WANTED: Qualified Training Partner

In my 30-plus years of training, I rarely have had training partners. Why? Because they usually suck. They get selfish and want things their way. I’m all about compromise, but there comes a time when I get tired of bending. And that time is now. I am tired of training by myself, and most of the partners I have had in the past—minus a few—have not worked out for very long. I have decided to post an ad here at elitefts.com and on Craigslist for a new training partner.

I believe that the following qualities that I am looking for in a training partner are reasonable, and I expect to find a qualified partner very soon. If you aren’t interested, please tag someone on social media that you feel might be. I want to be fair and offer this incredible opportunity to anyone who may be interested, and then I will sift through the pile of applicants and choose the one that I feel is the best fit.

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To be considered a candidate for this position you must have the following 12 qualifications:

1. Be Punctual

This is probably obvious because most people who train together would be respectful enough to be on time. However, I am not typically on time, because I have more to do than most people. I do expect that I be granted roughly a 15-minute window or “grace period.”

2. Willing to Work Around My Workout Schedule

Obviously this would mean that I set the days that we train, but this would also entail being flexible when I change the muscle groups that are to be trained on any particular day. Sometimes, my body just screams that I need to postpone legs for a day and train arms for the third time in a week. Must be willing to accommodate these changes.

3. Let Me Control Exercises, Rep Schemes, and Weights

I have been doing what I do much longer than you have, therefore I know more than you do. I don’t know the exercises that I want to use for that particular day until I am lying in the tanning bed on my way to the gym. I might feel that a particular day requires incline presses after incline flyes, or I might feel that supersets that day are the answer to unlocking growth after three decades of training. My instincts are usually right, and I need a partner who respects this.

You must use the same weights that I use because I am not about taking off or adding plates between sets. The time between sets is time for me to visualize the next set. Without doing that I may not be successful.

4. Able to Take Quality Video and Photos...of Me

Because I have a huge presence on social media, my fans and followers expect compelling video and photos to accurately portray my intensity. Simply taking a video is not going to provide what I need. I need you to understand angles (the angles that make me look the biggest and most ripped), lighting and filters (so that my tan is optimized), and when to use a full-body shot or a close-up. I understand this will take some time to develop an understanding of what I need, and I am happy to give the qualified applicant a couple of weeks to study my social media account and develop their skillset.

5. Gym Attire

I am not terribly particular about what my partner wears in the gym, as long as we do not match and you do not wear shorts over a pair of tights. I am fine if you want to wear just tights, but I prefer that you also wear a shirt long enough to cover your balls. As straight as I am, I will likely be distracted by your balls, and this would be counterproductive to my training session.

6. Not Easily Distracted by Music

I would expect that my partner would listen to music and I have no problem with that. I just ask that you have your earbuds out between sets and put them in just before starting your set. This allows me to communicate with you without having to repeat myself after you see that I am talking (but cannot hear me), and then decide to take out your earbuds and ask, “What did you say?” This is a huge waste of time and effort on my part.

7. Possess at Least an Average Physique

You must possess at least an average physique, but I would prefer that you aren’t more muscular than I am. If you are a competitor, you cannot be better than I am. There is nothing worse than training with someone and building a rapport, only for the two of us to compete in the same show and I get beaten by my training partner. It ruins the training partner relationship immediately (for me).

8. No Interfering Personal Relationships

Must either not be in a relationship at all or be in a long-term relationship. This minimizes spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend drama. I don’t deal well with partners who insist on responding to their “other” partner while training, nor do I care about your boring relationship issues. It’s a drag, and this is yet another negative situation that could drain my workout efforts.

I am fine if you have kids but I ask only two things:

• Don’t bring them to the gym.
• Pretend that you have no kids while we are training.

9. No Cell Phone

Must have no relationship with your phone while training. That means no text messages, no checking email, and absolutely no phone calls. At the same time, I am understanding if there is an emergency that needs your attention. If your kid texts you and says he/she is on fire, I expect you to be a good parent and provide a quick return text — something to the effect of, “Stop, drop and roll." Then very quickly get back to training.

If you have specific songs you listen to while training, too bad. I am not going to support a training partner who has to go through Spotify to start a new song for every set. Simply put your music on shuffle and put the phone in your bag.

10. Follow My Spotting Rules

Must be able to provide a spot only when I can no longer move the weight. That means you don’t do bent-over rows while I am benching, but rather help only when the bar has stopped moving. It is also imperative that your spot is 50/50 left to right. I don’t do crooked sets because I don’t want to develop one side of my body more than the other. If you give me a 52/48 spot, you are going to hear about it. I can’t risk losing the symmetry round at my show because you suck at spotting. You also must wear underwear while spotting me. See item number five above about gym attire. I have a balls issue.

11. Skiploads

Must Skipload on Sundays. If for some reason I have no one to eat with on Sundays because my wife is hungover from “freakin'” the night before at the strip club with her BFFs, you need to be available. I’m not asking you to shave my balls for a bodybuilding show; I’m just asking you to be available so that I have someone to eat with.

12. Vagina Preferred

This may seem discriminatory but it isn’t. I can train with whomever I want and I can choose anyone I want. I choose vaginas.

If you meet the above criteria and are interested in applying, please email DaveTate@elitefts.com. He will then forward me only qualified emails so that I don’t have to deal with the influx of emails that I plan to receive from this ad. I am far busier than he is, anyway. Please don’t think that because there will be so many responses and qualified candidates that you have no chance to be chosen and shouldn’t apply. It’s kind of like the lottery in a sense: if you don’t play, how can you possibly win? Just Sayin’.