You take preworkout. I take preworkout. The other day I walked by a nursing home and heard a resident ask a nurse for more of that ANIMAL Pump. I even saw an empty container of Advocare’s preworkout in the trash yesterday. Who actually finishes an entire tub of Advocare Spark?

[I regret the implications of my previous statement. At $52, you damn well better finish the entire tub.]


I’ll let you in on a little secret: I know you’re not really interested in the performance benefits of your preworkout. If the caffeine makes you feel good, the beta-alanine makes your face itchy, and the agmatine sulfate gives you a pump that allows you to make out that thing that might kind of be a vein in your left bicep, you’re happy. It’s like coffee in the afternoon — it doesn’t really do anything you care about, but it definitely makes your day a little brighter.

If you’re trying to cut down on non-natural ingredients, you’re missing out on a lot of this fun. Alexander Cortes shared an all-natural preworkout on Facebook last night, and you’ve probably got all of the ingredients in your house already.

Alexander PreWorkout

Now you can join us in the glorious world of substance abuse and overly-caffeinated workouts. Welcome.