For this article I am going to veer off from my typical, over-informative,  and highly entertaining rants about unimportant topics that generally just irritate the shit out of me (and sometimes you) and give some solid advice that is much needed by a lot of people.  I am qualified to give my opinion on this topic because I have a column.

Okay, maybe that doesn’t qualify me as much as the fact that I have been married for 23 years and have had a wife fluctuate from one extreme to another and everything in between when it comes to her weight. She has gone from gaining a ton of weight (about a metric ton — give or take 50 pounds) after being pregnant, to competing successfully in figure competition, to going back to drinking more Bud Light than most Sailors who are in port after four months at sea. So, having this column doesn’t qualify me, but it does give me the chance to help some of you out that are wondering why your wife won’t get unfat.

RECENT: 3 Old-School Exercises You Need in Your Training Plan

Let’s get this out of the way right away: What you want is not important to her. If you don’t get this simple sentence you need to read it over and over until you do get it. No matter what you want her to look like and whether you think she is hot or not, or could be hotter, or looks so much better in great shape, she does not give a shit what you think. You are her husband, not her boyfriend. If you were not married she might give a shit, but we aren’t talking about girlfriends/boyfriends here; we are talking about husbands and wives. Why? Because boyfriends and girlfriends come and go but marriages are supposed to be for the long haul. Plus, I can’t relate to having a girlfriend so I have no good advice to give on that topic. My wife might have a boyfriend but this isn’t her column so, at least for now, she can kiss my ass (just don’t tell her I said that).

Holding Hands

If you can accept that your wife doesn’t care what you think, you have taken one giant step forward in staying married. It might bother you that she doesn’t care — I get it. I cannot understand for the life of me why my wife goes through these phases, either, and as much as I prefer a softer, curvy (what some people would call fat) look, there is a line that can be crossed. Some women get it and some don’t. When a woman knows she is fat, that is a huge bonus and far less frustrating as a husband because she isn’t denying her fatness and isn’t delusional. The frustrating part is when your wife sees you looking at another woman with a curvy, nice fat ass and has the nerve to say, “That bitch is fat. Why do you think that is hot when you have this to look at?”

Why? Because if I put her up against you, honey, she is soft and curvy and you are a pig. That’s why. As some guys look in the mirror and see a muscular dude posing back at them, some women have essentially the same sense of delusion when they see themselves in the mirror.

Now, you might think to yourself, “If I tell my wife how important it is that she at least stay in shape, why doesn’t she think that is important to our marriage?” Because you are being selfish, that’s why. If you truly loved her you would love her if she were a fat, slovenly pig, right? I ask this because my wife has told me the same thing, so…it must be right.

“What if I find it unattractive," you say? Too fucking bad. You took your vows: Till death do us part. Even if she gets fat as fuck.

If your wife being fat bothers you, you also have to consider how limited your options really are. I mean, are you going to leave your wife just for being fat? How do you explain that one to your friends and family? Or even your kids?

“Yeah, your Mom is a slob so I decided that as many years as we have spent together, I can’t hit that anymore." That should go over real well, especially for your wife’s father. Good luck with that one.

Does your wife have other redeeming traits that you should probably pay attention to and give her credit for that might compensate for her being an ogre? An ogre that can fuck like a porn star might be a fair trade. Or what if she is really sweet and does a ton of shit for you and dotes on you and tells her fat friends (because fat people always have fat friends — kind of a “misery loves company” sort of thing, I guess) that you are hot, a great dad, and awesome in bed? That counts for something, right? I know, I know; I’m trying here and I agree, it would just be so nice if the fat bitch would just get in shape. I feel ya.

RELATED: Fat Girls

The reality is that your wife (and mine for that matter) are going to get in shape only if they feel like it and the more you tell her she needs to get in shape, the more most women will fly the metaphorical middle finger back at you and keep shoving french fries (and Bud Light) in their pie hole — almost taunting you like, “you think I’m fat, but I bet you’ll still want to hit this later tonight.” And you know the answer to that, don’t you? Yeah, we both do.

And keep in mind that in all likelihood, you can’t do better than your wife, anyway. Fat wives at least don’t have the dysfunction of the overly-obsessed fitness girl. I would rather deal with a woman comfortable in her fat skin than a train-wreck-of-a-person in their head. And if you are a woman that takes offense to that, hey, deal with it.

And if you are my wife reading this, this article was ghost written. Just Sayin’.