Yesterday marked the first day of the rest of my life.

I'm going to chalk it up to fate that things have started to play out the way they have been. It can't be coincidence that only hours after getting a talk/scolding from my boss about my direction with my life and career, I got a phone call from Clint which would change my life in the same regard.

I have known for years that I have been spinning my wheels. I have all the tools I need, but no toolbox. I have a million and one ideas, but somehow haven't been connecting the dots and putting it all together. Talent becomes wasted when we don't believe in ourselves enough to follow through with what we want. And as much as there are parts of me that believe I'm not good enough, most of me knows that I am capable of great things when I put my mind to it.

I'm almost ashamed to admit that I had very little to say during our talk, as most of the time I was fighting back tears. I felt stupid for even wanting to cry. But it is a sensitive topic for me, and it hurt. Not because he was saying hurtful things, but because it was reinforcing the things I knew about myself but chose to kept turning away from. My lack of confidence has held me back from accomplishing a lot. And even though I am much further along now than I was, I definitely haven't been doing as much as I could do. I stopped trying. I started just settling instead, because it was easy.

My lack of training has been a direct reflection of the mayhem going on inside my head. It's less of an outside influence, since I know that we all have the same hours in the day - just different priorities. I do train whenever I get a chance, but I need to start CREATING chances. Even if that means working out at home or using whatever shitty equipment is in my condo gym.

I don't want to end up in the same spot I am in now ten, twenty, or thirty years from now. But I am wasting my youth and my energy by not actively working on my dreams while I still have the opportunity to do so. I have worked my ass off to get to where I am, but I know that I can always do better. There is always room for growth. Always room to change.

I am tired. Exhausted, actually. But I'm not going to let that stray me from the things I know I need to do and accomplish. I refuse to screw up my opportunities again. I went for too long turning things down and giving up before I had even started. Yesterday was the wake up call that I needed so desperately. My finances are out of whack. My schedule is stupid and inefficient. I make excuse after excuse. But I have decided to start writing things down all the time. Any kind of notes, thoughts, whatever...just to get them on paper. I used to do that to keep me focused. It's time to go back. Because at least when I am putting things down on paper I can feel a little more organized.

I even set out a budget for myself, haha. Sounds silly to some, but it`s a big deal for me. I downloaded an app to help me keep track, and to help me get my savings back after I lost them earlier this year. Baby steps. It is about time I REALLY took charge of my life.

Tonight will be the first real weight session I have done in a little while. I know I will be physically weak. But my mental game is strong. I am excited and determined to make the most of the time I do have.