I think it's been pretty clear I have been very lost regarding things with the gym and training and hell, even diet.  And now, actually about a week ago, everything started to come together in my mind.  So, how I got there and what's next for me?

I really wanted to develop a better relationship with food, so that if the time ever came when I wanted to diet or lose weight, I would be able to do so effectively and safely.  AND WE HAVE ARRIVED.  I took about a year off from strict dieting, at first following IIFYM and then kind of just going by how I felt, only eating when I was hungry and making healthier choices.  After my meet in August it took about 2-3 months before officially putting on about 10 lbs, which I, over time, became comfortable with.  At the beginning of this year I had gotten up to maybe 197?  And then, after going through a tough loss, lost a little bit of weight and then had managed to keep it off, keeping me at a comfortable 192.

Training.  If you know me then you know that over time I had consumed myself with powerlifting, in fact, I would say that it began to define me as a human being.  How fascinating that the thing I always swore I would never let happen, happened.  So, what did I do?  I let it go.  Not necessarily by choice, but because of an injury.  WHICH, can I just say has literally been a blessing in disguise?  It was a process and it was long and painful and I put up a fight the entire time, but eventually, I let it go.  I let the lifestyle go.  I gave up paying attention to my protein intake and diet and making sure I could train so many days a week, let go of the goals I had and the numbers I once had. It had literally began to consume me and it was awful.  I suppose some people may look at it as if I fell of the rails or lost my shit.  Maybe I did lose my shit, and that's okay.  I found other things to do, got a second job, am working on my independence, found other hobbies and things I enjoy.  It's freaking awesome.  Balance is so important to me, and I had never had it, despite thinking I did.

An important lesson I have learned as of late: sometimes you need to let things go. Let things go, not because we don't love them or want them, but just because right now, in this moment...they need to be let go.   And sometimes we find our way back.   Some day I may find my way back to the powerlifting platform, but that day is not today or tomorrow or next week, and that's okay.  Which brings me to my next point.  I am an athlete and I like to have goals; I don't like feeling lost like I'm wandering around with no idea what comes next.

SOOOOOOO, I hired someone to do my training and my diet - bodybuilding style 🙂 I finally got back into the gym this weekend, TWICE, and I plan to go again tomorrow.  It's such different training but it's all laid out for me in a way that makes sense and she's so awesome and has even shown me exactly what to do, since I'm so unfamiliar with these kinds of exercises.

I think that my ultimate goal would be to do a show of some sort, whether it would be figure or physique, but that's so far down the road and I have tons of work to do, so I'm just going to enjoy the process for now.  One thing I noticed immediately after leg day is that my glutes were sore, WHICH IS A HUGE DEAL.  Part of my injury right now is due to my entire right side, including my glutes, not firing properly, or not firing at all. I'm excited for the future, to get stronger and healthier.  I also hope that with this training my injury resolves itself (along with PT) and I can get back to heavy training some day (whenever that may be, down the road).  Plus, losing weight for summer ain't that bad either 🙂