First things first. It's important for me to recognize that I've spent a lot of time trying to just race back to the gym.  Afraid that I'm losing strength, trying to avoid the inevitable...you know, being in denial.  Because the truth is, I don't want to start over.  Does anyone want to have to start over?  By start over, I don't mean I took some time off and I'll need to just do a training cycle & I'll be right back where I was.  It's now been 5 whole months of me not even squatting over 135lbs, and I'd say about 2.5-3 months of just doing bodyweight stuff.  I don't have an explanation or a reason for why my body as been reacting the way it has.  I will have zero pain one day, add in body weight squats with impecable form, and then not be able to put my shoes on without pain for 3-4 days.  So, instead of focusing so heavily on the fact that I can't lift and being SO bummed out about it, maybe it's time to focus on some other things...like diet and how that's going to look, or my personal and professional life, and honestly just my general outlook on life.

I've already lost my strength. Saying that makes me infuriated, but it's reality and it is what it is.  It's been hard for me to imagine some incredibly strict diet, while I'm not even able to go to the gym.  Well, that and I honestly just hate the idea of being restricted.  I like structure, but I hate to feel trapped into something...goes the same way for work and personal life.  Life as I have known it for the past 3-4 years has again, took a drastic turn.  My diet and exercise isn't really going to look the same way that it used to, and I guess I'm just trying to figure out what it IS going to look like.  A normal person....lol  Yes.  It's going to look like a normal person.  I'm not some nutritional guru, but I'm also not a complete idiot, I just lack accountability when it comes to these things.

I know that I don't hate my body, yeah...definitely don't hate it.  But I do know that I probably don't need to be walking around at 190 lbs.  So, let's call this operation eat like a normal human.  No, I cannot eat 3 doughnuts post bench workout because I earned it, no I cannot justify eating 5 slices of pizza because I "needed it for bench day!" I also don't want to call it a diet, because...it's not a diet.  It's just how I'm going to eat from now on.  Eat like a normal human, who works out at the gym like a normal human, NORMAL shit.  I am the girl who, in 2015 deadlifted 500 lbs, and maybe someday I'll do it again, but I'm certainly not banking on it.  I want to be healthy, and you should too.  The barbell will always be there, and I intend to return to it when I can.  However, you only get ONE spine, one body, one you.  Quite frankly, I didn't start sports when I was an adult, by the time I was 18 I had already spent 15 years of my life bending my body like a pretzel, tumbling on a 4inch wide beam, flipping and twisting over 6 feet in the air...you get the idea?

This body has done a lot of amazing things, and my biggest injury to date was a sprained ankle at 16.  In the world of gymnastics, let me just tell you...that's rare and weird.  Even then, it came at a pivotal time when I needed to let gymnastics go and focus on softball.  It all worked out in the end.  I do believe that the timing of events in your life is not accidental.  I don't have anything structurally wrong with my spine, correct?  Who knows what the big mans message is here exactly, but I can tell you I can sense that my rather large detour on this journey is coming to an end.

In my personal life I have been struggling with work.  Not because it's hard or challenging, but because we have been in transition, waiting for paperwork with the state to go through, in order to bill for therapy.  I have spent my days reading books, watching trainings, literally finding anything and everything to occupy my time... FOR MONTHS.  So, at a time when lifting became something I could no longer focus on, I also didn't have the option to even fully invest myself in my work. It's been driving me crazy, so I started to apply for other jobs to supplement and to give me some more things to do.  Monday I accepted an offer for a mobile therapy position, doing therapy with children.  And on Tuesday?  I received the paperwork in the mail from the state and I am officially able to bill for clinical services at my full time job.

I've spent a lot of time at home, and a lot of time with my family. I'd say September-November was me trying to find things to occupy my time...going out with friends, trying to stay busy.  I've been learning to enjoy my own company, and learning that being alone is okay.  When I say alone, I truly mean alone, not searching for validation from anyone but myself.  I don't prefer alone, but it's important to be happy with yourself and who you are.

I've always had a timeline or an expectation for when I could come back. Every time, getting more frustrated and upset than the time before.  I don't have that anymore, I truly have let go of it.  I think what I'm really trying to get at is the idea of accepting and trusting the timing of your life.  When bad things happen or your plan goes awry it can be really hard to see what the lesson is or what positive things are going to come from it. Every single time something has ended or something I didn't plan for happened, it was for a reason.  I can see things slowly pulling together and the universe realigning for me. I have this feeling that 2017 is going to be a really great year.