I was talking with someone last night and they said, "Why do you do this, why do you like to stay stagnant?" Well, first of all, I'm not sure anyone really enjoys staying stagnant. Second, what appears as stagnant or lack of progress to one person, can be GIANT steps for another. It's all a matter of opinion. Just like you can view something or interpret something one way, and someone can view it the complete opposite. Our environments, experiences, family...you know...culture, are a large part of what shape who we are. I think the human psyche is seriously fascinating. Why do we do the things we do? Why are we this way?
And when I look back on 2016 and all that I have accomplished, I would say that I've been anything but stagnant. I've been in constant motion, sometimes more than others, sometimes evolving more than others. But, nonetheless, I've been changing and growing. 2016 brought me a lot of heartache, and when I say a lot, I mean it, like a whole bunch of heartache. Some of this was prolonged by me, some of the time I spent in denial, some of it was honestly my own damn fault. I lost not one, but two of my bestfriends. When I say lost, I don't mean that they died. I mean, I suffered a loss, like death, but no, they are very much alive. I lost my ability (temporarily) to participate in the sport I hold dear to my heart. I lost my confidence, I lost my purpose, and honestly, I spent a giant part of this year trying to figure out just who the hell I am.
Someone told me a few weeks ago that my life was a mess and for a second I believed it. Like wow Tarra, you are really messing up. And then, I thought about it some more and I was like wait a damn minute. I'm 24. I have a Master's Degree, a career, I pay my own bills, I have awesome friends, a supportive family...and I mean really, is my life a mess? Is this what people define as a mess? Sure, I don't have everything together, but you know, who the hell does? I am constantly growing and changing and trying to better myself as an individual and a professional. And when I look back at 2016, while it has quite possibly been the hardest year for me in my adult life, I have learned so much about myself and I've accomplished quite a bit.
If there's anything I'm proud of about this year it's been gaining independence. Making decisions for myself, not being afraid to change my mind, figuring out what I like, etc. I don't fear change as much as I used to. Yes, you will lose people and things along the way, but in the end you will gain way more than you ever lost.
Let go of the things that hurt you, the things that bring you down. 2016 was full of learning and lessons and growing. I look to 2017 to be the year where I get to take all of the time and energy I have spent on building myself, and use it to show myself what I am made of. Every year until 2016 I had gotten physically stronger, and I mean, I made leaps in 3 short years. But 2016 was a time to focus on my mentality, myself as a whole, not just a lifter or a student. Not compartmentalizing myself and my life, but trying to live one "whole" life. I struggled with that. I've often separated Tarra the athlete, the student, the daughter, the girlfriend, etc. I want to be the same human in all aspects of my life, let each thing flow into one another and balance all parts as they come together to form one being. I told a friend last night that I fear success, for I don't believe that I deserve the things I want. His response was, when you deadlifted 500, that was a goal, no? Did you sabotage that because you felt like you didn't deserve it? I responded with a very sure of myself, "NO! I went after that shit." And so, here's to 2017 and "going after that shit."
I don't have specific weightloss goals or a total I want to hit. My goals for 2017 are very simple.
1. I'd like to live a healthy lifestyle and be happy in my own body, whatever that looks like and feels like to me.
2. Earn more money and pay off my debt.
3. Move into my own place.
4. And lastly, treat myself with kindness, respect, and most importantly, love myself.
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