifter or identifying with the term, and I would say this is crucial to my growth. I let go of all expectations. And so, much like how I let that go, because I could not control what was happening with my body, I let go of a situation that was no longer serving me in a positive way.
When you are constantly fighting for other people who do not choose you, well 1. you're not respecting yourself and 2. you must not know your worth. I had never known vulnerability, at least not in the sense of it being part of my identity as a human. Maybe it came in waves, but it wasnt something I could actively just do, because I fight it every step of the way. And so, when you become vulnerable, you feel ALL of the things. Do you know what it's like, to finally let yourself feel? Because it is a fucking hurricane, and it just hits you so hard. It hit me, and it hit me hard for MONTHS. And as the months went on it got more intense, but when I let the things go, it's as if the clouds had lifted.
A friend told me while I was going through things that the pain of letting go is worse at first, and god was it ever awful in regards to lifting and in relationships, BUT it is better to let it go and feel the pain and have it come intermittently in the future, than to have to live with that pain every single day, all day. She was right, 100% right. And so with a particular situation, I legitimately could not eat for a week, would wake up in the middle of the night crying, wouldn't get out of bed, etc. But you know, that passed, and the days went on, and though I find myself still upset often...it doesn't last forever. It passes. And that pain lets me continue to feel things and keeps me feeling human. I've felt closed off for so long, and I'm finally not....well relatively, I'm still me at the end of the day. But back to why I'm so happy...
Happy for the woman I'm becoming. Happy to recognize when I don't like the way someone treats me and being able to navigate those situations in a way where I can let go of them or simply mitigate them appropriately. Happiest to be under the bar again, but this time just for me. I believe that God stripped me of all things when I needed it, and he is replacing the struggle and heartache with the good, one at a time, as I am ready. No sooner.
And so, if you have an injury that's keeping you out of the gym, GO DO SOMETHING ELSE. Do not dwell. The barbell will always be there, always. Go pick up a new hobby - I freaking love pottery. You have tons of extra time - go pick up a part time job to keep you busy. I did and it's the most challenging yet rewarding thing ever. Build better relationships with your family and friends. If you've lost a relationship, instead of trying to find a rebound, just work on your damn self - I promise you will learn way more about yourself being alone and sitting and dealing with the loss than you ever will from trying to find a rebound or sleeping with a billion people.
A year ago I was Tarra Oravec, Powerlifter, Social Worker. Today I am Tarra Oravec - Social Worker, Therapist, Traveler, Daughter, Sister, Friend, Pottery Lover, Regular Gym Goer, Adventurer, and I could go on and on and on and it sounds really corny, but what do you identify with? Because a year ago I didn't know what I liked, who I was, what I wanted, what was important to me. I say these things because I know that I cannot be the only person to ever be in these situations or feel these things. Being open and vulnerable is okay, letting yourself feel is okay, sharing those things with others is okay.
I get to the gym when I can, and I have fun doing it. I follow a diet, relatively, but I don't hate myself for that donut I ate this morning. I do have short term goals for my weight, and an ultimate goal, but they're not set in stone and may change from week to week or month to month...because I'm gonna do whatever the hell I feel like. I'm squatting again, but I have no expectations. I have no plans to deadlift until my PT says I can. I have no current plans of ever competing again, but that may change as time goes on (I'd be lying if I said the thought hasn't crossed my mind as I continue to heal and progress) I've tossed around the idea of USAPL as I start from scratch and rebuild myself in an entirely new way, also with no intentions of ever putting knee wraps back on. But those are just some things that have passed through my mind at certain times, again....it all can change.
Plans are good, but I have learned life doesn't give a shit about the plan you have. So, be adaptable, and be able to change and grow with whatever life throws at you.
I'm happiest because I finally feel like me, whoever that person is. I don't even recognize the girl I was 12 months ago. I'm not proud of the things she's done and the people she has hurt, but I'm grateful to have had her. I spent a long time hating myself because of the decisions I've made. Having compassion for yourself, patience, and understanding is not an easy task, even when you practice it daily for others. I no longer hate that girl for the mistakes she's made, but rather appreciate her for all she has taught me and all that I am becoming.
Side Note: I feel like I have a lot more to offer in terms of life lessons, dating, relationships, and just general day to day shit, so I may start a personal blog of sorts in the future...because I actually really love writing more than I ever realized.