I'm not even sure where to begin with this honestly.  I guess first, I just want to apologize for getting super far behind on my logs, and not really sharing much over the past month.  It went by way faster than I thought it would.  Basically from the time I got home from my vacation, I haven't stopped, until this week.  So much has been changing for me and I've learned a lot about myself over the past 3-4 weeks.  I think there are some pretty good lessons, and I want to share some insight about life, lifting, and diet with all of you.

I guess we can just jump right to around May 15th-ish.  This was the weekend I moved into my apartment officially.  I spent my first night in my new place on the 14th, and it was really freaking weird...and a bit overwhelming.  I cried that night I think.  I have made a lot of decisions over the past two months, and some of those were a little bit forced.  I didn't get an apartment because I wanted to, or because I felt that I was ready.  The truth is, I left a situation I was no longer comfortable with, to move back into my parents house, and then shortly after I was informed that that housing would no longer be an option for me come June.  I was kind of basically left feeling like one of my clients.  Yes, I was home and in a safe place, but it wasn't my home, and it was not stable housing.  It's also not a very welcoming environment for a number of reasons.  Ultimately, I had to make some kind of decision, and I had to make it fast.  I think it was around this time that I realized I needed to just let go, let go of everything that I was holding onto in my past, and put my energy into the future.

I think sometimes we stay in situations that we aren't happy in, just because they are easy and comfortable.  <--- That was me, for a really, really long time.

Anyway, the weekend of moving left me really out of sync with my diet stuff, because I was just getting situated....oh and my money was TIGHT.  So, I resorted to super easy options  that weren't a part of the diet that I created.  You know, that diet that I talked about in my last big log?  That one.  I ended up leveling off at about 183 after that weekend and I thought, hm, that's a good starting point for the journey to 175.  Except, when Monday came, my body/mind were just like no.  So, I didn't "diet".  I decided to just like, live my life, and do what I want, and make healthy choices.  This has proved to be another AWESOME move for me regarding my progress with my relationship with food.  Holy crap.  I leveled off at 183ish two weeks ago, and today I weighed in at 179.4.  I'm eating what I want within reason, eating when I'm hungry, making smart choices, not restricting, not binging, etc.  I said it in a Facebook post I just made, when you're ready, you're ready...you don't owe anyone anything.  I don't think I've ever had a good relationship with food, and this is the beginning of something really, really great for me.  It's very important for me to have balance in my life.  I'm not even intentionally trying to lose weight, I'm just living my life right now and enjoying myself and this new adventure.

Speaking of adventure.  I have to guess that some of you out there are probably just like me or have been in some similar situations.  I have to be honest when I say that letting go of everything I knew and starting fresh, with the unknown, has been one of the best/hardest decisions I have ever made.  The day I moved into this apartment I decided to let go.  I had been holding on to a lot of things and I just...let go.  I realized that the universe will always give me what I need.  I realized that I will always be okay.  In that time I also realized that for the first time in my life I just listened to what my heart was telling me to do.  I didn't overanalyze, I just...went with it and let things happen the way they were supposed to happen.

Ultimately, you are in control of your happiness.  People will say a lot of things, but at the end of the day they will always show you who they really are.  We invest our time in people and situations, and then when it's time for it to be over, instead of letting go, we hold onto it and smother it for fear of moving on and the unknown.  Don't force these things.  Let the goodbyes happen, whether it's with a loved one, a friend, a job, whatever.  The universe is telling you that it's time, and it's important to listen to it.  I think in that time you will find that all of your hurt, disappointment, sadness, inner conflict, whatever it may be, will subside.  The rollercoaster of emotions will subside.  Everything will start to fall into place and align for you, and you will know, like I did, that you did the right thing.  Trust yourself.  It may not seem like it, but you have all of the answers.  I finally stopped asking everyone what I should do, and I just did what I wanted.  I feel free.  I feel happy, genuinely happy.

There is something so cool about me being able to share my insights about life and where I'm at with all of you.  I am 23, and while I may not have nearly as many life experiences as a lot of you reading, I feel as though I bring a lot to the table in regards to mental game.  After all, the end goal for me is to have my own outpatient practice, ya know...therapy.  I like to think I am constantly working on being a better me.  That kind of just consists of taking a look at myself daily.  Why I do the things I do, why I am the way I am, how I effect other people, how I can be better, how could I have handled situations differently, etc.  If you're not doing this frequently, which a lot of people don't...for a lot of reasons, how can you ever be a better you?  If you don't understand who you are and why you are that way, how can you ever be a better person?  Always self reflect, and if you don't like what you see, it's simple.  Make the changes you need to make to be the person you want to be.

Oh training, I might want to talk about that too...  I stated before that this is a crucial time for me to be in the gym and get back into my groove.  I have done just that, and honestly I've been totally killing it.  I've been a bit silent, but I promise, I'm hungry for more.  Although I'm not currently "dieting" or whatever the hell we wanna call it, I'm hungry for that total at 165.  I will say, squats without wraps are absolutely trashing me right now.  100%, like, homegirl needs to order knee sleeves like...yesterday.  Not only that though, my hips are so angry.  Anyway, last night I had some fun with deadlifts.  Nothing special.  I started off pretty low this mesocycle, but I'm pretty excited to see where it takes me.

Originally I was training for BOB3, but I'm not sure that will be happening, considering my financial situation has changed dramatically.  I plan to figure it out by the end of the week.  Regardless, I plan to maintain/lose over the next few months until I'm in a happy place with everything and then I will pick a meet.  It might be BOB3, or it may be a meet closer to home.

Warm-up: Bracing & Stretching
Deadlifts: 135x3, 185x3, 225x3, 275x3, 310x5x3
Rack Pulls: 370x3x3
Pull ups: 2x10 overhand & 1x10, 1x7 underhand
Hammer Curls: 10x20 & 15x20