I'd be lying if I said lifting was my #1 priority, or my #2, shit, idk if it's even number 3 specifically...although it is part of the bigger picture of being healthy and in shape. I'm in a really unique/weird in between stage and really trying to figure out my career, it is the most pressing issue at the moment. I work two jobs, one which I enjoy very much and one which I have sort of grown out of and am working to make fit into my professional goals for the next 8-10 months while I finish up supervision for my clinical license.
And although my anxiety takes over every once in a while and I start hastily searching and applying for different jobs, this may be the first time in my life I am not simply running from something uncomfortable or new, but rather staying and adapting and trying to make it fit until I get to the next stop on my journey. Yes I still live at home with my parents, no I'm not happy with my job, no I don't get to lift much, but the end goal...the bigger picture, that's what I'm after. And when I look back to last year around this same time, I was making changes and trying to see the bigger picture. Got a little lost and fell off track, but I see it. So, perhaps in a year or so I'll be buying my first home or legitimately moving out on my own into an apartment, I'll be making my own work schedule, making awesome money that I can live off of on my own, will be able to have a regular gym schedule, etc.
It's so easy to be caught up in the moment and literally have no forsight. I admit that I learn most of my lessons only with hindsight, but I would say it's a work in progress and as I grow older and wiser I feel like I'm finally gaining some sense of responsibility/adulthood in the way of making decisions. You know, minus that impulsive trip to Dubai I booked with my bestfriend after 4 hours of text discussion. But hey, sometimes it's also fun to be impulsive and do crazy things, like book a trip to the middle east with literally no planning.
Anyway, gym. I went 8 times this month, up from 0 the previous two months. PROGRESS. So excited. I'm also squatting light again with no pain or discomfort, doing lots of PT work, and really just trying to be healthier. At the beginning of April I was up to 197lbs, which is heavier than I would like to be, personally. I went through a rough patch and was so nauseous every day for a week that all I could get down were smoothies and the random food my mom would buy me just to get some food into my stomach. It might be the first time sadness had gotten the best of me and kept me from eating food, because you know....I love food. Back to the point, I dropped 7 lbs in 5 days and was doing completely awful. When I was finally able to function like a normal human I slowly added in food over the next two weeks and then was holding around 192. From there I took the next step in hiring someone and starting a diet, and now am holding around 187 and will continue to drop until I am in a place where I want to maintain. It's important to recognize that even in our darkest moments we have the ability to propel forward and make positive changes. I think thats the message I'm trying to get across. Many times in my life have I felt paralyzed by anxiety and felt there was no way out, literally couldn't get my mind to stop for even a second to be rational, but as time goes on and you grow and adapt, you get stronger and you learn to deal with things even in the hardest of times.
Forever growing, always changing, always learning. Learning to just stop and appreciate and see the journey, knowing that where I am right now is not my final destination.