You will quickly realize that this blog post is not directly related to a training day. Instead, I have decided to dedicate it to something we are all so very familiar with, and that's diet. Yes, yes, I know, another article, blog, etc. about dieting and someone's "struggles". For me, the purpose of this blog is to inform and really make everyone think, more or less. When you see someone posting about their diet progress I think sometimes the immediate thought is wow, "I wish I could do that" or "why can't I do that", at least for me it was. We automatically assume that it's probably easy for that person; they probably have their crap figured out and are good at following a diet. Wrong. Now this may be a lot about me and how I think about things, but I'm going to go ahead and take a wild guess that many of you have thought and do think these same things. I'm here to tell you about how I've dealt with it and what I'm currently doing to break the cycle.

I was just thinking out loud the other day when I said to Swede, "Is there anything that makes it easier for someone to lose weight?" His simple response was, "No, they are just doing what it takes, it's very simple." In a way it is simple, right? I mean, reduced calories, some cardio, it really isn't rocket science to lose weight. The thing we often fail to acknowledge is the individual internal struggle from person to person. Why does someone struggle so much with the concept of dieting, or even with following through with it? When we start to consider this aspect, we will soon realize it goes much deeper than, "they want it more" or "they're more disciplined."

Issues with food and body image come from all kinds of places. For me, I'm still figuring out where it all started. Maybe what I have dealt with will resonate with some of you, so I will share a bit of it. I was a competitive gymnast from age 6-17 and during that time I had someone in my life that made it a point to bring it to my attention (from a very young age), that I wasn't like the other girls; I didn't have a small frame, I wasn't flat chested, I wasn't as short (mind you, I am 5'4), etc. So, basically from age 10-11+ I started to compare myself to others, first starting in the gym, and then slowly that crept outside of the gym to school, and pretty much overflowed into every facet of my life. I still do it. I don't think it takes a psychoanalyst to see the snowball affect this had on my life and the way I view myself to this day.

Flash forward to the end of high school and the beginning of college when I had stopped doing gymnastics. I basically just went into eating mode. No one was monitoring me or commenting on this anymore, and I just ran with it. I gained 30 lbs in one year before running into Swede and asking him, "So, like, do you make people skinny," you can tell I was even good with words back then. Anyway, I started training and followed an extremely strict diet. This was good, I lost all of the weight and then some. Awesome, right? Wrong. I actually developed horrible eating disorder tendencies that would follow me for years. Being able to identify these was huge. Most people can't do this until after they're deep into an eating disorder. I kind of just stayed in this limbo for a long time. By a long time I would say 3 years, more specifically, the past 3 years I've been competing. The point here is there is probably some underlying issue or incident that you had when you were growing up, or even recently, that you can attribute your eating and body image issues to. Everyone is unique and everyone's story and journey is different. I think once you dig deeper and you can actually see what has contributed to your issues with food or body image, only then you can really start to change. You're not broken, you're not a failure. Something along the way happened, whatever that may be, and it effects you psychologically in regards to diet and self image. The self hatred and the self loathing that comes with your lack of success or ability to like yourself is something you will have to work through, but again, I promise once you have some type of answer as to why you are the way you are, you will begin to be able to let go of it.

As women competing in a sport where bodyweight is literally at the core of everything we do, it can be a difficult place to be. We actually have societal norms and strength sport norms pulling us in two different directions. Society says, smaller is better, no one wants to be the big girl right? And then you have strength sports which really can be a combination of two things. 1. small and strong is desired, you know, the girl that pulls 450 weighing 132 lbs and has visible abs and 2. bigger and stronger, like the girl weighing 198 and squatting 500+ lbs. And what are you to do? I think the bigger and stronger theme is really coming around in regards to women, we all know it's been around for the men quite some time...possibly forever. But still, your caught between, what's more impressive, 1100 total at 165, or 148? Both are impressive, but it's obvious it's more impressive at a lighter body weight, that's just reality.

So, what do you do? For a lot of you I'm going to guess you end up begrudgingly committing to some sort of diet. Following this will be weeks of misery and complete dissatisfaction, falling off the wagon, getting back on the wagon, some self loathing, minimal weight loss...do I need to continue with this? You get the idea and if you've done it, then you really know what i'm talking about. At this point you're caught between two weight classes, maybe semi satisfied with how you look outwardly, torn between wanting to total more at a lower weight, and really just saying %$@# it, I'm going with the upper class, etc. OR the other option if you're like me and don't accept failure no matter what. I begrudgingly do that diet and cut the water weight. And then...the cycle continues.

About 2 months ago I decided to break the cycle. I really had just had enough of hating myself for failing at diets. I have a pretty good grasp on who I am as a person and why I am the way I am. One thing I could never figure out though was diet, for whatever reason. I think I was just in denial about what my childhood was really like. After a few deep conversations with my mom surrounding food (she also struggles in this area), I kind of came up with a general idea of why I've been stuck in such a dark place for so long. It gives you almost a sense of closure and acceptance. Yes, I am this way because of xyz; I am not flawed or broken. At the end of the day only you have control over you. You can't help where you've come from or what has happened to you, but you can start to make the changes for you, because that is who/what matters the most now.

You may get to the weight you want to be at or to a place where you're happy with the way you look, but there will always be another goal to get to; another weight class you want to compete in, gaining weight to put on muscle, etc. You will continually be challenged, and diet/food will probably always be on your mind if you're competing in strength sports. This is a process, and there is no "end".  Once you realize there is no definite end, and that you will forever be working towards some kind of goal, you will stop beating yourself up for "failing" or not meeting expectations regarding weight or body image (that's the hope anyway).  You don't build an All-Time World Record in 3 months, why would you expect dieting to be the same? Enjoy the process, because just like training, you're in it for the long haul.