If you are like me, you probably forgot it was Mother’s Day this weekend. It’s not that I don’t love my mother; I love and admire her. But I had to clear the space in my head to make room for important things such as band tension, the history of Slayer and porn passwords.
Now the story behind this article is pretty funny. About two weeks ago, Dave called me up with panic in his voice.
Dave: Is Mother’s Day today?
Jim: I have no idea.
I began to panic and started searching the internet. It turns out that we had some weeks to spare, but that pretty much sums up Dave and me. So we decided to do an article about Mother’s Day and hope that this reminds you to at least call your mother. And if you are searching for reasons why, here are a few to keep you grounded.
1. All mothers’ are psychic. Several years ago, I began dating a girl that was 8 years younger than me. This wouldn’t be a big deal if I was 50 years old, but seeing as she was just barely legal, this was a little strange for many people to grasp. When my parents came to visit me in Kentucky, my mom asked me if I was dating anyone. I affirmed her suspicion and left it at that. She stopped, looked at me and said, “She’s really young, isn’t she?” I swear I looked up and saw her invoking the spirits of the underworld. This is interesting because I once saw my mother conjure Lucifuge.
So don’t think you are ever pulling the wool over your mother’s eyes. She knows. She knows all of your dirty secrets. Even the one involving your trip to Tiajuana, the monkey and the grapefruit.
2. Genetics. For whatever reason, any good genetics you possess seem to come from your mother. Looks, calves (all mom’s rock serious calf development), full head of hair, intelligence; whatever positive attributes you have come from your mother. Now if you are impatient, bald and have high cholesterol you can blame your father.
3. Cooking. As soon as you reared your head from your mother’s nether region, she instantly became a good cook. Now this doesn’t mean she is a world class chef. This means she could make some of the best Mac and Cheese known to man. Other dishes of importance include: chicken noodle soup, cut up apple with peanut butter, grilled cheese, any kind of breakfast food and Thanksgiving dinner. How anyone can stomach putting their hands into a turkey’s ass is beyond me. This is what makes mom’s so special – the ability to fist poultry.
4. Ability to stomach vomit and diarrhea. I can’t count the number of times my mom has cleaned up my vomit. And I don’t mean my vomit induced from the Cocktail Flu. I’m talking about the vomit that comes that is laced with hotdogs and baby carrots. And don’t get me started on changing diapers. I’ve wretched more times than I care to admit. But your mom can handle any kind of excrement – be it soupy or corn-filled. There is something special about someone that can be elbow deep in crap and still have a smile on their face.
5. The originator of Muscle Milk. Accept it and embrace it. Your mom has cans and there is a good chance that you sucked on them. These Lactation Stations kept you from hunger and provided you with nutrients that kept you strong and healthy. It is often referred to as the perfect food and only a mother can provide this. I have tried for many years to get the same effect from numerous women. And as a man who constantly seeks the best in health, I shall continue to try. You know…for the betterment of man.
6. The Look. I’ve stared in the eyes of fearsome linebackers. I’ve seen the intensity of elite lifters. But nothing can be more devastating as the The Look. The Look often comes after you break some fine china, write with permanent marker on the walls or come home 3 hours late with whiskey on your breath. The power of The Look can stop small armies and weaken the knees of all men. In fact, The Look can even be given over the phone or a brief e-mail message. So I highly recommend calling your mother on Mother’s Day. Or be prepared to get the Eyes of Death.
7. Love. I swear that I could be in jail after a murderous rampage and my mother would still love me. She’d find some way to still find the good in me. A good example of this is Varg Vikernes and his mother. Varg (aka Count Grishnackh) was the main man behind the black metal band Burzum and one of the most influential people in that scene. Varg was sentenced to 21 years in prison after he murdered Euronymous, guitarist of the band Mayhem. Several years after his incarceration, Varg’s mother broke him out of jail. Now most sane people would see this as stupidity. But any mother would probably do the same; or at least want to do the same thing. Now I do realize that there are better examples of love, but this one involved black metal so I had to include it.
8. The ability to gross you out. I really take pride in being a gross son of a bitch. There is something noble about being able to make someone wretch. But your mom can turn your stomach and fill your mouth with stomach acid faster than anyone I know. All they have to do is talk openly and loudly about their sex life.
Based on extensive research, I was put on this earth one of two ways:
- Aliens
- Hatching from egg
I refuse to believe that I am a result of carnal lust, especially between my mother and father.
9. Ability to fold clothes. I am a reasonably clean man. I put my clothes away, wash the dishes and can vacuum like an OCD demon. But I have yet figured out how to fold clothes like my mother. There is nothing better than getting a stack of clothes back from your mother, clean and folded. First, the clothes smell like they are actually clean. When I wash them, they smell like they are NOT dirty. Big difference. But the folding thing really baffles me. I tried many times to fold shirts, shorts and underwear. But they can never compare to the crisp clean cuts that mom makes.
10. She taught you everything. Sometimes my mom drives me nuts, but this is her job. She mostly drives me nuts because I know she is right. When I weighed about 4 metric tons, she told me that I looked like shit. Sure enough, I look at pictures of me when I was Fatty McGee and I did look like shit. But moms teach you a lot of things and all of them are correct. For example, she told you to shower, eat your vegetables and fruit, and do your homework. She told you to keep your penis in your pants and think with the right head. She told you to get up early and be on time. The only thing my mom is misguided on is the Led Zeppelin vs. Black Sabbath debate. She’s on Team Page and Plant and we all know that Iommi and Co. rule. But we can agree to disagree.
So there are 10 reasons why you should call your mom this Sunday. You might be like me; probably don’t call your mom as much as you should nor do you tell her how much you appreciate her. I’m not saying this is OK, but your mom knows how you really feel. But sometimes it makes her feel good to hear the words come from your mouth. And you know that when you do, you are probably going to get a killer care package from her – including a shirt that is WAY too small. But don’t blame her. No matter what age you are, you are still her baby.