Christmas for me this year is going to be spent trying to look like Santa himself, becoming the strongest, fattest version of myself. Who else would I give business to help me achieve my goals other than Dave Tate and the crew? These are the gifts that would be helpful for me in my journey to beef up.

1. elitefts Tiger Belt Squat

This one is a long shot due to the price tag, but arguably the most crucial. As the pounds add up, it becomes harder and harder to perform daily tasks, like getting off of the toilet and catapulting myself out of the couch. The belt squat will allow me to get that extra squat volume in and hopefully get me strong enough to climb off of the toilet at light speed.

2. A pair of Westside Barbell sweatpants

What fat guy likes wearing jeans? These sweatpants are an absolute necessity.

3. Supertraining

Lord only knows the type of mileage my butt has for sitting. With some time off of work for the holidays, it would be great to have a good read to enhance my programming and total in between the trips to Little Caesar's and the bathroom.

4. Spud Inc. Big Ray Strap

Let's face it: There isn't any other band that's going to be able to hold me upside down.

5. A New Squat Suit

Of course I've already outgrown my current squat suit, and raw training just doesn't have the same pop as training in that suit. My briefs are going to rip one of these days, too, but I only have five wishes. Definitely going to need a bigger size.