A Throwback QA

 

Martin,
OK, you helped me out last time. Thanks. I kind of feel silly. A friend told me about a technique for squatting. He said that icing your testicles helps raise your testosterone levels. I tried it and all I got was an ice burn on my balls, and my squat went down five pounds. If it is true, should I ice after lifting? Last time, I iced before I lifted. Thanks. Train hard and lift big weights. P.S. What is the financing option of weight releasers for 36 months?
—Jake

 

Jake,
Thank God your "friend" didn’t tell you about a technique that involves getting kicked in the balls to kick start testosterone production. I’m not sure where your "friend" got the idea, but if it really worked, you’d see many more ice packs to nuts scenarios unfold at major meets.

There have been studies to show that extreme cold exposure can lead to increased growth hormone production, but you don’t see many lifters swimming in Lake Michigan. The moral of the story is that although it is good to try new things, you have to know where to draw the line before you sterilize yourself.
—Martin

 

After reading this, I had to give it a try. You know I’ll try anything. Well, I got a butter dish and filled it up with water. I put an apple in the middle of it and put it into the freezer overnight. The next morning, I cut the apple out and had a real nice hole just perfect to fit my balls into. I figured that this would be perfect. I could wear some loose shorts, pull myself out to the side, and place my bag in the dish as I drove to the gym. This way my testosterone levels would be optimum when I arrived at the gym 45 minutes later.

 

The dish worked perfectly. While it hurt like hell in the beginning, the pain wore off with time. With Godsmack blasting over the speakers, I gunned it down the highway at about 85 miles per hour. I knew that once I got to the gym, the PRs would fall. Who else would be doing this? Could this be the edge that I had been looking for the past 12 years?

 

efs-truck

 

Well, I ran into a bit of a traffic jam and got stuck next to a semi-truck driver. The look on his face was one of total shock. He had to be asking himself, “Why in the hell does that big bald dude have his bag in a butter dish?” Screw him! I have to squat!

 

The traffic jam kept me on ice for another ten minutes. When I pulled into the parking lot, I could actually feel the testosterone building. I haven’t felt this much aggression since my wife ate all the Ho Hos. When I stopped the car, it was time to pull my bag out and get in the gym. If you remember the kid in the movie, "The Christmas Story," with his tongue struck to the flagpole, my bag was frozen to the butter dish. Then it hit me. I had to walk into Westside Barbell club with my bag frozen to a butter dish. I could see the look on Louie's face after I walked in the door holding my gym bag in one hand, my belt in another, and a butter dish attached to my bag.

butterdish

I couldn’t deal with this so I had to get out of there as soon as possible. However, at the same time, I had to find a way to get this damn dish off of my nuts. And then it dawned on me. There was a car wash down the street. So I made the trip down there…and I woke up in a cold sweat. It was 2:30 a.m., and I was fine. I didn’t have any frozen balls or butter dish. It was all a dream (nightmare). This damn Q&A is coming to me in my dreams. The moral of the story is people who tell you this kind of stuff have no idea what they’re talking about.

 

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