In college, I would often sit back with my friends and talk about things we would change if we were in charge. This would usually happen after a few Miller High Life's and some Jagermeister.
We came up with some pretty funny things, and I quickly added the phrase, "If I were King…" to every statement. Being a King is pretty cool, but you must wear a crown and a velvet robe and talk like Hugh Grant. These are three things that I don't find very amusing. So I changed "king" to "emperor" because being an emperor has a toughness to it.
If you can earn that title, there is little that you couldn't get done. Plus, Emperor is one of my favorite bands, and they have certainly etched their mark on the music world, both musically and socially. I hope that this can be a reoccurring column and would like to hear input and observations from the rest of you. Try and keep it somewhat civil.
Many of the things listed here have been watered down, as many people would squirm in their seats and call for my lynching if they really knew how I felt about certain issues. There is a pretty broad range of topics, so I tried to offend everyone so no one could get too mad. Let's get to it.
If I were Emperor…
1. Birth control in the drinking water.
Of course, no one would know this except for a few of my confidants and me. This would ensure a cease-fire of women dropping eight-pound people from their vaginas. There is an amendment to this statement, but if I wrote it, I would be labeled a fascist asshole and strung up like Mussolini.
2. Chuck Taylors.
Great for squatting, but take them off when you are not lifting. There is nothing worse than seeing someone in Chuck Taylor's outside the gym.
3. Every page of every magazine would have a page number on them.
This includes the ads. It's annoying to go from page 22 to 38 without a clue where the 16 pages went.
4. Geraldo Rivera would have to change his name back to Jerry Rivers.
Jerry, you are not fooling anyone by claiming to be a hard-edged reporter. Riding the coattails of the grieving Goldman family during the O.J. Simpson trial was a grotesque way of trying to establish credibility in your career. You will always be remembered as the guy who got his face beat in by some skinhead punks and the failure of Al Capone's vault. If you want a good laugh, check out Geraldo's interview with Charles Manson in which he threatens Manson. Jerry claims he's got friends "on the inside" who can "take care of" Charlie. Whatever.
5. Every gym in America would have to buy a Posterior Chain Developer and a Glute-Ham Raise from Dave.
This would eliminate having to answer the question, "What do I do if I don't have a Posterior Chain Developer and a Glute-Ham Raise?"
6. Religion.
Ok, this is a touchy subject, so here goes. I don't care what you believe in, but if you subscribe to a religion, you must take classes on other religions and educate yourself. I swear this would eliminate all the bickering, fighting, and hatred people have for each other because of religion. Education can go a long way. If you don't take the classes, then you will get your ass kicked by the atheists and the agnostics.
7. The rise of people wearing beanies and other head-warming apparel while they lift at a meet has become an annoyance.
First, YOU ARE NOT CHUCK VOGELPOHL, so stop trying to look like him.
Dave has come up with a good plan on this very subject. If you decide to wear one of these hats, there will now be a system in place.
A Class 5 lifter would have to wear a full-face ski mask or panty hose over their face.
A Class 4 lifter would have to wear a hat with a little ball at the top.
A Class 3 lifter would have to wear a plaid baseball cap with the extended ear warmers that hang down (these can often be seen on snowmobile riders). The strings on the ear warmers would have to be tied under the chin. The bill would also have to be turned up.
A Class 2 lifter would have to wear an old Pittsburgh Pirates hat. These look like painter's caps and have the same appeal as foot fungus.
A Class 1 lifter can wear a typical beanie, but the color cannot match any of his lifting gear.
An Elite lifter can wear whatever he wants. If he wishes to wear a flame-decorated hat, he has to squat 1000, and then fight Chuck. If he does both, he can wear the flame hat but has to sign a statement that it was not his idea originally.
8. If you have a bumper sticker on your vehicle, you'll be taxed $5000.
If it has some snapping saying like "Carpenters do it with wood," then another $100 will be added. If you are proud of your honor roll student in elementary school, then tell him. I don't give a shit. As a side note, the funniest bumper sticker I ever saw read, "Jesus loves you; everyone else thinks you're an asshole."
9. The term "bi-sexual" will be eliminated.
Either you are gay, or you're not.
10. T-shirts with pictures of Rottweilers and retarded sayings such as "Bad to the Bone" would be burned.
This also includes shirts such as the "And 1" shirts with trash-talking phrases like "Not in My House." Ever notice that the people that wear them have either really bad molester-mustaches or man-boobs? There are a growing number of these kinds of shirts, and I think I can trace their history to the No Fear shirts of the early 90s.
As a side note, if you have a decal on your truck or car that says "Fear This," you will be fined for being a moron.
11. Reality-based shows such as Survivor would be taken off the air.
If your reality is so pathetic that you have to live in someone else's reality, it's time to assess your life and determine if it's worth living anymore.
So there is a partial list of things that would change if I were Emperor. Remember that this was done for a laugh and fun. If you can't laugh a little, take the sand out of your underwear and relax. Life is hard enough without having to bleed rectally from being such a tight ass.
Originally published in December of 2002
Jim Wendler is the creator and author of the 5/3/1 Training Program. Jim played football and graduated from the University of Arizona where he was a three-time letter winner. Wendler went on to squat 1000 pounds in competition and is an accomplished Elite Lifter with a 2,375 pound total. He serves the London, Ohio, community as a strength coach at London High School.
