UGSS 2010: Beards, BBQ, and Cat Fight Aftermath

TAGS: Mandler, Chandler Marchman, UGSS, powerlifting


The banner in the gym foreshadowed what the weekend was going to be about. At the time, I was too busy trying to keep from shitting my britches to recognize it. You see, if you’re a meathead with any knowledge of the meathead apostles, you know that Dave Tate is the equivalent of Meathead Jesus (or Meathead Ghandi at the very least) and in keeping with this religious analogy, his facility is as close as it gets to Meathead Mecca!

So when I walked into the S-4 compound last Friday afternoon adorned in overalls and long johns, I had no clue what the hell I was in for. (Editor's note- Chandler's training/business partner Julius was wearing Zubaz pants. Oh yeah.) From the second I entered I could feel my testosterone levels jump through the roof. This isn't a joke; simply huffing the breath of the monsters that train there will probably put 100 pounds on your total! The very first thing I heard after walking in was a loud deep voice screaming from across the compound, “Holy shit, y’all actually wear that stuff?”

It was Dave Tate.

Dave Tate can kill two stones with one bird.

The man...

The myth...

The legend...

You need to realize that I was worried about heading up to EFS in the first place, given the recent video I made that could have been poorly received by Dave.

I realized quickly, though, that Dave was a dude and that I need not worry about getting the hell beaten out of me. Rather, I should have worried about how much my lifting technique sucked.

After one of the funniest dinners I’ve ever experienced, in which some of the strongest people in the world were trading stories about the entire cities they've bench pressed, I realized the only contribution I made was that of the ridiculous things I did and wore on camera. The funny thing was that everyone was cool with it! From that point on, I realized what I was there for… to be the Clown Prince of EliteFTS! And in true Swole Patrol form, I delivered!

For someone as ADHD as me, it’s hard to elaborate and dive into EVERYTHING that went down this weekend, but I’ll do my best given the smorgasbord of awesomeness that I experienced.

Let’s first talk about the general appearance of almost every single one of the sponsored lifters. Almost all of them had three things in common. They seemed to embrace these trademarks as their badges of honor… As they should have!

1) Beards: I saw a lot of them this weekend, each worn with a certain level of pride, and each holding a distinct amount of power. I’d compare this to Sampson and his flowing locks of awesome! As a beard-bearer myself, I have experienced firsthand the authority it automatically brings to the table. But let me tell you, if you were to even LOOK firsthand at these beards, it would put 20 pounds on your squat. If you were to TOUCH one… Add fifty. And if you took a shot of the sweat that drips from them after an intense squat session… Add 100 pounds to your bench and 50 pounds of muscle to your frame! I have to give the award for the most badass beard to only one man… Jason Pegg.

Monuments to its greatness should be built in every corner of this great Earth!

2) Food: Without a doubt, the funniest moments of the weekend occurred when everyone was eating at the dinner table. This was a lifting seminar, but let me tell you, these guys didn’t get as big as they are by NOT eating. This was where all the good shit from the training sessions and general storytelling popped up, so let's dive balls deep into the finer points!

  • Joe Jordan, I discovered, is not just a gear whore but a Chicken Finger Whore as well. It’s ok buddy, I share your same devotion to fried breast of chicken!
  • Steve Pulcinella might be the coolest and funniest meathead I have ever met, but when it comes to his daughters, don’t mess with them. You’re only setting yourself up for an exit wound (it could be a bullet, or a fist).

  • On that note, I’m not sure it’s wise for any male to pursue Jo’s daughters either. Ever. He looks like he’s just as capable and willing to dismember you as Pulcinella is.
  • Jim Wendler is the guy that shows up for BBQ and then leaves. He remains an enigma to me; a badass, but an enigma nonetheless.
  • Brian Schwab likes to party, even when no one else is willing to party.
  • No matter how much pork I eat, I will NEVER be as big as Steve Pulcinella.
  • Steve Diel is the smartest meathead I’ve ever met, and after a few cold ones he's absolutely hilarious.
  • Licking the face of your new employer makes you a badass to the 12th degree!
  • Dave Tate likes Italian food, laughing at Julius and I, and hearing gossip.
At least it won't be hard for me to find a job after this photo shoot!
  • 30 Dudes in 30 Days is feasible if you are willing to pay the price

3) Post UGSS Cat Fights: During the Seminar, there was a meatheaded vixen that has built quite the reputation with the EFS crew. Just ask Steve: While I’m sure she made a certain someone very happy, the cat and mouse/Russian roulette game she played with every lifter there was the source of everyone’s entertainment! Needless to say, she got what she came for, just not at the level she wanted. But this wasn’t even the best part! It was brought to my attention that a heated exchange between this meathead hungry vixen and the girlfriend of a sponsored lifter  had become public on the Book of Faces.



UGSS Training Video from The Swole Patrol

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