You are not original and everyone wants to die at some point in their life. Now that we've got that out of the way, we can get to the meat. It's been a hard couple of weeks assessing who i am and in fact what i am.

I have great friends and i have a great life. But i still feel alone sometimes. And that's okay. Some of my great friends have told me about them Feeling it too.

I think a huge component of this is focusing on feeling happiness as a state of being, rather than focusing on joy in a moment. We exist in a state of squalor. We have emotion, we have rationality. Both fighting amongst one another to control our actions and our ego eagerly awaiting to beat both of them down and jump to the forefront at any moment.

It's our human nature to be complicated. And in that complication, we try to find meaning in our actions and our accomplishments. Finding meaning might be one of the most important things we do as humans. However, even doing this we still can be sad. Depressed or angry.

That's the problem with happiness. It isn't a state, or a constant. It's a moment. It's a hug, kiss, a meal, a light breeze on your cheek, a drop of sweat, the tunnel vision of pressure. It's horrible pain and strain. It's relaxation.

It's fucking temporary.

And that's why some of us struggle with life. It's harder for some people to deal with the gaps of time between these moments. It's hard for me.

I've never written this before but i continually have suicidal thoughts. Now, don't flood my inbox. I know the numbers and the hotlines.

There's a difference between wanting to cease to exist, and being actively suicidal, i believe. I think about dying a lot. Or just disappearing. It's how my brain is wired. It scares me sometimes. But i think that's okay. Existence is scary.

I remember writing about continuing to train harder than ever after feeling tendon rip from bone. I still think about that. I've had a stay in the hospital in between then and now. And guess what? I'm back in the gym. I'm fearful, but i proceed any way.

What else is there to do, but to continue on? You keep going, or you don't. It's your choice, but those temporary moments keep on coming. I keep MAKING them. I want you to as well.

I can't replicate how i feel after i coach a friend to success. No drug I've taken, no sex, no meal. That's what keeps me going and why i am so confident in this sport. It's the PEOPLE that keep us going. Sometimes that's only one person. And that's okay.

We all keep going. And I'm proud of myself. And I'm proud of anyone who's reached out to me, to a friend, or simply answered a dm from a friend in the opposite role. We all have value. We ALL mean more than we think we do. And that's happiness. That's joy. The fact that we have potential we have no idea we contain.

Thanks for reading.