Lemme run this back to 2016 when I started working with a diet coach and lost 20lbs over the course of 4 months, kept it off from April - September and then gained it ALLLLLL back, like I always do.  To say my life has ever been simple or stable would be a lie, it's been an emotional mess from the time I started college, which I admit has fed into a lot of the issues I've had with food.  April 12th, 2017 I weighed 197lbs.  A combination of heartbreak and deciding I was done treating my body like shit/wallowing in self pity because of my injury got me out of the hole and sitting in a comfy range of 185-190 for the past 3 months.  I didn't diet to do that, I didn't restrict, and  I'm now at a place where I don't feel extreme guilt and self loathing from having a day of less than perfect eating - in fact, a week ago I had an entire week of eating crappy foods, AND THAT'S OKAY.

The absolute best thing I've ever done is getting rid of all of the "shoulds" in my life.  I should be lifting, I shouldn't still be injured. I SHOULD be dieting, I SHOULD lose weight, etc.  Not only did it allow me to focus on myself, but God, my life is so much more peaceful.  Now I want to make sure I address that I do have SOME concept of what I'm eating daily, just due to experience with macros and dieting over the years.  I would say once or twice a week at the end of the day I do a rough run through of what I've eaten that day, just to make sure I'm not injesting like 32832857382758 calories, which is just unnecessary.  I'd say if I WAS tracking I have days where I'm around 1800, and I have days where I'm probably 2500, but this depends on how hungry I am, activity levels, work schedule, etc.  I also weigh in once every week or two weeks, just out of curiousity.

I eat when I'm hungry, I eat when I want something, I eat in moderation, and I absolutely 100% am not stressed about it.  I used to spend literally hours of my day either thinking about what I was going to eat next, planning out my meals, regretting and self loathing if I wanted something off my plan or if I went over macros, etc.  I didn't love the skin I was in, and that wasn't because I didn't look good.  Body positivity or should I say happiness with my physical appearance is always a work in progress, but I can tell you no matter how much weight I've ever lost it never made me happier, never made me less self conscious.

So, for now I work on loving myself, as I am.  Eventually maybe I will change my goals and maybe I'll follow a "diet" or program, but for now I'm really enjoying this balance I've achieved.  It feels really good to be in an awesome place in my life in all aspects, not just the gym or just my career.  I'm gonna keep riding the wave.