I have been doing what I can in spite of the busted arm. Safety squat bar to a box, pit shark, good mornings, unilateral arm work, whatever I can. If you know me, you know I will not roll over.
I had a recent discussion with a loved one and debated on posting anything but either way. I discussed things with them and they know how I feel.
It was brought to my attention I have made decisions in opposition of what they had assumed would be the "smart" move for me to do, and have continuously shown them that I am very different when compared to what they "expected" me to be. Which is not a bad thing. I am proud of my decisions but to hear such a thing and that level of regret and resentment is a hard truth to accept. Difficult drink to take.
I have alluded to the fact that I am an indecisive man. I gravitate towards chaos. I operate in disorder. I thrive in suffering. This is not an admirable quality but it is my own. The sooner I become familiar with myself and realize that it is an atypical existence, the sooner I can be comfortable as such. And even then that state of comfort is most likely superficial and only momentary, but that is life.
One of the pivotal moments of my life in recent years was my decision to not go to Doctor of Occupational Medicine school and or to not become a Doctor of Physical Therapy. I was accepted into multiple programs upon graduating college in 2015 and was accepted into more programs upon applying recently last year as well. Both times I retreated upon acceptance because I could not imagine a life where I push myself further into school debt, and then simply live a conventional life of relative leisure, but hollow monetary gain. I don't know if I made the right decisions but they are my own. I can never be sure if I should do what I believe, but I can believe nonetheless.
I am shocked there are people that live life and do not believe we can be self aware to identify our positive traits and our negative. And I am shocked how many of these I can identify in myself. There are good things and there are bad things. Both of which are only grown or suppressed depending on my perspective and my pursuit.
So 2019 I am filling the cup to the brim. I am sending emails and I am writing and I am training and I am moving. Stagnation is my death. Figuratively and literally. My decisions and my conviction to my own self is the only way I can beat the looming feeling of doom breathing down the back of my neck.
I don;t know if these are the right decisions. But I can't give into fear. I see too many people doing so in every day of my life in every interaction I have, I cannot be that person. So even if the cup is filled with blood, and terror, and all I can think about is how afraid I am to take that drink (or walk that weight out, run that mile, climb that ladder, make that phone call, speak to that person) I will do so anyway. Because it is a year for full measures.