The Weekend Getaway From Hell

TAGS: weekend getaway, vacation, The Trip, Gym Talk, elitefts classic, dave tate

The Trip

December has passed, and the Xanax has been put back in the cabinet. It was a great sales month, and we finished the year strong. As a break from this high stress season and to celebrate my upcoming fortieth birthday (January 6), my wife decided to treat me to a surprise vacation. Well, it wasn’t a total surprise because I knew that it was going to happen, but I didn’t know where we were going.

She suggested to me earlier that we go to a "spa." I wasn’t very hip on the "spa" idea so I told her (and I will never do this again) that I didn’t care where we went. Just surprise me. I figured what the hell. How bad could it be? I’d be able to get away from the kids for a few days and who knows...maybe I’d get some. So I spent three weeks watching the calendar in anticipation of this event. Just to get away and relax was good enough for me. Anything else was a bonus.

75 Pounds of Porn

I need to preface this by stating that I don’t have any problem with porn. I sent Jim Wendler 75 pounds of porn a month after my first son was born. I had to get rid of some of it with a baby in the house. I’m also a very happy subscriber of and can say that it’s a rare day that goes by and porn isn’t in my life. It may not be an entire scene—maybe just a quick peak here and there— but I assure you it’s there. I’ve been a fan of this fine art for many years and will always be. You might be wondering where all of this is going. I guess I’d better tell you now. This story leads to that place in the mountains...

The Place in the Mountains

When the day finally arrived, I still had no idea where we were going. We woke up and took our time getting out of the house. From this, I figured that it wouldn’t be that long of a drive. I thought that maybe we were going to a cabin in Hocking Hills (one hour away) or maybe some resort a few hours out. I can't lie. I was also thinking that it could be a flight to the Bahamas. I honestly had no idea.

After we dropped off the kids, my wife suggested that she drive. As we hit the road and passed the exit for the airport, I knew that we weren’t going to the Bahamas. One hour into the trip, my wife asked me if I had any idea where we were headed. I told her that I didn’t. She said that we were going to that place in the mountains. Outside of maybe one conversation in my life, I didn’t know anything about that place in the mountains.

She told me to pull out the MapQuest guide to see where we needed to get off the highway. When I pulled out the guide, all I saw was 7.48. This was the drive time! We had to drive eight hours! Right away, I wasn’t happy. I was sure that my back and knees would be killing me. Additionally, by the time we ate three times, it would be 10:00 p.m. when we arrived.

After eight hours, we arrived at our destination—the place in the mountains, the place where you can get hot deals for lovers. As we pulled in to find the office and check in, I noticed through the glass that the entire check-­in building was red and pink with fluffy couch cushions. There were signs that read, “The Forever Lovers Club. I want hot deals. I want romance.”

I suddenly realized where I was—I was in hell.


I Was In Hell

We were told to drive our car to the lot and then walk up the hill to the room. The entire resort was set up like a classic cult compound. The "this is hot for love" rooms were in one building, and the "tower of love" rooms were in another section. The health club, restaurant, pool, and who knows what else were positioned in different strategic locations. We were in the "lovers’ closet" rooms and only had a 50­ yard uphill walk to get to them.

As we opened the door and entered the room, I couldn’t help but notice the familiar colors of pink and red. There was an entrance area with a small couch and a very small television. This led to five stairs, which went down to the bedroom area furnished with a circular bed with a mirrored headboard and mirrored black tiles on the ceiling with tiny lights embedded to look like stars. There was also a bigger television so this was good.It was kind of like this but round.

Through the bedroom, there was a giant bathroom open on all sides. There weren’t any walls or special doors to provide any privacy while you were going about your business. I guess when your partner (now known as your lover) is taking a shower (in a stall with all glass walls) to clean herself off, she can watch you turn red while trying to pass a log. In addition, there was a giant, heart­ shaped bathtub (also red in color) to the left of the room.

So, there we were after eight hours in the car at a lovers’ paradise designed for a huge love fest. I guess this was pretty cool when you think about it. But this is where the problems started.

Stuck in Bed

I sat down on the circular­-shaped bed and realized that the pad wasn’t a mattress but a huge piece of foam. Of course, I got stuck in the middle and then drifted toward the center of the bed. I was stuck. I almost tore my abs off trying to get off of the bed. Keep in mind, it was circular. I couldn’t just roll off to the side and fall off the edge like with a normal bed.

So, there I was stuck in the bed, thinking about how much sex I would be getting. And then it hit me. Everyone who stayed there had sex in that bed. They had sex in the tub, in the shower, on the couch, on the dresser, on the floor, and who knows where else. Maybe on the television.

Granted, this is true in any hotel room, but you never know for sure if you’re staying at the Holiday Inn Express. In this room, I knew for sure, and it freaked me out.  All I could think about was the stains that I would find if I ran a black light over the room. Seriously, think about it.

I am SOOO glad I didn’t have this!

Sleeping did not happen the first night. We were up all night long and were both very sore the next morning. Nope, not from what you think. The bed was so uncomfortable to sleep in that it was a nightmare in itself. Thankfully, we had ordered room service for breakfast. Food makes everything better...

...except for when it’s frozen.

The food in the morning wasn’t just cold but very cold. I had eggs, pancakes, toast, and coffee. The only thing warm was the coffee, and it is supposed to be hot.

Breakfast & Ear Wax

We decided to get dressed and head off to the Lovers’ Restaurant for breakfast. As we started the half­ mile walk to the restaurant, I noticed that everyone else was walking along holding hands or with their arms around each other. It was just a constant reminder that everyone had sex the night before. There were even signs in the bushes and other places around the resort grounds showing cartoon characters making out.

Of course, when we walked into the restaurant, the theme was the same—red and pink. We approached the hostess station, and she asked for our names. I have no idea why, but I guess this was important. I noticed a buffet station across the room. You might think that being a big guy I would love this. However, you would be wrong!

Someone once told me a story about seeing earwax fall out of a man’s ear on to some potatoes at a buffet station. That was it for me. I wasn’t going to eat someone else's earwax. I wouldn’t even eat my own earwax. But...that wasn’t what freaked me out.

Keep in mind, everyone was having sex, and fingers were going everywhere. These same fingers grabbed the same spoons that I was going to have to use to get my food. That was all that I could think about, but I was hungry so I grabbed my food.

Ear wax and what else?

They sat us side by side at a table with two other couples. It seemed to be a rule that you couldn’t eat at your own table. You had to sit with other couples who you know had spent all day fucking. I couldn’t help but look at these people and wonder if they had anal or used their hands when they preformed oral sex. Keep in mind, these people didn’t look like porn stars but like your neighbors.


Where Are You From?

So, we sat there eating. No one said a word until someone finally asked, "Have you been here before?" followed with, "Where are you from?" This was the exact same ritual for every meal. Meanwhile, the veterans of this game told us how they belonged to the “Repeat Lovers Club” and had met great friends at the resort. They met up with these friends and planned trips at the same time so that they could all be there together (can you say swinging). Some of them had been to the resort 25–30 times!

There were others who weren’t so excited about the place and said, "The room looked bigger on the internet." The room?! What about the environment of freaks??!!

After breakfast, we decided to ask for another room because of the nightmare bed. We were told that they would change out the mattress immediately. That was acceptable so we made our way back to the room. After we got back, I plugged in my wireless card only to find that the resort had the slowest connection ever. It was so slow that emails timed out while I was trying to send them.

No Internet!

I had a serious problem now. I had no internet, and I was freaking out. I knew that I was supposed to be getting away, but it only takes me four minutes to check all of my email. Then, I’m back to life. Granted, I do this 15 times per day, but I seriously freak out if I can't do it. At this point, I was ready to leave, but then I discovered that they had a Doggy Style Cafe with wireless internet access.

I packed up my bag, and we headed out of the room. On our way out of the room, a man with a red coat and blue hat made his way toward us carrying a piece of plywood. He told us that he was there to fix the bed. We let him in, and he shoved the plywood under the mattress and said, "That will fix ya." I couldn’t believe what had just happened, but I didn’t say anything because I really wanted to check my email. So we headed out to the cafe.

I ordered my food from a lady who kept calling me and everyone else "baby." We sat down and ate lunch, and I started working. Later that night, we had dinner with two other people. We discussed the usual—had they been there before, where were they from, etc. Then we called it a night.

We went back to the room and ordered the movie "American Gangster." We could have rented porn videos at the gift shop for six bucks a day. Oh, and I almost forgot. You can also purchase dildos and other sex toys at the very same gift shop. Too bad they were sold out of butt plugs or we could have really had some fun.

The board under the foam pad actually helped some. The next morning wasn’t quite so bad. The events of the day were much the same as the day before. We ate breakfast with more couples and discussed the exact same topics. After breakfast, my wife went to play bingo. I decided to stay in the room and watch football because I really didn’t want to play bingo.

The "IT" Massage

While I sat in the room, I realized that we were booked for three more days. There was no way that I would make it so I started packing my bags. We had a massage scheduled for 2:00 p.m. so I figured that by 3:30 p.m., we would be on the road. We could drive halfway and eat somewhere without having to sit side­-by­-side with other couples discussing the "exotic room with a pool." However, I also figured that I should be a sport and stay one more day. I still packed anyhow.

For the massage, I called the shuttle bus to take me to the spa. I met my wife there. I arrived on time, and she was waiting for me. I figured that a massage would be good for me because I hated this place and needed to relax. They took us to a room with two tables side by side. I should have known—it was a couple’s massage.

My wife’s massage therapist arrived and then mine hopped in. Yes, I said hopped. My therapist had one leg and a stump. The missing pant leg was pinned up, and he used a metal crutch to hop along on. I wasn’t picking on the guy. I had just never had a massage from someone with only one leg before and was wondering how he would get leverage.

I’m calling my therapist “he,” but I honestly don’t know if it was male or female. It was fat, had tits, and looked to be of either sex. Its name was Vinnie so I’m assuming it was a male, but its voice was extremely feminine.

I was pretty freaked out at this point. I had an “it” with one leg working on me. I figured that it was paid for so I would see it through. My therapist proceeded to give me the worst massage of all time. I should have known because of the whole leverage issue. There was zero pressure, and one hand felt weird to me. At one point, my therapist was working on my hands, and I swear to God his hands felt very different. The one hand felt like a foot. Then it hit me that maybe he was in a bad accident and had lost one leg and a hand so they decided to take his lost foot and use it as a hand.

Needless to say, this was the final straw. As we walked back to the room, my wife asked if I wanted to go to the cafe to check my email before dinner at 5:30 pm. I said nothing for a couple of minutes and then she asked again.

I told her that what I really wanted to do was get the hell out of there and go home. I told her that if we left now, we could drive halfway and eat in a real restaurant served by people who didn’t have cum stains on their shirts.

No Objection

There was no objection. That night we slept at the Holiday Inn Express. I was able to check my email and watch the Patriots go 16­0. And nothing was red...

All and all it was a great weekend. We got away from work and the kids, have a great story to tell, and have memories that will last a lifetime.

Header Image Credit: kawing921 ©

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