elitefts™ Sunday edition

Top 10 Ways to Know You Are Huge

Lately, it has occurred to me that too many people are under the impression that they’re huge, when they’re clearly not. This is really apparent at large gatherings of testosterone-driven sports like bodybuilding, fighting, powerlifting, football, and other sporting events. Guys walk around with their chests all puffed up, holding their arms out with a “tough guy” look on their face.

A truly huge guy may look something like this, but he would never intentionally walk around like that. Walking around all puffed up with his arms out would burn too many of the precious calories he has been stuffing in his mouth to get huge. As for the tough guy look on his face, that’s because all the walking around is killing his low back, and he can’t get it to quit cramping.

Am I Huge?

I never really considered myself huge, and I generally don’t think too much about it. It seems, though, that most people consider me pretty big at 6’1” and 365–390 pounds. The only time it really sinks into my head that I’m this big is when I see a picture of myself next to an average-sized person. My first comment is usually, “Damn, my head is huge.” In fact, my head has become so big, my buddies tell me that my ears are getting sucked into my head. I can hardly keep a pen behind my ear at work anymore.

So, I guess this qualifies me to write a "Top 10 List of How to Know If You Are Huge.” I have some mixed emotions about writing this article. These puffed-up morons provide me with hours of amusement and laughter, but I suppose someone should let them know how stupid they actually look.

Here it goes—the top 10 ways to know you are huge…

1. The huge can’t fit their big fat asses, big thighs, and massive shoulders in one airplane seat. They may be able to actually squish themselves in it, but they’re so sick of crushing their nuts and getting hit by every stupid S.O.B. who walks down the aisle, that they’re more than willing to buy two seats. While on the subject of squishing your nuts, huge guys are so sick of this, that all of their manners have gone out the window. Even if they’re in a public place, they’ll reach down and rearrange their junk before they sit down to prevent this from happening again.
2. The huge definitely have to use a c-pap. If you don’t know what a c-pap is, you’re at least 100 pounds away from being huge. If you know what it is, but don’t have one, you’re at least 50 pounds away from being huge. The use of a c-pap is actually a badge of honor for the truly huge. This means that your neck has become so big that it collapses under it own weight at night.
3. The huge have to do morning stretches before the first dump of the day. This is so they don’t pull something when trying to wipe their own ass. They think the extender tool that the midgets use to wipe themselves is genius and are looking into getting one, only bigger.
4. The vehicle the huge drive is a truck, suburban, van, or something along those lines because this is all they can get in and out of somewhat easily. It’s also the only vehicle they can actually sit up straight in and they don’t have to lean toward the middle of the car because their shoulder is jammed into the door.
5. The huge have become true experts at using all the mirrors in their vehicles because they can barely turn their heads enough to see things on the side or behind them. They also avoid parking where they have a tight area to back out of. This could cause them to pull a muscle while straining to look around to be sure they don’t hit anything or a least cause a massive cramp.
6. When the huge walk into a bar, all the bouncers suddenly look like they got kicked in the nuts and their chests just deflate. Buddies of the huge always try to force them to walk into places first because they get off seeing everyone’s face when they see the huge "freakiness" walk in the door.
7. The huge can’t find a button-down shirt with a neck big enough to fully button without getting choked. In fact, if you can buy clothes at a regular store, you’re not huge. The huge have to buy clothes at one of those big and tall stores. Then, they get pissed off every time because the makers of these clothes think all huge people are also fat. Just because I have a 60-inch chest does not mean I have an 80-inch belly, dammit.
8. Cell phones are such a pain in the ass for a huge guy. First off, there are all those little buttons that fat fingers have a hard time pushing without hitting other buttons. And where do you carry it? When I put it in my pocket, my big ass legs bump into everything, and the buttons get pushed making calls I don’t know about. Yes, I could lock the buttons, but then I have to push more buttons with my fat fingers to unlock them. I could use one of the clips, but every big guy knows that you will eventually bump into something and knock the phone off. Then you have to bend over and pick it up (we’ll cover that subject next). I think the worst thing is trying to hold the damn thing to your ear. Here are my typical positions during a phone call—hold phone to left ear with left hand, move phone to right ear with right hand, move phone back to left ear with left hand and lean left elbow against something like a table or wall to help hold it to ear, move phone back to right ear with right hand and lean right elbow against something, move phone to left ear with right hand, move phone to right ear with left hand, move phone to left ear with right hand and lean right elbow on something like table to help, move phone to right ear with left hand and lean left elbow on something. That’s just the first minute! It keeps repeating itself after that. I know you may be thinking just get one of those Bluetooth ear pieces, but those are stupid and I would have to kick my own ass if I used one of them.
9. A huge person won’t bend over to pick up change. It is way too difficult to get those coins off the ground, and the huge may pass out trying to get them. They will, however, risk bending over to pick up a dollar. This is only because they’re easier to pick up, and almost every fast food joint now has a dollar menu. That dollar will buy more to eat on their next trip to one of those fast food places than the change. Tying shoes is also a very difficult task for the truly huge person. I have solved this by having children tie them for me. They seem to enjoy it (I have no idea why), and they need the practice anyway.
10. The absolute easiest way to tell if you’re truly huge is by taking a trip to your local zoo. Head to the gorilla exhibit. Watch the gorillas as you walk in. There are two reactions you can get from them that will mean that you are truly huge. The first one is that they will become very violent. They will start howling, jumping about, hitting the glass, and throwing things around. This will be because they have seen you and they are excited that a fellow primate has escaped. They think you are coming back to help get them out and then destroy the Statue of Liberty. The second reaction would be if all the gorillas come up to the glass and stare at you with a very confused look. This would be because they are wondering how you got out and why you didn’t bring them with you. Either reaction would let you know you are huge, the only difference is how aggressive those particular gorillas are.

Who is Huge?

So there it is—a sure way to know if you’re huge. Personally, I think that number 10 is the best way to go. Right now, I can think of two people who would definitely get the first reaction out of the gorillas. If Chuck Vogelpohl or Mike Ruggeria walked into a gorilla exhibit, I guarantee those gorillas would go ape shit. They would destroy the place. I think those two have the thickest necks I’ve ever seen.

The first time I met Mike in person I thought he was a shaved gorilla. A very nice one though. Most humans have some curvature in the cervical spine but not gorillas, Mike, or Chuck. Their necks are just bulging muscle from the cranium to the upper back. This may sound completely strange, but that’s one of the best complements I could give someone. I would love to have a neck and upper back like either of those guys. The gorilla is the absolute strongest biped on the planet, and that is what we strive to be! So for those hungering to be huge, now you have some role models—gorillas, Chuck, and Mike. They’re HUGE.