Ever notice this within your own damn self?

You say you're loyal, but you cheat on your girlfriend.

You say you're a good friend, but you actually really never show up for your friends.

I could continue this, but I wont, it would be exhausting and there are far too many examples.  In December there came a point where I realized I wasn't really the kind of human I wanted to be.  I WANTED to be who I said I was, but my actions just really never measured up.  It was a shitty moment, or should I say time.  I really struggled with the fact that who I had been saying I was, really wasn't who I was at all.  I lied, I hurt people I loved, I kept things from people, I just really wasn't me.  And so when I talk about "finding" myself or figuring out who I am, that's what I'm talking about, the really shitty parts.  The part where you have to wake up in the morning and look at yourself and realize, you really just are not taking the actions to be who you want to be.

So what did I do about it?  Well, in that moment I realized if I wanted this thing that I said I wanted so badly, I damn sure better start acting like it right?  I wanted a healthy relationship, while holding onto a toxic one, I wanted to make more money and pay off my debt, but I hardly put any work into my job.  I wanted to have good friends who supported me, but I wasn't even being there for the friends I had.

Well, I cut out the bad, and attempted to bring in the good. Except there's this thing about burning bridges that no one really tells you; that once you burn them it's incredibly hard to rebuild them, and sometimes you just can't.  I have spent the greater part of 7 months trying to fix the wrongs I have done, and I still don't get what I always wanted in the first place.  There's something to be said for ambivalence; it's okay to be there, to be indecisive.  But I would caution you not to stay there too long, for your time may run out.

Back to things I did. I got a part time job to earn that money that I wanted, instead of looking for the easy way out.  I started being there for my friends, and figuring out just who's got my back.  I brought new friends in, and can I tell you how awesome that's been?  To have people who genuinely support you and want what's best for you, but yet, let you be wherever you are in the moment.

And when we want to bring lifting into the mix.   I always swore that lifting would not consume me, but it did.  I always said I wouldn't care if I couldn't lift again, but I did.  And even when I began to let go and say I was fine, I was not.

In this moment the things I feel are reality.  I'm not trying to be someone I'm not, I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything about me, because I accept me.    It's been a little over a year now and what a process of growing and changing and gaining some sense of self awareness this has been.  How exciting it is to be okay with yourself as a human being.  Sure, I have pretty bad anxiety, and sometimes I think while I'm texting and it's really annoying, and sometimes I'm stubborn and frustrating.  But I know exactly who I am and what I want.  I might not always know where I'm going, and my anxiety and hatred for making decisions might cause me to change my mind a 100 times, but I will get there.

If you're sitting there reading this and thinking about how who you are does not match who you want to be, you have every opportunity to change it.  I'm not saying it will be easy, and I'm not saying you won't need help, and I'm certainly not saying it'll happen over night.  But slowly, you make the changes, and slowly you will realize you're becoming the kind of human you want to be.

Side Note:

Sometimes these end up like a personal blog.  I apologize that there's not much lifting.  I train about 2 days a week - usually Thursdays and Saturdays because I'm working a lot.  I bench, because I've found deadlifting and squatting still irritate me, however, I do leg press now!  The gym is fun. My life is busy.  Work is good. & the rest I take day by day.