So, I've been back in the gym doing some training, and honestly I'm okay. I admit my back was really bothering me this weekend and I think that's due to the fact that I wasn't able to get in with my chiropractor last week, which really messed me up.
Anyway, I think it's important for me to document how I'm feeling in regards to training and powerlifting, just for the sole purpose of keeping myself accountable and remembering where I am at every step of the way. Like I said, I am really enjoying going to the gym right now. I admit, I get frustrated about my back, but honestly only whenever other people are around and I feel the need to be somewhere that I am not in regards to my lifting and healing. There are a lot of mental changes going on right now, as I continue to learn what I like and what I don't like, what I want and don't want. This is in regards to powerlifting and life, although, I have to admit, I am really on point with what I want out of life and doing what it takes to get it. As in, I finally have my shit straight.
Regardless. If you would've asked me a year ago if I preferred to train with people or without people I would've said absolutely, 100% with, but at this stage? I really have nothing to prove to anyone but myself. I like being alone. I like just going in and doing my thing. Keeping the pressure off of myself is becoming easier and easier, and as I begin to focus on the present, not the future, I realize where my priorities lie.
I could honestly care less about a total or how much I can squat. I want to be healthy, I want to see my body composition change back to being a little bit more toned and "muscley" like before, I want to have fun. Because when I look back at all of the sports I have ever done, powerlifting included, I never did any of it for me. There's something to be said about consistently, your entire life, being told that you "could be something great" or that "you have so much potential". Great, I am glad for that. But what happens when I don't live up to what everyone else's "idea" of great is. I was never satisfied; what an empty feeling that is. And when I look back at all that I have accomplished in life and athletics, why the hell would I not be happy or feel some sort of satisfaction from it?
I'm an adult. My first priority is my career and financial stability, only now that I am injured and out of the sport can I fully focus on work. My second priority is just life shit, healthy relationships, family, friends, etc. To be honest 1 & 2 are at a tie because they're really just both so important to me and what I am focused on every single day. And my third priority would be the gym and maintaining a healthy lifestyle. The gym is there and it always will be, but at the moment, the sport of powerlifting? I'm good. I love my friends and I love all of the wonderful people I have met through the sport, but I think sometimes we become so wrapped up in this sport that we forget about real life shit. So worried about the new categories through SPF or is it RPS? Who even knows. So worried about this persons high squat and that person's deadlift because they didn't lock their knees out, arguing over simple things like differences of opinion, etc. I am in no way a perfect human, nor do I claim to be, but this? Powerlifting is quite exhausting for a damn hobby, but I suppose that's subjective, as is this whole log.
I cannot tell you the relief I feel by not being up to date about all of the drama 24/7, half of the time I have no idea what any of you are talking about. I have to also admit, that while I have been on this body positivity kick, I have also been obsessing about the number on the scale. I think this goes back to the days of weight classes and the pressure that comes with it. Like yes, I enjoy my body at 180 or so, but I also sure as hell don't really mind it at it's current state of 189-192. It's so interesting to me how long it takes to truly change your mindset after you've been stuck in something for so long.
Ah anyway, enough rambling. I think what I'm trying to get at is just that this whole step away from powerlifting thing has been very therapeutic on so many levels. If I step on the platform again some day, I will know that it will be 100% for me. So, I'll just be here, doing me, for me, and we will see where that takes me. I don't have any plans for the future other than getting healthy and hiring a coach and following a program. If I get the itch to compete, then I will. If I don't then I don't, but I have no pressure or expectations put on myself and I want to keep it that way.