WARNING! Please beware...
For those of you who don’t know, today is the day of doom for many of us in our hardcore life of training. This is the day some may call Halloween, but those of us in the know....well, we know much better.
I know the story and have seen the damage. The carnage left in this wake is some of the most frightful I’ve ever seen.
Let me regress...
Sixteen years ago, there was a man named Dee Hendrix. Dee was like most of those who entered the gym. He only wanted to earn his way into the squat rack with the big boys. But you need to understand that getting into these groups is not an easy task. Sure, just about anyone can get a one-day pass, but they have to earn their way after that. There are also those who think they have earned their way but still just don’t fit in or belong.
Dee wanted to fit in and belong and would hang around the rack until the big boys came in. He would then work in with them. Granted, he was out after two plates hit the bar. His 6’1” 145-lb frame just couldn’t handle the load.
It wasn’t that Dee was a bad guy. He tried hard but wouldn’t listen. The guys told him many times that he had to gain weight, and while he agreed, he just couldn’t get himself to eat high fat and sugar foods. You see, Dee was a “clean eater.” While the big boys ate Whoppers and gulped down giant Cokes on the way to the gym, Dee carbed up on rice cakes and green tea. This drove the big boys nuts!
Every time Dee started to lose his abs, he freaked out and dropped his weight back down. He spoke about how hardcore he was and even bragged about how great it was to train with this group. But, he never did what he had to do to really earn their respect. He really needed to gain some weight so that he could lift big weights. To these guys, the rest is just psycho babble bullshit.
Dee was very well-read and knew just about everything about training—that is, except how to lift big weights. This was something that had to be earned, not rewarded. Dee never really understood this. The guys tried to tell him that there was a big difference between talking strong and being strong, but the tape measure and scale always won in the end.
What started out as innocent hazing and practical jokes grew into more lavish and aggressive activities. The guys started by eating Snicker bars while they trained. They always made sure to offer Dee some. This led to tossing a few cupcakes into Dee’s bag when he wasn’t looking. They even went so far as to order pizzas at the gym and had them delivered to Dee. This was all in the name of fun, and the guys always ate what Dee refused. But...
Then October 31st came. A squat day. One of the guys had a great idea, and today was the day. While Dee was warming up with a dime and a five on each side, one of the guys poured three pixie sticks in his water. Dee was too busy taking it deep to see what happened and went about his business as normal. Minutes later, Dee took a drink.
The plan of attack
If you could have seen the look in his eyes, it was pure terror. You could see the fear on his face as his body began to shake. Up to this point, they had never seen Dee react this way. Actually, they were pretty excited because he finally showed some aggression. Maybe there was hope.
Dee’s body began moving slowly like a tree blowing in the wind. Then he began twisting and turning like the same tree in a hurricane. He tossed his Velcro belt in the air and sprinted toward the door looking much like the Tasmanian devil running from Elmer Fud. The doors busted open, and Dee raced across the parking lot like a bat out of hell. And then....
Whap!
Dee was run over by a monster truck with the words “Candy Eater” stuck across the windshield. Now, here is where the legend gets really interesting.
As Dee waited at the gates of Valhalla, he was finally told that he couldn’t get in and would be summoned to a life “in-between.” No one is really sure why, but it has been said that at his height, you had to scale over 200 lbs to get into this party.
Dee Hendricks has now become the Dehydronator and takes out his revenge on bloated lifters every Halloween. He sits back and watches us all eat candy like there is no tomorrow. While he is planning his attack, our blood sugar is doing its thing. He knows that sooner or later we will fall into our sugar coma, also known as sleep. This is when he makes his way into our bedrooms and sucks all the bloat from us. He knows...no bloat, no leverage, no strength, no confidence, no life.
Can you think of how bad a life with no bloat would be? You would be able to type on a keyboard without your fingers cramping. Your ankles wouldn’t have the permanent sock impression. How dare this even be written?
Even Jerry Got Bloat
Okay. I don’t want to tell you the real bad stories about guys who got the flu, lost weight they could never gain back, and got cramps and muscle tears. It would be better to just tell you how to keep him from showing up.
There are two things that the Dehydronator fears.
1. Big weights: Whatever you do, only think about big weights for the next 12 hours. No light weight shit, only the big stuff. Think of PRs and how you will train for new ones. Think about what products you need to buy from EliteFTS to help you (you have to admire that one) and your next workout. Make sure if you haven’t trained yet that you go heavy. Just the strain of a big weight will keep him away.
2. Pixie sticks: He hates them and will not cross them. When you go to sleep tonight, open 20 or so Pixie sticks and make a huge circle on the floor surrounding your bed. Pour them out! The paper will do nothing. I must warn you—you must complete the circle. If you do this and are awaken in the middle of the night by a vacuum suction sound, rest assured, you will be okay.
Have a happy Halloween.
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