elitefts™ Sunday Edition

I usually write about the three Fs at this time of the year—food, family, and friends. These three things are the only things that you should really be focused on when it comes to the holidays. This year, even though the message of the three Fs is a good one and one that some of us need to be reminded of around this time, I decided to take a different approach. I doubt there is anyone reading this who goes through the holidays without hearing someone losing sight of what the holidays are about and bitching about something that has absolutely no significance whatsoever.

Instead of three things that you should focus on, here are three things that a bodybuilder should avoid bitching about during the holidays. I don’t want to hear about it on Facebook, in my house, on the phone, or in texts.

1. Don’t bitch about going to a family member’s house for dinner because they won't/don't have bodybuilder-friendly food.

Most wouldn’t actually complain to the family member who was hosting the dinner, but I'm talking about complaining to your spouse or anyone else, publicly or in private. It’s the holidays and trust me when I say that no one cares. In fact, as important as it is to you, they couldn’t care less. I would even go so far as to say that some of them are secretly laughing that you're bothered by this, as if they should've considered your narcissistic self when they put together the meal plan. Never mind that everyone else is raving about the ham and how juicy it is and the pecan pie that is divine. All you can think about is how soft your abs are getting and how many workouts this meal will ruin. You’re stuck, really, because a part of you wants to skip the food entirely and not eat anything, but even a narcissistic bodybuilder doesn’t want to look like that big of a dick. Enjoy, narcissist boy. I know I’m smiling just thinking about your little predicament.

What you should do is understand that one meal doesn’t mean a damn thing. Enjoy the meal for what it is—great food combined with social time for you and the people who are important to you. The holidays are a time to take a day and not worry about calories or carbs and simply enjoy yourself and the people around you. No one is getting fat on one meal or an extra piece of pecan pie. Hell, if I had my way, I would put three extra pieces of pecan pie in my pants pocket and eat it later, but my wife is wise to me and watches me like a hawk any time I get within ten feet of the pie table. Apologies, I digress…

The point is that you can eat a bodybuilder diet the other 364 days of the year. For now, enjoy your Christmas-atheist-Jew-Kwanza meal. (Just trying to be politically correct, and I certainly don’t want to leave anyone out.)

2. Don’t bitch about your gym being closed.

This is probably my favorite of the three on the list. Why? Because there is nothing more ridiculous than a bodybuilder whining about why his gym is closed for one day a year. Umm…maybe because the people who run the gym wanted a day to enjoy the holiday with their family and friends? They probably thought people like you would actually change your workout schedule up a little to compensate earlier in the week instead of thinking that on Christmas Day, you would want to leave your family and go get your pump on. I mean if you train four times a week for the 11.75 months prior, that would be roughly 47 workouts, so you have to ask yourself how important that one workout will be and why it can’t wait 24 hours. Because you're a control freak who can’t function outside of your rigidly structured, incredibly predictable routine? And circle gets a square.

If you do bitch to anyone about the gym being closed, they'll likely look you blankly in the face and say something like, “It’s Christmas-atheist-Jew-Kwanza Day. You actually wanted to work out today?” Don’t answer that. For one day, you can put aside the gym and focus on what is important—spending time with family and making memories. Many of us don’t see most of the people we see during the holidays but a few times a year anyway. Even if you aren’t doing it for you, do it for them. Selfless, I know. Scary, I know. Just do it.

3. Don’t bitch about the after effects of not eating a perfect meal at your family member’s house and the gym being closed for a day.

The problem with this one is it usually goes for almost the entire next week. It isn’t bad enough that your spouse, kids, co-workers, and Facebook friends have to hear about it the following day, but you end up a mess until you can get a full week of consistent dieting and workouts again. Hint—your spouse seems understanding but is simply waiting for you to shut up. Your kids don’t care. Period. Your Facebook friends are glad that they can unsubscribe, and your co-workers already don’t like you because you make the office smell of tilapia, egg whites, and broccoli. And I'm not even talking about eating the food. You feel me?

The reality is that too many of us are too wrapped up in ourselves most of the year, and the holidays are a time to pay attention to others, give, and just enjoy others' company. It doesn’t matter what the holiday is that you're celebrating. What matters is that you're able to relax, socialize, laugh as much as you can, and make memories. Before you know it, it will be the first of the year and you can go back to attacking your physique goals for the year and focusing on you. For a couple days out of the year, it shouldn’t be too much to ask for you to appease the ones you love and have your issues take a backseat. Have some eggnog and tell yourself that you'll be back to beast mode soon enough and that you will be on that Olympia stage someday soon. Because you will...you drunk, jacked, eggnog drinking, meathead you.

Happy Christmas-atheist-Jew-Kwanza Day!

Just sayin’.