Well, I guess I could preface this log with a TLDR, so let's just get that out of the way.  These logs have almost become a form of therapy for me, an outlet, and I'm actually very glad that I get to share it all with you, the readers.  Some may say, "that's so personal", and others may say, "no one cares", and that's okay.  While I do write them, in the hopes that someone takes something away from it, I am also writing for me.  I'm in a very unique place, and I have been for a while, learning and evolving.  If anything I just hope that I send the message that it's okay to be wherever you are, when you're there; it's okay to not have everything figured out; your reality is just that, it's yours, and I just hope that maybe my words can find you, and help you in some way.  Remember, therapy is where I really come from sometimes with all of this, and I also want to encourage anyone struggling to reach out.

Getting caught up, in powerlifting.  It's crazy to me, because I have always said that I would never let a sport consume me.  I think for the majority of my life I did that very well, until powerlifting came along.  Looking back, I completely understand how I, so quickly, got caught up in this small world we live in. The problem is that I got stuck there.  Training for weight loss quickly became training for strength, training for strength quickly became training for the next meet, and training for the next meet, of course means, training to be better than I was last time, which comes with an extreme level of anxiety and pressure.  Eating for weight loss quickly changed to eating for performance, which turned into meal plans and meal prep, which turned into dieting for weight classes, which then turned into me obsessing over the scale.  All the while I was balancing school and complex relationships, and now, my career.  Maybe some of you can relate?

And when I really sit back and I look at what is important to me in this life, while training is one of them, the stress that comes with competing is not one of them.  So, I guess I have gone back to the drawing board.  Partly because I'm injured, but also partly because I have really been just working on me, and how I can be the best me possible.  What is important to me in the grand scheme of things?  I'm not even sure that it's powerlifting specific anymore.  It used to be "xyz" total at "insert weight class here", as if getting that total was going to make me a better person.  Really, I would feel just as empty on the inside, with the next total I hit, no matter what it was.  How do you get past that...the emptiness you feel, even when you reach the goals that you set for yourself?

The answer is not a simple one, but I think it's important to acknowledge just exactly how CRUCIAL it is to invest in your well-being mentally, as well as physically.  Because, with out that...in this sport, you will try over and over again to fill the void, and it will never happen.  You will destroy yourself, and everyone around you, chasing after something that powerlifting can never give you.  And on a very personal note, I'm really working with my therapist on these feelings of inadequacy and where they've stemmed from, my inability to not just speak about my emotions, but show them, and lastly, why I am so guarded, and why I don't trust easily.  Will those things ever go away, I mean no, they're part of what make me, me. But, the point is to understand yourself, who you are, and why you are that way.  In the end, you will have such a better quality of life, and when thinking about the bigger picture, these issues I have literally seep through every aspect of my life.  Being able to be aware of that, and how, is only going to help me, both on and off the platform.

Someone asked me the other day when I was going to get back on the platform, or if I had any plans to in the near future.  The answer to that is absolutely not.  Will I?  Well, yes.  I'm an athlete at my core.  But I think for me, I'm really just in this stage of growth and figuring out, I mean really figuring out what the hell I want out of my life.    I think sometimes we get so caught up in what people or society says we SHOULD do, that we forget about what we really want, what feeds our souls.  These are things ingrained in us (the "should's") from a very early age from our family, friends, culture, religion, etc.   It's hard to break free of those molds that we feel so strongly about fitting into.  Relationships should look this way, you should get married, go to school, get a good job, settle down.  I'm finding that in the real world things aren't really as black and white as I had thought they were.  There is a GIANT grey area, I mean a huge one.  And maybe, just maybe, I want to live in the grey.  Maybe for once I don't want to have a plan, I don't want to know what's going to happen, and you know...I don't want people telling me that I should.  I've surrounded myself with some pretty awesome humans, that literally just let me be me, whoever that may be, and that's okay.  It is okay to be you, to figure out what you like, to change your mind.  It's okay to be indecisive and not know what you want. Now, don't get it twisted, you still need your friends to call you out on your bullshit and all that stuff.  I'm just saying, find people who let you be you, and who support you, instead of judging you for not fitting into their mold of who they think you should be.

I have spent a giant portion of my adult life trying to be what other people wanted me to be, or who they thought I was.  Just because I wasn't sure doesn't mean I needed someone else to tell me.  That's for me to figure out, because it's my life.  So, now I do what I want to do, for me and for no one else.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with being selfish when it comes to yourself.  YES.  Be freaking selfish when it comes to you, because you need to be happy, before you can ever make a positive impact on someone else's life.

I guess my current view on things is just to plan for me.  Plan my life for me, not based on other people or what they want, just me.  And you know what?  The people who are supposed to be in your life...they're going to fall into it and the path you have chosen for yourself, with or without your effort to include them.  Do that, do you, and the rest will follow.

And I will leave you with this:

There is more to life than that total your chasing.  Travel, experience the world, read new books, eat at new places, meet different people, etc.  And if you're reading this thinking I'm completely insane because you love powerlifting with every ounce of your being and you just want to be consumed in it, do it.  Maybe that's what feeds your soul, and that's totally awesome.