This weekend I competed in bench only at the RPS Christmas Carnage meet in Allentown PA, but this meet will really be more of a footnote in this entry than anything else. Instead, this will be more of an examination of the past year (life as well as lifting) and a quick overview of what I think needs to happen going forward.
The weekend got off to a rough start when I had to spend all of Friday night in the emergency room. My mother, who has severe dementia, fell at her nursing home and hit her head. It was really a pretty minor bump, but due to the dementia, there's no way to test for a concussion other than to put her through a CAT scan. After the fall (about 9pm), I had to go to the nursing home because the staff was unsure if she would resist the EMT's, and wanted me there to keep her calm. I did the best I could, and we were able to get her into the ambulence.
It was a difficult night, not only due to an E.R. in Jersey on a Friday night being exactly as bad as you'd imagine, but due to her condition. She didn't understand where she was or what was going on. This was compounded by the fact that she can no longer speak, or understand most speech. I spent most of the night trying to keep her from making a break for it out of the examination room. They eventually had to sedate her so that she would lie still for the scan.
I haven't spoken much about my mom's health in the past year, but it has been weighing on me pretty heavily lately. I visit her often, but it's becoming clear now that she probably doesn't know who I am most of the time. On a particularly bad day, she doesn't seem to know anyone is even there. I always take my 2 year old son with me to see her, in hopes that he can have some sort of relationship with his grandma, but it's becoming clear now that this will likely never happen to any significant degree. I have to believe that she is mostly unaware of what is happening to her, because the alternative is too much to wrap my mind around.
To be honest, I'm not even sure why I'm talking about this in my training log, other than to get it off my chest, and maybe give someone out there something to relate to other than lifting. In some sense, it's easier to open up in a format like this than face to face.
I finally got home from the E.R. by about 5am Saturday morning and headed out to the meet later that day.
So onto the meet... I bombed again. Took 3 tries with 700 and just couldn't lock them out. Same sticking point I dealt with at the last meet. I thought that 3 weeks to get healthy (I was sick at the last one) would be enough to rebound, but I was wrong. Still, it was close enough that I don't regret taking the gamble.
Normally I'd be pretty bummed out, but after everything that went on Friday night, I can't help but see lifting weights in a different perspective than I normally would. I guess a bad day of lifting weights is still a pretty good day in the grand scheme of things. Plus, I got to hang out with my buddies Tone Barbaccio, Brian Cain and Tim Gale from Jersey Iron, who were nice enough to lend me a hand for the day.
On to my future plans... I have no idea where the F*ck to go from here. I've had my heart set on that 700 bench for a while and this bombing out business is getting frustrating. I'm a pretty consistent full lifter, but I can't seem to make it through a single damn meet as a bencher. Obviously I opened much higher this time than I normally would have, but I've shit the bed at the last two bench meets before this.
One thing is certain, I need to lose some body fat. OK, al lot. I ballooned up to 237lbs for this meet, and I feel horrible. Granted, there are way bigger guys out there, but consider that at my height (5'5") 237 is similar to a 6'0" lifter weighing 300 if you go by the height/weight charts. My sleep apnea and asthma, which were already bad at 198 are now uncontrollable, and I can tell that my CPAP is no longer working. I feel just like I did before I got it. If you've noticed my training log kind of sucks lately, it's because by the end of the day, I can barely write just a couple of sentences to fulfill my sponsor obligations, let alone come up with something interesting or compelling.
I wouldn't mind so much if it wasn't for the fact that the extra weight hasn't done shit for my lifting. My lifetime pr total of 2075 is still at 198, as is my best deadlift of 620. My best full meet bench at 198 (655) is only 5 lbs off my best at 220. When I first made the jump to 220, I reasoned that cutting weight was starting to hinder my performance, and that I wanted to "see what I could really do". Well so far, I'm unimpressed, and I'm starting to wonder if jumping the class was really just an excuse to eat like shit.
Still not sure if I actually want to compete 198 again, but I know I don't want to weigh over 220 right now. My short term goal is to get to around 210, bring my lower body lifts back up and then start planning a meet cycle. If I find I really do need some extra weight to hit the numbers I want to hit, I'll gain some back, but otherwise, It's time to take better care of myself.
I'm still gonna hit that damned 700 bench, but I know now that I don't need to be 242 to do it. I'll just take my time and chip away just like I've done for every pr that came before it.
Thanks for everyone who took the time to read whatever this is.