If you follow me on Instagram, you know that I recently announced my plan to start gaining weight for real – no more of this bullshit up-and-down crap. Yeah, I do plan on returning to 181 eventually to take the 2000-pound total, but not until I’m ready. In the meantime: I’m setting my sights even higher, on 1000 kilograms at 198. And that means I need to fill out the 198s.

Now, the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life is 227 pounds, at night, and when I was that heavy, I cut to 193 – and could’ve pushed that much lower, had I needed to. I’m confident that I could be walking around in the low 230s and still make 198, so that’s exactly the plan.

Why I’m Bulking Up

Now, when I posted this on Instagram, some people were really concerned that I planned to throw my cardiovascular health and physique out the window. Not the case! I’ll be doing this the smart way – and, in my opinion, for the right reasons.

Over the second half of the past year, I focused on dropping to 181 and staying there. Now, dropping to 181 is fairly easy for me; I gain and lose weight very easily, so that was not a big deal. But trying to stay there led to some very detrimental physical consequences – and even more devastating mental ones.

You see, I’ve always wanted to be huge, but honestly, I’ve also been scared as fuck of getting huge – feeling uncomfortable, losing my abs, and, even worse, getting bigger without getting stronger. I don’t think those fears are uncommon, by any means.

But by cutting to 181, I went too far in the other direction. I became obsessed with food: as soon as I finished the last bite of a meal, I’d be counting the hours and minutes until the next one. I would binge on spinach because it was the lowest-calorie vegetable I could find. I had no energy and no drive – in or outside of the gym – and, not surprisingly, I got injured. Over, and over, and over again.

Obviously, that’s pretty fucking unhealthy, and it’s something I need to address as soon as fucking possible.

Now, addressing it doesn’t necessarily mean going in the entirely opposite direction. In fact, many times that’s exactly the wrong thing to do. But remember: I’ve always wanted to be huge. I’ve just been afraid, and I strongly believe that one should never allow fear to dictate action. Feeling afraid is fine, but true confidence and strength means confronting that fear and acting anyway.

So, having recognized that it’s time to make a change, I figure this is the perfect opportunity to make a big one. And so that’s what I’m going to do.

As far as how I’m going to do it? Well, you’ll have to wait for the next post for that one.