I get a call today from a guy standing outside of my supplement shop begging me to come downstairs because he needs some help with his training and gaining weight. My son was asleep and he sounded fairly serious so I headed downstairs to my shop, food in hand, to see if we could sit down and get him on the right track.People get on my nerves.

I get downstairs and he is standing by the street, long black pants, skin tight white shirt, matching pin stripes, dark sunglasses, spiked and colored hair and a brush on tan. He might have been 160 pounds at six-foot tall and for sure wore an Extra-Medium sized shirt. And I mean a European Extra-Medium...none of that over-sized American stuff. Ohh...and the sleeves had a "V" hand cut in the sides of them (to show off the pea shooters?).

We went inside and the conversation went like this:

Me: Can I help you with anything in particular? Do you know what you have used before? What you liked? What has worked for you before?

Him: I'm just looking really. I want to see what you have mate.

He bounced around from foot to foot, rack to rack - I only have three racks. He was looking at everything, touching everything, not picking up anything. After about 45 seconds of this he stops and turns to me.

Him: Do you have anything for size? I really just want to beef up a little more. Not much, not QUITE your size, but maybe a half stone or so (7-14 pounds)."

Me: What are you eating?

Him: I eat a lot. I mean I eat A LOT. All me mates can't believe that I'm not a fat tub of...I eat so much.

Me: I eat at least 1kg of meat a day, minimum. Plus a full bag of pasta. Plus shakes and lots of other stuff. You mean like THAT MUCH A LOT?

Him: Wow. No, not quite that much. I don't want to get fat.

Me: What does your training program look like?

Him: It's really nice. My mate at the gym, he is about your size, set me up on this program. It's really set to get me ripped and massive, but I just want to get jacked.

Me: What does your training program like? Squats, Bench Press, Deadlift, Overhead Press?

Him: I really don't know, I've only been on this program for three weeks. We do lots of bench press and some of these (waves his arms in a pec dec motion). We do this one thing for shoulders that is a killer (looks like a chicken waving it's wings). You should try it.

Me: You really need to buy at least one tub of protein, some of my Therma Blast Fat Burners, some Andro XXL, a tub of creatine and glutamine would really help to get you started. I highly suggest taking a triple serving of my Nitro Charge energy drink as well!

Him: My mate's gonna hook me up with something he's got. We are going to split his tub of Super Cyber Beta Triple Pump-A-Gain Low Fat (the name has been changed to protect the weak). Do you know where I can get some steroids? Seriously, I'm willing to do ANYTHING to get massive. What the heck are you eating?

Me: Sweet potatoes, salmon, and egg rolls.

Him: Horrid mate. How can you eat that?

Me: I gotta go man. My son is upstairs asleep and I need to get another IVI Lemon soda to finish this with. Good luck.

Am I really THAT skewed?