So,  I think I said in my last post that this week was going to be difficult with getting to the gym due to moving...that still stands.  I had to move my clients to Mon, Tues, Weds in order to make sure I had my entire weekend free to get my moving done.  This week has been really weird for me emotionally, so I figured I could definitely benefit from a walk at the park to clear my mind and really reflect on some things.

I made a super long IG/FB post on Monday night connecting the work I do with my kids to things that happen as an adult.  The way that I am able to pull together my thoughts lately has been amazing for me, and a level of focus I have rarely been able to achieve.  I really feel like for the first time I'm able to be logical about things and think them through rather than solely just acting on emotion...which is really a giant component of ADHD - poor impulsivity control and poor emotional regulation.  Except in adults those things present so much differently and can be much more subtle than you might think.

So I guess this post is to be reflective more than anything.  Tomorrow I move out.  For most of you I guess it would seem very normal that at 25 i'm moving out - and maybe you'd ask, why is that a big deal?  Well, I spent years in an emotionally abusive relationship and lost my entire identity, which made me question who I was and every single decision I made.  I also moved out last year and paralyzed with fear and the start of a new relationship, along with poor living conditions....I quickly moved out and back to my parents/with my new significant other.  My ability to trust myself and my decisions and to be independent has not always been the best.  So, to be in a place financially where I can have all of the things I want and need without the assistance of another is HUGE.  To stay in one place when all i've ever known is chaos, is HUGE.  To be able to sit alone with myself and be content with that and who I am.....again, huge.

My friend asked me the other day: "if you were to stop growing as a person today, would you be happy with that version of yourself forever" - my response was "well, that would suck because I never want to stop growing and being a better version of myself, but my answer is yes...I fucking love this person."  And it's true, I am so happy with the person I have become.  Although it's hard for me to say or admit, I wouldn't be the person I am right now if I hadn't gone through an awful relationship or heartbreak or if I hadn't gotten hurt last year, etc.  I would have never been forced to grow and I would never be who I am right now.

A year ago I remember having a conversation with my then boyfriend about a car (the one I got last Nov), and I think he was telling me that I should be smart and save my money and keep my current car.  I said something like "I will never be able to own a home on my own or have half of the things I want, because I will never make good money - I want a nice car, I want this car, and I don't care"
* I got the car and increased my car payment by 170$ - then frustrated because I wanted more money, went out and got a part time job (also to distract myself from a break up), which then led to me seriously pursuing my clinical license, which now will lead to me getting it in Spring 2018 - which ultimately will result in me tripling my current full time income and being financially stable enough to have almost anything I could want or need in life, INCLUDING owning my own home when I'm ready.

The point of all of this is that shitty things happen, dark times happen.  I still can't train, I still can't squat or deadlift. Everything that is meant for you will happen just the way it's supposed to - no sooner and no later.  If I wasn't hurt right now, I also wouldn't have been able to focus on my career like I have been, which would stunt that growth.  I feel like life comes in waves, sometimes it's a nasty one and it's going to knock you down, other times you're simply riding the wave, etc.

Instead of dwelling on the negative about all of the things you don't have control over that aren't going your way - focus on the positive and the changes you can make to be a better you.

On a "training" note: I walked two miles and sweat my ass off because it's humid as hell here and so warm.